The Good Season Eight of That '70s Show
by Wuffy
Summary: What if Randy had never been there, Kelso had never left, Eric had returned home, and Jackie & Hyde had... well, read and see! 22 episodes, picking up from the finale of Season 7! Please read & review! FINALLY UPDATED JAN. 22! EPISODE TEN!
1. Here You Come Again

"The Good Season Eight" of "That '70s Show" - Picking up exactly from the finale of Season Seven, what would have happened if Randy hadn't been around, Kelso had stayed, Eric had returned, and Hyde & Jackie... well, read on and see! Don't forget to review!

Daytime, Basement

Jackie is reading a magazine on the couch near Hyde's chair. Fez is sitting in the folding chair. Charlie is sitting on the couch near Fez' chair. Kelso is standing by the shower, playing with goggles. Hyde's chair is noticeably empty. Donna enters with an envelope.

DONNA : Look! Another letter from Eric!

JACKIE : Again? Hasn't he written three times this past week?

DONNA : (opens letter) Yes. Because he loves me, Jackie. (beat) And maybe because I told him he had to.

JACKIE : How can that work for you and not for me? I'm the master at telling guys what to do!

KELSO : (has the goggles on now) Not really. I mean, you told me to leave your motel room, and I took a shower instead. I'd say someone is losing their touch!

CHARLIE : (to Fez) Is it always like this?

FEZ : Oh, my friend. How much you have to learn still. Watch and listen.

DONNA : (reading letter) "Dear Donna, I love you." (she grins and looks at everyone) He loves me! "Today wasn't so bad, except for the lion that tried to eat me after someone stuck their hand in it's..." What the hell? Why do I want to hear about that part?

KELSO : I was almost eaten by a lion once.

JACKIE : There are no lions in Wisconsin, Michael!

KELSO : Shows how much YOU know.

CHARLIE : So, when is Hyde coming back? I kind of miss all the compliments he'd give me whenever I'd bring another case of beer around here.

FEZ : (whispers) Oh, Charlie. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. That was not a good thing to say!

JACKIE : (upset) He's been gone for a month, and I don't even know where! And stupid Donna's getting love letters from Eric practically every day. Oh my God. I AM losing my touch!

DONNA : (walks to Jackie and hands her the letter) Here. You can pretend it's from Hyde and that it's for you. (as Jackie reads it, to Charlie) You're a cool guy, Charlie. You don't need beer to make us like you.

KELSO : Yeah-huh!

FEZ : It is most helpful, actually.

CHARLIE : Um... okay, I'm going to get more beer then. (leaves)

DONNA : (smacks Kelso) What did you do that for? (beat) And take the stupid goggles off!

FEZ : (as Kelso takes the goggles off) Charlie is a good friend, but you've been talking to him more than any of us, Donna. Would you like to tell us something?

DONNA : No.

FEZ : Are you SURE?

DONNA : Yes.

FEZ : You are not doing it with him?

DONNA : (smacks Fez) I feel like Hyde right now.

JACKIE : (finishes the letter) Oh. That was the best letter Steven has ever written to me! (Donna steals the letter back. Jackie steals it back from her. Donna steals it one last time and gets ready to leave) Donna, wait. What am I going to do? I want him back.

RED : (from upstairs, as he slowly makes his way down) You're going to stop complaining and get the hell out of my basement! I finally have Laurie, Eric, and Steven gone, but you kids still stick around for no reason! If you're not out of here by the time I count to three, my foot is going to find a home in ALL of your asses! One...

FEZ : He's just teasing.

RED : Two...

KELSO : Yeah, I don't think so this time.

RED : Three! (all of them scramble out the basement door until Red is alone) Dumbasses. (picks up the letter Donna left and reads it) What the hell? Why do I want to hear about that part?

Cut to Opening Credits

ACT ONE

Daytime, Donna's bedroom

Donna is sitting on her bed, pillow and pad in lap, writing out a letter.

Donna (voice over) : "Dear Eric, I love you. But why in the hell did you think I wanted to hear about the lion? You know I'm only interested in three things."

She laughs to herself.

Donna (voice over) : "Not that, you pervert. I want to know that you love me, I want to know that you're loving teaching, and I want to know when you're coming home."

There's a knock on the door.

Donna : Come in.

Bob steps into the room, wearing his usual awful clothing, only today his shirt has a distinctly tropical print.

Bob : What'cha up to, pumpkin?

Donna : Writing a letter to Eric. What's with the Ricky Ricardo shirt, Dad?

Bob : Well, ever since I went out with Pammy, I guess some of her taste for the tropics rubbed off on me.

Donna : I hope not, Dad, considering what's been rubbing up against her in the tropics.

Bob : (shakes his head) Anyhoo, I decided take a few Mambo lessons. I figure if I can go to a place where I get to put my hand two inches from a lady's fanny right from the get-go, I'm ahead of the game.

Donna : (laughs) Have fun, Dad.

Bob leaves and Donna resumes her writing.

Donna (voice over) : "Let's see, what do I need to catch you up on? Well, I told you about what happened with Kelso and Hyde in Chicago, but the longer Hyde's gone, the more nervous Kelso is getting..."

DISSOLVE TO FLASHBACK

Night, Basement

Donna and Kelso are on the couch, watching TV, and Fez is in his chair, picking through a bag of candy. Charlie is off to the side, stacking beer cans in the shower. Kelso is noticeably nervous and every few seconds, whips his head around towards the door or the stairs.

After the third or fourth time of this, Donna smacks Kelso's arm.

Donna : Dammit, Kelso, I told you to cut that out! This is worse than that time Hyde dared you to eat a whole sack of sugar!

Kelso : Hyde's the one I'm worried about! You didn't see him, Donna-- he was pissed. I mean super-pissed. I mean, I didn't know if steam was gonna come out of his ears, or his 'fro was gonna start standing on end, or what!

Fez : And just what was Hyde supposed to think? The motel room of his woman, and a pretty man like you naked... it's like a 'Penthouse' letter gone bad!

Kelso : But I keep telling you guys, nothing happened!

Donna : Maybe you should have tried to explain that to Hyde, instead of running around the parking lot in your birthday suit.

Kelso : Look, Donna, by the time I got myself covered up, Hyde was gone and Jackie had locked her door.

Charlie : Man, Kelso, Hyde is really gonna kick your ass when he comes back.

The door opens, and Kelso goes diving over the couch, falling hard. It's Jackie. Kelso stands, brushes himself off and sighs in relief.

Kelso : Oh, thank God, Jackie. I thought I was about to get my ass kicked.

Jackie suddenly explodes, charging at Kelso.

Jackie : YOU ARE!

They fall behind the couch, out of view. Limbs are seen flailing, while the others look over the couch to watch.

Donna : I'm so conflicted! I know it's wrong, but I can't stop watching!

Fez : (serious tone) Now you understand what it's like for me in your closet.

Charlie : Please somebody stop them.

Fez : Okay, okay.

Fez reaches behind the couch and pulls Jackie off Kelso. Kelso stands, brushing himself off.

Kelso : Damn, Jackie, what the hell?

Jackie : (struggles against Fez) You drove Steven away, and now I can't find him!

Donna : Jackie, nobody can find Hyde. He never came back from Chicago!

Jackie : What!

Donna walks up to Jackie as Jackie shakes off Fez. Donna hugs her.

Donna : I'm sure he's just blowing off steam or something, and he'll be back before we know it.

Jackie : (sniffles) No... he's gone. I lost my boyfriend, and it's all Michael's fault!

Kelso : Hey!

Fez steps into the middle of the group and tries to play peacemaker.

Fez : Okay, I think we should all settle down. Kelso got beaten by a girl, and I got to cop a feel. All in all, I think that went pretty well.

DISSOLVE BACK to Donna's bedroom

Bob (off-screen) : Donna! Come downstairs-- Daddy threw his back out again warming up!

Donna sets her writing down and exits, laughing.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Basement

Jackie and Fez are the only ones present. Jackie is stretched out on the couch, idly flipping through a fashion magazine. Fez is nervous about something.

Fez : So... Looks like there's nothing to do.

Jackie : (doesn't look up) Mm-hmm.

Fez : Nobody around but you and me.

Jackie : Mm-hmm.

Fez : And you know what happened the last time things were like this.

Jackie : (wary) What?

Fez : (quickly) Well, you and Hyde started making out, and I figured--

Jackie : (cuts him off) No.

Fez : But I was thinking--

Jackie : (cuts him off) No.

Fez : You don't suppose--

Jackie : (cuts him off) No.

Fez : (defeated) Fine. So where is everybody, anyway?

Jackie : Michael is hiding under his bed, and Donna and Charlie are getting something to eat at the Hub.

Fez : I knew it!

Jackie : You knew what?

Fez : Donna and Charlie...

Jackie : (shrugs) 'Donna and Charlie' what?

Fez : Donna and Charlie are doing it!

Jackie : (scoffs) Fez, I'm used to you being creepy and weird, but now you're just crazy. Donna would never cheat on Eric.

Fez : Are you kidding? How often are they out together, doing things? It's so obvious!

Jackie : You've got to be kidding me.

Fez : I'll prove it!

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, outside Donna's house

Fez and Jackie are hiding in the bushes, with a view of Donna's back door.

Fez : I can hear them! And you said they were at the Hub!

Jackie : Okay, that's weird, but maybe Donna's finally realized that eating burgers and fries every day might be part of the reason for her giant-ness.

Fez : No, they are doing it!

Donna's door opens, and Charlie exits, his shirt half untucked and his hair disheveled.

Charlie : Thanks for doing that with me, Donna!

Donna appears in the doorway, breathless and flushed, and also disheveled.

Donna : No problem, Charlie. You've been there for me, so I'm happy to be here for you.

Charlie : Are you sure I was okay?

Donna : (pats him on the shoulder) For your first time, you did great.

Charlie : (laughing awkwardly) Oh, good. I was really, really nervous.

Donna : Well, don't worry. Whatever you didn't know, you made up for in enthusiasm.

Donna leans in and whispers a secret to Charlie.

Donna : (whispers) Don't tell anybody this, but I could never have done that with Eric.

They both laugh, and Charlie gives Donna a hug before leaving. Donna shuts the door. Jackie and Fez are dumbfounded.

Jackie : (whisper-shout) Oh. My. GOD!

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Basement

Fez is on his feet, pacing nervously and wringing his hands. Jackie is on the couch, her head in her hands, distraught.

Jackie : Holy crap, Fez, what the hell did we just see?

Fez : Oh, nothing. Nothing suspicious at all. We saw Donna and Charlie at her house instead of the Hub where they said they would be, and with Bob not at home, and both of them looking rumpled and tired and flushed, and both talking about Charlie doing something for the first time that he was nervous about and Donna saying it was okay. There is surely some totally logical and reasonable explanation for all of it.

He laughs.

Fez : Nothing suspicious at all.

Jackie just stares at him.

Fez : Or, another interpretation is that they were just finished making wild, hot monkey sex.

Jackie's head sinks into her hands again.

Jackie : Oh my God, what are we gonna do? It's not even that I like Eric that much, but Donna is my best friend. And she may not be nearly as hot as me, but even she shouldn't trade down from ERIC!

Fez : We have to tell him.

Jackie : What? How?

Fez : A letter.

Jackie : Oh, that's a great idea. "Dear Eric, how's Africa? By the way, your girlfriend is a great big bleached-blonde, too-tall, skanky, big-footed WHORE!"?

Fez crosses his arms, stung.

Fez : (hurt) You don't have to be snippy about it. Do you have a better idea?

Donna's legs are visible coming down the stairs.

Jackie : We should confront Donna first!

Donna reaches the landing, looking much more together, but now confused.

Donna : Confront Donna about what?

Fez starts and gives a high-pitched yelp. Jackie stares back at her guiltily, speechless.

Donna : (suspicious) Confront me about what?

Jackie : Ummm... Uhhh... (thinks quickly) About those shoes!

Donna : (incredulous) My shoes?

Fez : (catches on) Yes, your shoes. They are horrible. We cannot stand them.

Jackie : Right, right. I mean they're like two inches away from being clown shoes.

Donna shakes her head and plops down on the couch.

Donna : Okay, you guys need to hang out a little less-- I think you're starting to share a single brain.

Both Fez and Jackie laugh nervously. Donna eyes them both uneasily, then gets back up.

Donna : You know, never mind. You guys need me to make fun of my fashion sense again, I'll be upstairs.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Forman living room

Kitty and Donna are sitting on the couch, watching TV while Red sits in his chair, reading the newspaper.

Donna : (re: what they're watching) Huh.

Kitty : (amazed) You know, they're right-- that is Incredible! (laughs)

They're interrupted by a knock on the door.

Kitty : Now who could that be, in the middle of the day?

Kitty stands and opens the door. It's Hyde. He's carrying an old duffel bag over one shoulder.

Kitty : Steven!

Kitty throws her arms around Hyde, who stands stiffly as she hugs him.

Hyde : Hey, Mrs. Forman. Hey, Red. Hey, Donna.

Kitty still hasn't unlatched herself.

Hyde : Um, Mrs. Forman? This bag's pretty heavy.

Finally, Kitty lets him go and he steps into the room.

Red : (only sort of interested) Steven. Where the hell have you been?

Hyde drops the duffel bag to the floor and shrugs.

Hyde : After I left Chicago, I headed to Las Vegas to get away from everything and everybody for a while.

Kitty smacks him on the shoulder.

Kitty : Sin City! Steven, how could you? How could you leave without a word, then spend weeks in some-- some den of thieves and not call or write us!

Hyde fishes a miniature slot machine out of his bag and presents it to Kitty, smiling.

Hyde : Here you go.

Kitty : (instantly smitten) Awwwww, it's a tiny little slot machine! You know, they call them 'one armed bandits'.

Kitty pulls on the tiny lever and we hear the plastic spin. She laughs in delight.

Donna : (steps up and hugs Hyde) Damn, Hyde, we were starting to get worried.

Hyde : Yeah, well, I just needed to get away, y'know?

Donna : I get that. So what did you do in Vegas?

Hyde : (shrugs again) Honestly, I'm not totally sure. I either got a job as a blackjack dealer, a bartender, or wearing a toga.

Donna : Well, did you at least figure anything out?

Hyde : I think so.

The kitchen door swings open. Kelso steps into the room.

Kelso : Hey, Mr. Forman, you gotta help me. I've been looking for your axe for like ten minutes, 'cuz--

Kelso finally sees Hyde. He stands frozen, while Hyde starts to tense.

Kelso : (frightened) Hyde... Man... What... So... Man, I don't know what to say.

Hyde : How about "ow"?

Kelso : Why would I say "ow"?

Hyde decks Kelso right in the jaw, sending Kelso sprawling to the floor.

Kelso : (muffled and pained) Now I get it. Ow...

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE BUMPER

RED: (looking at the whole scene around him) All right, that's enough, all of you. Now I'm going to the garage, and by the time I get back, you two dumbasses better be gone! (leaves through kitchen door)

KITTY: (nervously, still playing with her toy from Hyde, doesn't look up) You know what goes great with little baby slot machines? Little baby bottles of Kahlua! (beat) Which I happen to still have from a plane trip to Ohio once... (also leaves through kitchen door)

DONNA: You know... I'm gonna head back to my place. Charlie's coming over and... (beat) I'll catch you guys later. (leaves out the front door, as everyone wants to leave them both alone)

KELSO: (slowly standing) Dude, you got me good this time. I even peed myself on the way down. (Beat. Hyde doesn't say anything) Guess I deserved it.

HYDE: Yeah, you did.

KELSO: So, now what?

HYDE: I'll get back to you on that. Right now, we're cool. I'm just gonna go downstairs and try and sleep off the long drive.

KELSO: Oh, don't. Hyde, Jackie's down there. (Hyde just stares at him) She is! She quit her job in Chicago and came right back here to find you. Well, and to beat me up, too.

HYDE: She did, huh? So you've gotten decked twice for this crap? Good to know.

KELSO: Look, Hyde. Nothing happened. Yeah, I wanted something to happen, but it didn't. (Hyde doesn't react) I'm sorry.

HYDE: Yeah. Me too. (turns around and goes upstairs)

KELSO: Where are you going?

HYDE: Forman's old room for some quiet. Seems like it's the one place that never gets any action around here.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, The Basement

FEZ : (reading aloud as he writes) "Dear Eric. How is Africa?"

JACKIE : You're not seriously going to write that, are you? I thought we were going to talk to Donna first, anyway.

FEZ : Oh, yes, little girl, and look how well that turned out!

JACKIE : (throws down magazine) Fine. Fine! But I'm not going to be a part of this, okay? (leaves through basement door)

FEZ : "Things are wonderful here except for your two-timing girlfriend..."

Kelso comes downstairs, a hand rubbing the spot that Hyde hit. He goes to the deep freeze and looks around a little.

KELSO : Man. Nothing in here but popsicles! (grabs one and puts it on his face to numb the pain) What're you doing?

FEZ : Writing a letter to Eric about Donna and Charlie.

KELSO : But not me?

FEZ : Well, unless you are also doing it with Donna...

KELSO : What? Charlie's not... no way.(beat) We decided! Donna goes to Eric, then me, then you, then me again. He's throwing it all off!

FEZ : Exactly.

KELSO : Well, damn, I'll help you write it! (sits down next to Fez, but the popsicle is completely stuck to his face now) "Dear Eric. Your girlfriend is a whore. Come home."

FEZ : Short and... (yanks the popsicle off Kelso's face, and eats it) Sweet.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, The Forman's Driveway

Hyde is playing basketball. As he sinks a shot, Donna walks over from her house and grabs the ball.

DONNA : Up for some one-on-one?

HYDE : (non-chalantly) Sure. (They go back and forth throughout the scene sinking shots) So. Are you here to talk to me and make sure I'm fine?

DONNA : What? No. Well... maybe? Hyde, we've all been worried. Jackie too.

HYDE : Yeah, I heard.

DONNA : Yeah, and I heard about Kelso.

HYDE : He deserved it, but it's cool now.

DONNA : And Jackie? What did she deserve? (tosses the ball at Hyde and waits for an answer)

HYDE : Look, Donna, I'll talk to her, just... not now, okay?

DONNA : If you don't talk to her soon, I'm going to tell everyone about the time I caught you dancing to ABBA.

HYDE : (slightly pissed, defeated) Fine. (tosses the ball back to her) I'll go think of what to say. (starts to walk in the kitchen door but stops) Why did I have to leave the door to the store unlocked?

DONNA : So I can blackmail you with this from now on?

Hyde goes inside.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Eric's bedroom

Hyde pushes through the door, slams it closed and sits on the edge of the bed.

HYDE : Finally, a little peace and quiet. What the hell is it with this house?

There's a noise from inside the closet. Hyde stands angrily.

HYDE : Dammit, Fez, you've got the wrong closet. You want the bedroom one house over!

He opens the closet, and Charlie tumbles out, along with a spill of a few dozen 'Playboy' magazines.

HYDE : (amused) Well, well, well...

CHARLIE : (embarassed) Hyde! You're back!

HYDE : Okay, we've covered what I'm doing here. Now it's your turn, not that I don't have a suspicion or two.

Charlie pushes some magazines out of his way and holds a hand out to Hyde to help him up. Hyde backs off.

HYDE : Oh, no. I'm not touching that hand until you've been disinfected.

CHARLIE : (grumbling, but getting to his feet) I didn't do anything. (beat) There's no light in there!

Charlie kicks magazines out of the way and moves to sit down.

CHARLIE : (indicates closet) It's dark, cramped and smells like gym socks in there. I don't know how Fez does it.

HYDE : None of us know, and none of us really wants to.

CHARLIE : So what are you really doing up here?

HYDE : Partly, I'm here because I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to say to Jackie when I see her next.

CHARLIE : Partly?

HYDE : Yeah. Mostly, I'm here to find the stash I hid somewhere in Forman's room.

CHARLIE : (waits, a little uncomfortable) You know, Hyde, she's been really upset about this whole thing.

HYDE : Of course.

CHARLIE : I don't think you have to worry, Hyde.

HYDE : I'm not worried, man. It's just that everything with Jackie is so damn complicated. (beat) I need to clear my head.

CUT TO

THE CIRCLE

HYDE : Ahhh, that's so much better.

CHARLIE : Thanks for letting me sit in the circle tonight, guys.

FEZ : (staring at Charlie) Oh, no trouble... it even lets us keep an eye on you.

KELSO : (staring at Charlie, rubbing his face) Dude, Fez, I forgot to tell you-- that really hurt when you yanked the popsicle off my face. Worse than when I froze my tongue to the Formans' mailbox.

HYDE : You know, why haven't I done this before every major event in my life? (beat) Oh, wait, I have! It makes so much sense!

CHARLIE : (to Fez) Keep an eye on me? Why would you need to keep an eye on me? (paranoid) Why? What have you heard?

FEZ : Oh, nothing. You just never know when you can lose your balance and just, whoops! Fall into the arms of some unsuspecting young woman.

KELSO : It's true. Once, I was walking down the street, and I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window of this hardware store, and I was so amazed at my own handsomeness that I totally missed the guys carrying a stepladder out of the door. I almost lost a tooth.

HYDE : The problem is, that I've got no idea what's gong on. Not in her head, not in my head. All I know is what's going through Kelso's head right now. A strong breeze.

CHARLIE : (increasingly nervous) What? What are you talking about? I don't need anybody's help, not with anything!

FEZ : Uh-huh. I'll remember that.

KELSO : So, um, Hyde, man-- I just wanted to say I'm sorry again--

Hyde smacks Kelso's arm hard.

HYDE : Shut up, man. I told you we're fine. (he grumbles, then jumps out of his chair) Now I know what to do!

Hyde heads for the stairs, the others follow suit.

SCENE BUMPER

Night, Forman living room

Hyde steps through the door from the kitchen just as Jackie is talking to Kitty.

JACKIE (mid-speech) : --when I saw the El Camino parked out there and I-- (sees Hyde)

Jackie and Hyde both freeze. Kelso, Fez and Charlie subequently crash into his suddenly unmoving back.

HYDE : Jackie.

JACKIE : Steven.

There's a few long seconds of them fighting the urge to turn away and the urge to get back together.

HYDE : You look... okay.

JACKIE : You, too.

Kitty laughs nervously.

KITTY : Hmmm, maybe it's time we old fogeys get out of the way here and let these young'uns take care of their own problems, huh Red?

She walks up to Red, who has been reading a newspaper in his chair.

RED : Hell, no. These dumbasses want to turn our living room into 'Playhouse 90', that's not my problem.

JACKIE : Steven, I-- (she looks around at all the people and loses her nerve) So, um, how was Las Vegas?

HYDE : Weird, loud, obnoxious, with lots of high-pitched noises everywhere I turned. A lot like here.

JACKIE : So, um, did anything interesting happen?

HYDE : Not that I recall.

Before the awkwardness can continue, there's a knock at the door. Kitty opens the door. On the other side is an attractive young blonde carrying a small suitcase and dressed in a tight shirt and short shorts. This is Sam.

SAM : Um, hello. Is this where I can find Steven Hyde? I saw his car parked out front.

HYDE : (confused) I'm Hyde.

Sam giggles and rushes into the room, throwing her arms around him.

SAM : Sweetie!

She starts planting kisses on him. Hyde pushes her back. Everyone else is in shock, especially Jackie.

HYDE : Lady, don't take this the wrong way, but-- who the hell are you?

SAM : Hyde, I'm Samantha. Sam. Your wife.

Cut to Commercials

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

Night, Eric's bedroom

Nobody there.

CHARLIE (off-screen) : Fez? I'm not sure about this.

The closet door opens revealing Fez and Charlie crammed into the closet. Fez is looking exasperated.

FEZ : You're the one who wanted to know. It's not like I have to share all of my secrets, you know. It has taken long years of practice and refining my techniques.

CHARLIE : (chastened) You're right, you're right. I'm sorry.

FEZ : Okay, then. We have successfully gotten ourselves into the target closet, and so--

CHARLIE : (cutting him off) Fez? Can I ask a question?

FEZ : (annoyed) What?

CHARLIE : Why can't we sneak into Donna's closet? Or Jackie's?

FEZ : When you are ready, my young apprentice. When you are ready.

Fez reaches out and closes the closet door.

THE END


	2. Pick Up The Pieces

Episode Two - Don't forget to review!

Daytime - Forman's Kitchen

Red is reading his newspaper and sitting in his normal seat. Kitty is busy making breakfast, walking back and forth from the table to the counter.

KITTY : I can't believe Steven doesn't remember his own wedding!

RED : Why not? You can't remember our wedding sometimes.

KITTY : Red, I'm only saying that maybe Steven doesn't WANT to be married to that... that... (beat as she searches for the right word)

RED : Stripper?

Kitty runs over and covers his mouth with her hand.

KITTY : Hush! Charlie might hear you, and I think he's coming downstairs!

Red rolls his eyes and sets the newspaper down finally, as Kitty gets back to work.

RED : If you don't like her, then why did you give her Laurie's old room to sleep in last night?

KITTY : Because she's Steven's wife and Steven lives here. (beat) And because I didn't want her filthy, stripper hands all over him in his room.

Charlie enters from the living room, part-way through Kitty's speech.

CHARLIE : She's still upstairs in the bathroom. I can hear her dancing. (beat) She kept falling in the bathtub as she'd try and slide down the shower rod.

Kitty sets out a plate for Red, Charlie, and Hyde who comes up from the basement entrance.

HYDE : Perfect. Not only did I have the dumb luck to get married, I had the dumb luck to get married to an idiot.

RED : That's where you're wrong, Steven. It's what I kept telling Eric. It's not luck, good or bad. It's not fate. It's just being a dumbass. So congratulations! You finally know what it's like to be Eric now!

Kitty sits in her chair, trying to comfort Hyde, while Red and Charlie eat.

KITTY : Now, now. I'm sure that we can figure some way out of this! Do you remember Sam at all?

HYDE : Only a few times that involved beer and one dollar bills.

CHARLIE : (interested) Really?

KITTY : (smacks Charlie's arm lightly, and he goes back to eating as she pats Hyde's shoulder) And what did Jackie say?

HYDE : (suddenly angry) Why is everyone asking me about Jackie? What about me? I'm married! I fell into the one institution that I never wanted to because of my parents! And what's worse is, I can't even remember doing it!

The phone rings. No one really knows what to say or do, so Charlie finally gets up to answer it.

CHARLIE : Forman residence. Oh, hey Eric! Isn't it late for you way over in... huh? Oh. Yeah, Hyde's here. (covers the mouthpiece) Eric wants to talk to you.

Hyde gets up, trying to calm down, and takes the phone away from Charlie.

HYDE : Hey, Forman. What? No! (beat) Who told you? (pause) Fine. (hangs up the phone and looks at everyone)

KITTY : (excited) Well? What did Eric have to say?

HYDE : In between his girlish fits of laughter, I think I heard him call me a dumbass.

RED : (proudly) That's my boy!

CUT TO CREDITS

ACT ONE

Daytime, Fez & Kelso's apartment

Kelso comes out of his bedroom, carrying baby Betsy, who is fussing. Kelso is trying his damndest to calm her down, but there's a loud noise coming from the outside bathroom.

KELSO : Aww, come on, Betsy... it's okay... Just go back to sleep, and then Daddy can go murder uncle Fez.

Fed up, he bangs on the bathroom door.

KELSO : Fez! Dammit, Fez!

The bathroom door opens. Fez is wearing a very short robe, belted, blow-drying his hair with a massive dryer that's still running.

FEZ : (shouting) What do you want?

KELSO : Turn off the dryer!

FEZ : (shuts it off, annoyed) Fine. But I'll have you know you've disrupted me at a very delicate point in the process.

KELSO : (surprised, almost apologetic) Oh, crap, were you teasing?

FEZ : Yes. But it's all ruined now.

KELSO : Dude, I'm sorry... (shakes it off) No, wait a minute-- no! Dude, Betsy is trying to sleep.

FEZ : Are you kidding me? Does that kid do anything but eat, sleep and go to the bathroom?

KELSO : (amused) Nope. Kinda like Eric last year.

FEZ : All right, fine, fine. I'll just start moisturizing, then--

Fez starts to unbelt his robe.

KELSO : (turning away in horror) No! Ahh, Betsy, don't look!

He shuts the bathroom door.

KELSO : No little girl should see that. (beat) Nobody should see that.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Jackie's bedroom

Donna is sitting in a chair beside the bed, looking tired and frustrated. There is a big lumpy shape under the covers.

DONNA : (exasperated) Come on, Jackie... You saw the last time you peeked out that it's daylight now.

JACKIE : (under blanket) I don't wanna.

DONNA : What are you, afraid you're going to see your shadow?

JACKIE : (under blanket) Yes. 'Cuz it means six more months of hell.

DONNA : Jackie, you need to come out. Please?

Finally, Jackie peeks out from under the blankets, eyes red.

JACKIE : There, you giant nag. I'm out.

DONNA : Thank you. Now we need to work on getting you out of bed.

JACKIE : Oh, hell no. Not as long as-- as--

DONNA : (groans) You're going to have to say it sometime.

JACKIE : Steven.

DONNA : Good...

JACKIE : Steven... is.

DONNA : Getting there...

JACKIE : Steven... is... married.

DONNA : (encouraging) Almost...

JACKIE : (shouting) Steven is married to a bleached-blonde, slutty-looking, cheap, floozy, dumb-as-a-bag-of-hammers stripper!

DONNA : (sighs) There's my girl. (she stands) And now, I'm going to go pass out. What are you going to do?

JACKIE : (sniffs) Either wallow... or sharpen my claws. Or both.

DONNA : Good plan.

Donna walks out.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime - Forman's Garage

Hyde is in the garage, looking through various things, not really doing much of anything. Picking up tools, trying to fix stuff, etc. Red walks in from the driveway.

RED : Steven, what the hell are you doing out here?

HYDE : What does it look like? I'm hiding from my wife.

RED : (nods his head in understanding) Well, this isn't the best place to do it. They find you here, you know. (looking around nervously) They always find you here...

HYDE : (throws down whatever he's holding) Then what the hell am I supposed to do? I don't remember any of this crap, but there she is. (pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket, then puts it back) Wedding certificate and everything.

RED : Son, you're going to have to go and talk to Sam sooner or later. She's driving Kitty nuts, and I am not about to let YOUR wife screw up anything for me by making MY wife upset. Got it?

HYDE : I just need to figure some way out of this.

RED : (laughing uproariously) Good luck with that one! (leaves)

Hyde pulls out the wedding certificate from his back pocket (we get a close-up of it) and reads it again, still in disbelief.

DISSOLVE TO FANTASY

It's the tackiest chapel ever. Sam is dressed up like a Las Vegas Showgirl, complete with feathers in her hat. Hyde is dressed up like Elvis, white jumpsuit and a beer in one hand. He is completely drunk, with one arm draped over Sam. She keeps kissing his neck during the ceremony, as "Blue Hawaii" plays in the background, and an Elvis impersonator comes out dressed just like Hyde. We can't see his face.

PRIEST : Hey there, pretty mama. Do you take this man?

SAM : (in between kisses) I do!

PRIEST : (turning to Hyde) And do you take this hunka-hunka-burning love over here?

HYDE : Be my Priscilla, baby!

PRIEST : By the state of Nevada and the almighty King... (he bows his head in respect for a moment, and Hyde & Sam do the same) ... I now pronounce you Stripper and Dumbass!

We see that it's Red dressed up as Elvis now. Sam hops onto Hyde and smothers him with kisses, but he gets a horrified look on his face as we...

DISSOLVE BACK to the Forman's garage

Hyde has the same look on his face as in the fantasy. He stuffs the paper back into his pocket.

HYDE : Yeah. Time to talk to the wife.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime - The Basement

Fez is sitting in the folding chair. Charlie keeps running up and down the stairs, loading up the deep freeze. Donna is sitting on the couch watching TV. Kelso is over by the shower, rocking Betsy, who's still fussing. Sam is sitting in Hyde's chair, painting her toenails. Jackie is missing. Hyde comes downstairs and sees Sam in his seat - it's the last straw.

HYDE : Oh. Oh no you don't.

He storms over to her and pulls her up, not caring about making a scene.

SAM : What are you doing? My nails aren't dry!

HYDE : Do you know where you were sitting?

FEZ : (whispers to Donna) Here it comes...

SAM : (shrugging it off) A chair?

CHARLIE : (stops halfway up the stairs) I'm new here and even I know that's the wrong answer.

HYDE : No. Not a chair. MY chair. Mine.

SAM : But we're married, so it doesn't really matter anymore, Hyde!

KELSO : (still holding Betsy) And you guys complain about ME being dumb!

HYDE : (angry) Look, Sam. Here's the deal. I barely remember you. I don't want you here, and I certainly don't want to be married to you. IF, and I mean IF, I was going to be married to anyone, then...

The basement door opens and Jackie enters on the last part of his speech. She freezes. Hyde freezes. Sam looks confused. Everyone else looks nervous.

FEZ : Oh, this is not awkward at all. Hyde with his new, sexy stripper wife and also his ex-girlfriend who he was going to propose to until he saw Kelso at her motel room. No, not awkward at all.

They all stare in silence at Fez.

FEZ : (nervously) Ay, did I say that out loud? Oops.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Everyone is still frozen in place after Fez' big slip.

JACKIE : St-steven? Is it true?

HYDE : What? Is what true?

JACKIE : (wheels turning) Oh my God, it is true, isn't it? I never even thought about it, but you went to Chicago to see me!

KELSO : Of course that's true, Jackie, we were all there.

HYDE, JACKIE, DONNA, CHARLIE & FEZ : SHUT UP, KELSO!

KELSO : Jeez, I'm just tryin' to help.

SAM : (angry) Hyde, who the hell is this little girl?

HYDE : Sam, stay out of this.

JACKIE : Little girl? (angry) I just happen to be the love of Steven's life.

SAM : (to Hyde) You never told me you had one of those.

HYDE : Seriously, Sam, just go back into my room and stay out of this.

JACKIE : Yeah, get the hell out of here, tramp.

SAM : Who are you calling a tramp, shorty?

From where they're watching the fight, Charlie nudges Donna.

CHARLIE : (whispers) Okay, who is she calling a tramp? I'm starting to get confused.

DONNA : (shushes him) I'll draw you a diagram later.

JACKIE : It's a simple question, Steven. Why did you go to Chicago to see me?

HYDE : I don't know. I didn't know. I just needed to see you. I was going to figure it out from there.

JACKIE : That's it? "I don't know?" Steven, that's not good enough.

HYDE : (frustrated) It never is, is it?

Before she can reply, Hyde crosses the room and goes through the door, slamming it behind him. Jackie turns to follow him, but Donna reaches out and stops her.

DONNA : Um, Jackie, maybe you should let him calm down first.

JACKIE : Oh, no. I let him run off once, and he ended up married to Slut Barbie over there.

SAM : Hey!

JACKIE : Which reminds me... before I go...

Jackie steps up to Sam and grabs the bottle of nail polish, shaking it so that the stuff gets all over Sam's shirt.

SAM : My shirt!

Sam starts dabbing at the stain with the brush, trying to scoop it back into the bottle. Jackie grins.

JACKIE : Oh, he is SO not going to pick you over me.

Jackie leaves by the same door as Hyde. Sam pouts in frustration.

SAM : What gets out nail polish?

CHARLIE : Club soda?

DONNA : Acetone?

FEZ : Taking off your top?

Sam shrugs and starts to undo her top. Fez claps happily.

FEZ : If this Hyde thing does not work out, perhaps she will marry me.

SCENE BUMPER

Night, Forman kitchen

Red and Kitty are eating dinner. Bob comes in through the sliding door.

BOB : Hey there, hi there, ho there!

RED : I just never get tired of hearing that.

BOB : Good, 'cuz I was considering changing my go-to greeting with something new, but if you like Old Faithful, that's the way it'll stay.

KITTY : What brings you around, Bob? Or did you just follow the scent of tuna noodle casserole?

BOB : Oh, you know me too well, Kitty.

Bob starts helping himself to some food. Red rolls his eyes, but Kitty puts a hand on Red's arm before he can kick Bob out.

KITTY : Bob, you're looking more... brown.

BOB : Didn't Donna mention? I got back from a trip a couple of days ago.

KITTY : Another trip? That's the third in the last two months!

RED : You're not up to anything stupid, are you, Bob? Nobody wants a repeat of your "eat cheese in every state in the Union" phase.

BOB : (happy) Nope, this is much better. But, it's a surprise.

KITTY : Oh, good. (laughs) I love surprises.

BOB : Good, 'cuz I hope that you'll get involved with it, once I've got all the details worked out.

RED : Bob, if you even think the word "AMWAY", I'm gonna throw a party to sell my foot to your ass.

KITTY : Oh, Red... He only tried that once.

BOB : Anyhoo... (he pulls an envelope out of his pocket) Wanna see my trip pictures?

Before either of them can respond, he starts dealing them out like cards. Red suddenly grabs one and stares at it. He starts laughing out loud.

SCENE BUMPER

Night, Formans' basement

Donna, Charlie, Fez & Kelso are all still a little stunned. Kelso is rocking Betsy, who is starting to get quiet.

KELSO : (to Betsy) Good girl, good girl. (to everybody) Okay, I'm taking Betsy back to the apartment and put her down for the night. See ya.

He turns to leave, then looks back at Fez.

KELSO : (to Fez) And when you get back home, no blasting your stupid disco music again.

FEZ : What else am I going to use as my soundtrack to get undressed to?

Kelso shakes his head and leaves. Charlie scratches his head. Donna notices.

DONNA : (to Charlie) Still kinda reeling after the whole Hyde and Jackie event, huh?

CHARLIE : Sort of. Were they always like that?

FEZ : No. Sometimes, they would have fights.

CHARLIE : That wasn't a fight?

DONNA : Nope. That was just a typical night for them.

CHARLIE : Really? Then why doesn't Hyde just stay with Sam, then?

Sam calls out from inside Hyde's room.

SAM (off-screen) : Um, hello? Can somebody help me? I can't figure out Hyde's bed!

CHARLIE : I thought Hyde just slept on a cot. (mimes the simple act of opening the cot)

DONNA & FEZ : He does.

CHARLIE : And doesn't he keep it open?

DONNA & FEZ : He does.

FEZ : I think Charlie withdraws the question.

Charlie nods.

SCENE BUMPER

Night, Formans' driveway

Jackie is sitting on the bench outside the kitchen door. The El Camino pulls into the driveway and she runs around to the driver's side.

JACKIE : Steven! Oh, thank God!

She opens his door and he gets out.

HYDE : Jackie, what--?

JACKIE : I thought you'd run away again.

HYDE : I thought about it. (beat) I'm out of gas.

JACKIE : Can we talk?

HYDE : I hate that question.

JACKIE : I know, but you know we have to.

Hyde walks to the back of the El Camino and drops the gate. He hops up and gestures at the other side.

JACKIE : You want to have a big talk like this sitting in the driveway?

HYDE : Except for that one breakup, it seemed to work pretty good for Forman and Donna.

Jackie shrugs and hops up onto the gate.

JACKIE : So...

HYDE : Yep.

JACKIE : You never answered my question.

HYDE : Yes, I did.

JACKIE : That wasn't an answer. Did you go to Chicago to say "yes"? To propose?

HYDE : I told you, I don't know.

Long beat.

JACKIE : Did you go to tell me you wanted us to break up?

HYDE : No.

Before Jackie can respond, Bob comes out of the kitchen door. We can still hear Red laughing.

BOB : Hey, kids. Look, I can see you're in the middle of something, but I figured you'd wanna see this.

JACKIE : What is it?

BOB : A snapshot from my last trip.

HYDE : Bob, we're not really in the mood for another picture of you standing next to the "World's Largest" something.

BOB : Oh, you're gonna want to see this one. (he hands Hyde the picture) Made a couple of Southwest stops this trip. Phoenix, Santa Fe... Las Vegas...

HYDE : Vegas?

BOB : Yep. Picked me up some real sweet souvenirs. That Elvis jumpsuit cost me a pretty penny, though.

JACKIE : (pointing at the photo) Steven, that's you and Sam! In front of a wedding chapel!

HYDE : And the guy in the Elvis suit that married us. (beat) Wait, Elvis suit?

They both gape at Bob, who does an Elvis pose.

BOB : You two seemed happy. Or at least, drunk enough to enjoy the joke. Wasn't until Red saw the picture and filled me in that I found out you didn't know it was me.

HYDE : But if you performed the ceremony...

JACKIE : (excited) Then you're not married!

HYDE : (happy) I'm not married!

Both blink, and are kissing in a heartbeat.

BOB : Woo-hoo!

Bob shuffles uncomfortably, then plucks the picture out of Jackie's hand before slipping back into the kitchen. Jackie and Hyde finally break the clinch. They compose themselves.

HYDE : Um, that was really hot, but... this doesn't change a lot of things. It doesn't change the fact you gave me an ultimatum.

JACKIE : And it doesn't change the fact that you ran away instead of talking to me about it.

HYDE : So what does it change, then?

JACKIE : You're not really married to someone who makes Michael look like Einstein. (beat) And it doesn't change the fact that I love you.

She gets down off the gate.

JACKIE : I'll talk to you tomorrow, Steven.

HYDE : Yeah, okay.

Jackie walks away. Hyde watches her leave, then lays back in the truckbed, staring up at the sky.

HYDE : Ow. Forman, this isn't comfortable at all.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

Night, Fez & Kelso's apartment

We hear a baby crying off-screen. Kelso gets out of his bedroom, groggily, and walks to the fridge.

KELSO : I'm hurrying, Betsy. Please be quiet so Daddy can remember which bottle is yours and which one is his. (beat, a little quieter) Man, I'd hate to give her the bottle full of my hair conditioner.

He opens the door. There are no bottles at all.

KELSO : FEZ! Get out here! (beat) FEZ! Put some clothes on and get out here!

Fez comes out of his bedroom with a short robe on, rubbing his eyes.

FEZ : (glaring) What do you want, you sonofabitch? I was in the middle of...

Kelso just looks at him.

FEZ : Nothing important.

KELSO : (gestures to the fridge as Betsy keeps crying) Dude, what the hell happened to all of the bottles for Betsy?

FEZ : (looking nervous) We were robbed?

KELSO : Man, that was Brooke's breast milk! I only had enough for this weekend! (sees Fez looking away and actually figures it out) You drank it? Aww, man, that's just WRONG. I mean, we all know you're weird, but that's just... WEIRD.

FEZ : It was milk from a breast! What the hell was I supposed to do?

KELSO : Get a girl of your own so you can feel up her boobs like us normal people do! DUH! (slams the fridge shut after taking some milk out) Okay. Milk. She can drink normal milk, right? (He pours it into a normal glass and goes back to his bedroom)

Fez sits on the couch and pulls out a baby bottle he had hidden. He starts sucking on it without taking the nipple off, then making faces.

FEZ : Kelso, what the hell?

KELSO : (off-screen) That would be hair conditioner! Burn!

THE END


	3. Don't Bring Me Down

Episode Three - Don't forget to review! More episodes are on the way!

Day, Point Place bus station

Hyde, Fez, Kelso and Donna are there to see Sam off. Sam stands a little apart, flanked by two small pink suitcases.

DONNA : (to Sam) Now you're sure you got everyting? Mrs. Forman was very specific that you not leave anything behind.

SAM : No, I've got it all.

FEZ : (under his breath) That's what I said.

DONNA : You're sure? Because for somebody who thought she was moving in with her husand, it doesn't look like you brought much stuff.

SAM : No, this is everything. The secret to packing light is not wearing underwear.

KELSO : (to Hyde) Wait, what's the problem with this situation again?

FEZ : (to Sam) Are you sure you will not marry me?

Hyde shuffles Sam off in the direction of the terminal.

HYDE : (to Sam) Well, see you, then.

SAM : Hyde, I still think we really had something.

HYDE : Sam, you're a stripper, and I'm a burnout. We thought we got married in Las Vegas when we were both so drunk we couldn't tell that the Elvis impersonator was Bob Pinciotti. All we had was a cautionary tale.

He steps back, pats her on the shoulder, then steps back some more.

SAM : But what will you do without me?

HYDE : Get baked, run my record store, and probably not contract a bunch of funky social diseases. (beat) Bye!

Sam steps through the doors of the terminal, and Hyde turns back to the gang.

HYDE : Speaking of my record store, I guess I'd better head over there. How's it been?

DONNA : You know, I don't think I've been there since you left.

General negative sounds from the gang.

KELSO : Nope, if you're not there, who's gonna let us light up in the listening pit?

HYDE : Are you kidding me? I left Leo in charge-- I left Leo in charge!

They all run off.

CUT TO

Daytime, outside of "Grooves"

They arrive at the store. Hyde throws the door open and they're blasted by a wave of smoke.

HYDE : Aww, man...

CUT TO CREDITS

ACT ONE

Daytime, continuing from TEASER

Hyde, Fez, Kelso, and Donna enter "Grooves" and begin coughing, waving their hands at the smoke everywhere. Leo is in the middle of the room where the listening pit should be. Instead, he's hanging out and there's no furniture.

HYDE : Leo, what the hell, man?

LEO : Oh. Hey there. I know you, man.

HYDE : Yeah, yeah, look Leo. I left you in charge! My dad's going to kill me when he sees that... (beat) What happened to the records?

LEO : What records?

DONNA : (whispering to Hyde) We're not getting through to him.

HYDE : You think?

Kelso and Fez have, meanwhile, joined Leo on the ground and started eating up the leftover pizza that's there and drinking some beers.

KELSO : Man, I thought this place rocked before, but now it's freakin' awesome!

HYDE : (glaring at Fez & Kelso) All right, you two? Out, now!

FEZ : (as he gets up) Oh fine. Yes, let's yell at Fez because he has no woman and no love and the white man is keeping his chocolate brown skin down! (beat) I think I stayed in the smoke here too long.

KELSO : C'mon, man, you can help clean up the apartment for Brooke's visit tomorrow with Betsy. (They are almost out the door) But you better have some clothes on when she gets here!

DONNA : (shaking her head at it all) Hyde, what are you going to do?

HYDE : I don't know.

CUT TO

THE CIRCLE

HYDE : Yes, I do. Leo, you're fired!

LEO : Cool, man!

DONNA : If there aren't any records in a record store, can you still call it a "record store"? Or is it just a "store"?

HYDE : Maybe I'll hire Charlie while he's still in town to help out. Clean this place up a bit. He does favors for needy people, right Donna?

DONNA : (confused) What?

HYDE : (grinning) Nothing.

LEO : Hey, where's Loud Girl? You love Loud Girl.

DONNA : You do? Awwww, Hyde and Jackie are in loooooooooove.

HYDE : Shut up! Geez, he can't remember where the keys to the store are, but he remembers THAT.

LEO : (excited) Wait!

DONNA & HYDE : What?

LEO : (shakes his head) No, never mind.

DONNA : (under her breath) Loooooooooooove...

LEO : (excited) Wait!

DONNA & HYDE : (annoyed) What!

LEO : (shakes his head) No, never mind.

HYDE : Oh, for the love of--

LEO : (excited) Wait!

HYDE : I swear to God, Leo, if you say 'never mind', I'll find a way to get you sober.

LEO : (huffy) Well, there's no need for that. Anyway, I remember what I did with all the records, man!

DONNA & HYDE: WHAT!

LEO : I took them all home. My garage looked so empty without the El Camino in it. (grins)

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime - Fez & Kelso's apartment

Fez is nowhere to be seen. Jackie is sitting on the couch, watching TV. Kelso is running around all over the place, going from his bedroom to the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom and back again.

KELSO : Damn, Jackie, would it kill you to help out a little? She's gonna be here tomorrow!

JACKIE : I don't live here. I'm supervising. And you missed a spot right here on the floor. (she gestures with her hand towards an area that has no spot. Kelso immediately cleans it up.)

KELSO : (as he's cleaning) It's just that... okay, so I cheated on you a lot. A lot. A lot, a lot...

JACKIE : Yeah, I get it, Michael!

KELSO : No, what I'm saying is... I don't wanna cheat on Brooke.

JACKIE : (gasps and claps) Oh my God, Michael! Are you in love with her? Oh, that's so romantic!

Fez comes out of his bedroom with a bag of candy, eating it. As he eats it, little pieces fall all over the floor while he walks to the kitchen. He grabs a beer, wiped his candy-covered hands on the counter, and walks back to his bedroom. As the door begins to shut behind him...

FEZ : Will you two be quiet? I'm... busy. (shuts door)

Jackie just gives Kelso a look.

KELSO : Dude, he is SO outta here by the time she comes for our date!

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime - Forman's living room

Kitty is vacuuming, alone. Every once in awhile, she begins to dance with the vacuum and twirl it around in circles. Donna enters from the kitchen door, watching Kitty and smiling until Kitty realizes she's being watched. She turns the vaccuum off and wipes her hands.

KITTY : Donna! I didn't see you. (nervous laughter)

DONNA : Yeah, I sort of got that. (she holds up a letter) Got another letter from Eric today, but... well, it was sort of weird. I wondered if I could talk to you about it.

KITTY : Oh, I think I have time for my almost-daughter-in-law! (pats the couch as she sits) So? Tell me! What did my little boy have to say about me this time?

DONNA : Oh. Um. (quickly covering up) He misses you. Lots.

KITTY : Aww, that's my Eric! (composes herself) And what was the weird part?

DONNA : Well, it's Eric. I mean, Eric is just weird all the time... (Kitty nods her head in agreement). Let me read the one part to you. (looks at letter) Blah blah, Africa, teaching, teaching, oops can't read you that part... um, here. "I was wondering if there's anything you need to tell me that you feel you need to tell me." (looks at Kitty) What the hell is that? I don't even know what it means. Besides, I tell him everything.

KITTY : Donna, sometimes young men in love get worried when they go off far away. Like Mr. Forman and me? We'd write all the time during the war, and if I didn't tell him how much I loved him at least three times in one letter, he'd get suspicious.

DONNA : But, I don't do anything that's suspicious.

KITTY : (suspiciously) Are you sure?

DONNA : Yes!

KITTY : (condescending) Okay, dear.

SCENE BUMPER

Night - "Grooves"

The smoke is gone. The tables are set back up, but they're mostly empty. Leo is on a stepstool, putting up a blacklight poster while Charlie is hauling milk crates of records from one place to another. Jackie enters, excited, just as Hyde carries a couple of crates in from the back.

JACKIE : Steven, I... (sees the place) Wow. If you're remodeling, you need to hire someone else.

LEO : It's Loud Girl!

HYDE : (to Leo) Yeah, yeah. (to Jackie) Jackie, as you can see, we're pretty busy. What do you want?

JACKIE : I wanted to see you. And, I just talked to Michael, and I had to tell you.

HYDE : (annoyed) Kelso? Again? Why the hell is it always about Kelso?

JACKIE : It's not, I just thought...

HYDE : Jackie, look around. If the store isn't open for business tomorrow morning, my Dad will probably take it away. And believe it or not, the words "I have to get my priorities straight" are actually coming out of my mouth.

JACKIE : Steven, what are you saying?

HYDE : (frustrated) I'm saying that I do not have time to deal with our stuff right now.

JACKIE : (frustrated back) I didn't even come here about "our stuff", Steven, but since you brought it up? You're the one who promised we would talk about it.

HYDE : Not now.

JACKIE : But we need to--

HYDE : Not now!

JACKIE : When, Steven?

HYDE : I said, "not now"! (beat, calmer) Please, Jackie, just go.

JACKIE : Oh, I'm going.

Jackie storms out, slamming the door. The noise startles Leo.

LEO : Oh, right. So that's why I call her Loud Girl.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Daytime, Fez & Kelso's apartment

Kelso is dressed nicely, even wearing a jacket, as he sits on the couch, going through a stack of magazines on his lap. He's separating the big stack into two smaller piles on the coffee table.

KELSO : 'Playboy'-- under the bed... 'Playboy'-- under the bed... 'Rolling Stone'-- stays out... 'Parent'-- stays out... 'Newsweek'-- what the hell is that? Um, stays out... 'Playboy'-- under the bed... 'Red-Hot Housewives'... (beat, makes a third pile) Fez' room.

Fez steps out of his bedroom, wearing silk pajamas that are clearly Hugh Hefner-inspired. He spots the magazines that Kelso is arranging and picks up the two cast-off piles.

FEZ : Thank you, Kelso, I was just thinking I ought to do just this. I can take those others to the trash, if you're busy.

KELSO : Fez, what the hell? Brooke is gonna be here in like, half an hour! Why aren't you dressed?

FEZ : Do you see nipple?

KELSO : What? No.

FEZ : Then I'm dressed. I already agreed to babysit, which completely throws out my plans for the evening...

KELSO : What plans? You were gonna sit in front of the TV and watch the 'Charlie's Angels' marathon.

FEZ : And if you weren't going out, you'd be the first one ordering the pizza, what's your point?

KELSO : The point is that I actually want Brooke to, y'know, stick around.

FEZ : Kelso, I think the baby already sealed that deal.

KELSO : Look, whatever, Fez. Just go put on some clothes, okay?

FEZ : (walks off) Fine, fine. If I had a nickel for every time I heard those words, I wouldn't need to live with you.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Formans' basement

Hyde is relaxing in his chair, dozing with a beer in one hand. Jackie comes in through the door, looking frazzled.

JACKIE : Donna!

HYDE : (not looking up yet) She's not here.

JACKIE : Steven. Great, just great.

HYDE : (looks up) Good to see you, too.

JACKIE : (ignoring it) Have you seen Donna?

HYDE : No, but she's not around here. Did you actually try her house?

JACKIE : Of course I did. When she wasn't there, I came here, since this basement is like a sinkhole that's just always dragging us all down into it.

HYDE : What's got your day-of-the-week panties in a twist?

Jackie seems to debate telling him for a few seconds, then grudgingly relents.

JACKIE : I've been looking for a job.

HYDE : What happened to the Cheese Hut?

JACKIE : Duh. I haven't worked there for months, Mister Run-Off-To-Vegas. (she drops onto the couch) I just spent the last three hours at the mall.

HYDE : And...?

JACKIE : And when I find the exact right outfit for interviews, I know I'll find the perfect job.

HYDE : Good plan, Jackie.

JACKIE : At least I'm doing something. What happened to 'I don't have time for this'?

HYDE : I spent the last three hours hauling records and furniture. I'm taking a break. Besides, I left Charlie in charge. (beat) He's a good kid, even if a little puppy-ish.

JACKIE : You mean the way he always wants people to like him?

HYDE : No, the high-pitched yipping noise he makes when he's happy. Anyway, I figure between his Tweedle-Dee and Leo's Tweedle-Toasted, the store will at least be standing.

JACKIE : (snarky) I'm so happy for you.

HYDE : Jackie, if all you're going to do is bust on me, why don't you just move on?

JACKIE : Oh, no. This part of the basement is fair game. You don't want to deal with me, go to your room.

They stare at each other for a few moments.

JACKIE : In the meantime, I'm in the mood to play me a few ABBA records.

HYDE : Fine!

Hyde gets up and stomps into his room, leaving Jackie alone.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Formans' garage

Red is at his workbench, tinkering with something. Donna enters from the back door.

DONNA : Mr. Forman? Can I ask you a question?

RED : Does it have anything to do with politics or feminism?

DONNA : No. Learned that lesson.

RED : Good. Does it have anything to do with, um, female concerns?

DONNA : No, I'd pretty much ask Mrs. Forman about that. I'd still die of embarassment, but I'd ask her.

RED : Good. Okay, then, shoot.

DONNA : Thanks. It's actually about Eric. I got my usual letter from him, but something about it seemed kind of weird.

RED : Donna, your boyfriend, my only son, still plays with dolls and spent three weeks trying to move rocks with his mind. How much weirder could he get?

DONNA : (she reads from the letter again) "I was wondering if there's anything you need to tell me that you feel you need to tell me." What does that even mean?

RED : Well, is there?

DONNA : No! I've always told Eric everything, even before we were dating! Everything.

RED : Like the fact that you were the one that pulled down his swim trunks underwater that day at the reservoir when he was twelve?

DONNA : How... how did you know?

RED : Because if it had been anyone else, he would have come running up to his mother, butt naked and screaming. Instead, he tried to play it cool.

DONNA : (laughs) As cool as he could, trying to find where I'd thrown them. (shakes the letter) I still don't understand this.

RED : Listen, Donna-- when I was away during the war, I used to get jealous all the time in the letters I wrote to Kitty. Eric's thousands of miles away, and he's coming to realize just how utterly out of his league you are.

DONNA : I'll take that as a compliment, and only a little bit as a slam on Eric.

RED : Atta girl. I'm sure it's nothing.

DONNA : Thanks, Mr. Forman.

Donna turns to leave, but Red stops her.

RED : It is nothing, right? (he looms) I mean, I'd really prefer that this is just a case of my son being a dumbass. (he looms some more, scary) I really don't want to have a... talk... with anybody about it.

DONNA : (a little scared) No, Mr. Forman. It's nothing.

RED : Good. (brightly) Off you go!

Donna runs.

SCENE BUMPER

Evening, Fez & Kelso's aparment

The place is spotless. Kelso is nervously pacing behind the couch. There's a knock on the door and he stumbles as he runs to get it. Opening the door, he grins at seeing Brooke and baby Betsy.

KELSO : There's my girls!

BROOKE : Michael, are you okay? I heard a crash.

KELSO : Oh, it was nothing. Turns out that if you vacuum a carpet, it makes it a lot softer and springier.

BROOKE : Okay...

She hands off the baby to him, and looks around.

BROOKE : Michael, the place looks terrific! Fez sure is doing a good job of keeping up the apartment.

KELSO : What? No! I cleaned the place up. Me.

BROOKE : Really? Wow, I'm impressed. (beat) So where is Fez? He's still babysitting, right?

The door to Fez' room opens. Kelso crosses his fingers, and Fez emerges dressed normally. Behind Brooke, Kelso breathes a huge silent sigh of relief.

FEZ : Ah, there's the pretty ladies.

KELSO : Yeah, Brooke and Betsy are something else, huh?

FEZ : Huh? Sure, yeah. I was talking to her rack.

BROOKE : You're totally sure about this?

KELSO : Of course I am. Fez knows that if anything should happen to Betsy, anything at all, I'd beat the crap out of him.

Fez has moved behind the kitchen counter.

FEZ : You two have fun. Rest assured, your child is in the most responsible hands around.

Fez sets out a huge bottle of liquor out on the counter, then throws it back, chugging it.

KELSO : Fez!

FEZ : What? This is where I put my iced tea. I hate little glasses.

Kelso shakes his head and hands Betsy to Fez.

KELSO : No more iced tea, okay?

FEZ : Fine, fine. Go.

Brooke and Kelso leave. Fez looks at the baby.

FEZ : I hope you play a decent hand of poker.

SCENE BUMPER

Night, "Grooves"

The place is spotless. There are a few customers in the store too, looking at records and walking around. Charlie is behind the register, ringing someone up just as Hyde walks in.

CHARLIE : (happily, handing someone's purchase to them) Thank you for shopping! Don't forget to get your "moves" in "Grooves"! (sees Hyde) Did you like that? I came up with it myself!

HYDE : Charlie, man. Tell me that this isn't some dream.

CHARLIE : Nope, and it's not your stash, either! Oh, which happens to be in the top drawer of your desk in your office.

HYDE : You did all this?

CHARLIE : Yeah. Me and Leo, once I talked to him for about twenty minutes. We just seemed to keep going in circles somehow.

HYDE : Yeah. That happens with Leo. Even when you're not IN a circle. (beat) Man, if you'd like a job here, you're hired.

CHARLIE : Can I keep my little catchphrase I made up?

HYDE : No.

CHARLIE : (disappointed) Oh. What if I bring you some beer from my dad's wherehouse?

HYDE : No.

CHARLIE : What if--

HYDE : No. Do you want the job?

CHARLIE : Yes.

HYDE : Good. Get back to work, then. (grins as he walks to his office) It's good to be the boss.

Hyde shuts the door behind him, and as Charlie goes back to ringing people up, we see smoke coming out of the bottom of Hyde's office door.

END ACT TWO

TAG

Night, Fez & Kelso's apartment

Betsy is crying, and Fez is pacing the living room, trying to shush her.

FEZ : (sings) Hush, little baby, don't say a word... Fez is gonna buy you a, uh... (thinks) ...a Thunderbird. And if that Thunderbird don't shine... um... Fez is gonna... do something that rhymes with "shine"... Ay...

He holds up the baby and glares at it, almost defiantly.

FEZ : All right, you little rebel. It's three o'clock in the morning. Your parents are not here, I have no time for my beauty sleep, and you're almost out of diapers. But let's do this thing.

Fez stares at the baby for a moment, who is now snoring softly and trying to lean her haid against his shoulder.

FEZ : And now after all that, you're asleep. (mortified) I have been baby-burned. Ay.

END OF TAG

THE END


	4. Prodigal Son

Episode Four - Guess who's coming home to Point Place? Please review!

Daytime - Formans' Living Room

Red is in his chair, reading a newspaper while Kitty is sitting on the couch watching TV. Donna enters from the kitchen doorway and sits down next to Kitty. (NOTE : This should look exactly the same as the end of Act One, Episode One.) Kitty pats Donna's knee, who seems a little upset.

KITTY : Donna, is everything okay?

DONNA : I'm sorry, Mrs. Forman. I'm a little distracted today. I stayed up all night waiting for Eric's weekly phone call, and he never called. And now my dad keeps talking about Florida for some reason. I kind of needed to come over here and clear my head.

KITTY : Oh, you're more than welcome to come over anytime you'd like!

RED : (looks up from his newspaper) Wait a minute. That idiot son of mine never called you?

DONNA : No. Um. I'm sure something must have come up.

RED : In Africa? What could possibly come up? A rhino?

Kitty shoots Red a glare as she tries to comfort Donna.

KITTY : You're right, Donna. Something probably came up and he'll call tonight. You'll see!

There's a knock on the front door. Kitty gets up to get it, and when she opens it we see Eric. He's got a large backpack which he drops to the floor just as Kitty begins hugging him.

ERIC : Hey Mom. Dad. (beat) Donna.

KITTY : You're home! You're home! (stops hugging him to pinch his cheeks) Oh, and we were so worried because you didn't call Donna last night, but it was because you're home! Red, look! He's home!

Eric's arms are flailing slightly, trying to get free of Kitty all while trying to look manly at the same time.

RED : Yeah. He's home. (stands up, hands on his hips) So, you moving back in then?

ERIC : That was sort of the plan, yeah.

RED : (mumbled) Damn it. I mean, hey! You're home early!

Donna is still in shock. She stands slowly and walks to Eric, and only then does Kitty get out of the way.

DONNA : I... I can't believe you're really here.

ERIC : (quietly) I'm really here.

Charlie enters from upstairs. He's smiling as he runs up to Eric.

CHARLIE : Hey, you're back early!

ERIC : Yeah. Bet you weren't expecting that, huh?

Eric pulls back his fist to punch Charlie, but Charlie turns his head at the last second to look at Donna and Eric's fist flies, along with his whole body, until he hits the floor. Kitty, Charlie, and Donna all look over him.

DONNA : Oh my God! (overlapping with Kitty)

KITTY : What happened? (overlapping with Donna)

CHARLIE : Are you okay? Say something, Eric!

ERIC : (muffled, from the floor just as Kelso did from Episode One) Ow.

RED : (annoyed) It's like deja vu. On dope! (sighs) Ladies and gentlemen, the dumbass has returned.

CUT TO CREDITS

ACT ONE

Daytime, Forman's Dining Room

Eric is sitting at the dining room table with a make-shift ice pack on his face. Kitty is fussing over him. Donna is there, arms crossed, but no one else is there yet.

ERIC : Mom, I'm fine. Really.

KITTY : Honey, I'll tell you when you're fine. (looks at his face a few times) You're not fine. Keep that ice pack on and I'll make you some chicken noodle soup!

ERIC : Mom, I don't NEED chicken noodle soup, I just--

KITTY : Oh, everyone needs chicken noodle soup!

Eric gives in, and Kitty begins making the soup. Donna just looks at him.

DONNA : Okay, it's not like I'm NOT glad to see you, but what the hell?

ERIC : Oh. Oh, I think you know, Donna.

DONNA : No, I don't.

ERIC : (laughs) Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

DONNA : Actually, that quote is always misused. It really means--

ERIC : Whatever! I was trying to protect you from some dirty, slimy guy who thought he could steal you away. And, and, and let me tell you. No one does that to Eric Forman!

DONNA : (angry) Eric, I'm not a THING that can be stolen, or kept, or anything. Haven't you learned that by now?

ERIC : (sheepish) Um. Obviously not...

DONNA : (sits with him) Why don't you tell me what this is really about?

Before he can say anything, we hear Red off-screen.

RED : Kitty, I need some help moving Charlie's crap from Eric's bedroom into Laurie's!

KITTY : (stops, a little angry) You'd think that he would be happy he's not dead, but one little heart attack and all of a sudden he's just bossy, bossy, bossy! (To Red, with a smile on her face now) Coming! (laughs and exits through the living room door)

ERIC : I missed you.

DONNA : (laughs) Yeah, I got that part. Why were you trying to hit Charlie?

Before he can answer again, Hyde enters from the basement entrance.

HYDE : Forman! Thought I heard your squealing up here.

ERIC : Hyde! (smiles, takes ice pack off, and gives him the manly-hug)

HYDE : The hell's going on here, man?

ERIC : (looks around to make sure he won't be interrupted this time, pulling a piece of paper out) Look guys, I got this letter from Fez awhile back and...

DONNA : (grabs the letter and reads it) What? I'm sleeping with CHARLIE?

HYDE : You're sleeping with Charlie?

DONNA : No!

HYDE : You had me worried there, Donna. Forman's one thing. Nailing guys out of sympathy is another. (beat) Actually, those are the same thing...

ERIC : (stands up, confused) Okay, then why would he send this to me? A long-distance burn?

HYDE : (laughs, coughs, then looks serious) Why don't we find out?

CUT TO

Daytime, The Basement

Kelso and Fez are playing red-hands behind the couch. Jackie is sitting on the floor, dealing out cards to play Solitaire. Charlie isn't in the room. Donna, Hyde, and Eric enter from the stairs. Hyde goes to his chair right away and lounges. Donna stands by the deep-freeze, angry. Eric walks up to Fez, turns him around, and shoves the letter in his face.

ERIC : Care to explain this?

FEZ : (nervous) Eric! You're back early!

KELSO : Good to seeya!

Jackie just waves from the floor.

ERIC : Oh no. No no no no no no! We are not changing the subject here... although yes. Yes I suppose it IS good to see me. (grins) But no! What is this letter about, Fez?

FEZ : Oh, just how Donna is doing it with Charlie...

DONNA : I am NOT!

HYDE : Fez, why the hell would you write that, man?

KELSO : Oh, he didn't write it. I did. (They all look at him) Yup. I wrote it. Fez had all these fancy words and crap he was gonna throw in there, but I figured if we wanted Eric to get home, it needed to be right to the point. (points to Donna) Girlfriend. Whore. (beat) Yeah, I'm good with words!

(They all stare except Jackie)

HYDE : Kelso, somtimes the lack of brain cells you have amazes even me.

KELSO : I know, huh? (grins and sits in the folding chair) But hey, I can't take all the credit. (beat) Well, I could, but Jackie was the one who was spying on them with Fez.

(Hyde, Donna, & Eric stare at Jackie, who finally looks up)

DONNA : Jackie!

HYDE : And just when I think there's no one dumber than Kelso, you come along and prove me wrong. (beat) What were you thinking, you idiot?

JACKIE : I'm not the idiot here, moron! Fez and I clearly saw Charlie leaving Donna's place and his clothes were all rumpled. (shrugs) What were we supposed to think?

DONNA : Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe that he was taking karate lessons from me?

ERIC : (hopeful) Was he?

DONNA : Yes! He wanted to fit into the gang so badly and I was lonely without you here, Eric, so it was fun. Got all my agression out, and God, why am I explaining myself to ANY of you? I'm out of here. (exits through the basement door)

ERIC : Donna, wait... (the door slams and he slumps a little) I blew that, didn't I?

Kelso, Fez, Hyde, and Jackie all give affirmative sounds. ("Yes", "Yup", "Like you normally do", etc.)

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime - Pinciotti's Kitchen

Donna is sitting at the dining room table. Bob is by the fridge, upset. Eric comes in through the open door but Bob steps between him and Donna.

BOB : Oh no you don't, mister. You've got a lot of nerve coming here after you upset my little girl.

ERIC : No. I didn't... Mr. Pinciotti, I didn't mean to...

DONNA : It's okay, Dad.

BOB : (walks to her and kisses her cheek) Well, if you say so, pumpkin. (to Eric) But no funny business from you!

ERIC : No, sir. Nothing funny. Or businesslike, either.

Bob eyes Eric, but leaves through the kitchen door to the living room. Eric stands near Donna, not wanting to sit yet.

ERIC : Donna, I am so, so sorry. I should have trusted you instead of writing cryptic letters, but it's me. I screw things up.

DONNA : Yeah, you do, Eric. But that's not why I'm upset.

ERIC : It's... not? (confused, he sits down) Okay. Because I sort of thought I was the reason...

DONNA : You ARE the reason I'm upset! But it's not because of the letter, it's not because you wanted to punch Charlie, it's because you're here!

ERIC : (really confused) See, and I thought that would be the good part.

DONNA : Eric, you left. You left me here so you could teach in Africa for a freaking year! And this was after I'd decided to stay home from college to be with you after you wanted your "year off" crap.

ERIC : I... I thought we discussed this already...

DONNA : (quieter) We did. And I told you I was cool with you going, and that I was cool with me selling all of our wedding stuff, but seeing you here? With my life on hold still and you back, all of a sudden? It made me realize that I'm not. I'm not cool with any of it.

ERIC : So. (beat) You want me back in Africa?

DONNA : No. (smiles) If you're here to stay, that's great for you. And I really want to be with you, Eric. Because I love you. But we made a promise that we'd both go to college once your teaching was done and...

ERIC : Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses there. Is that what this is about? You're jealous of me finishing my teaching, which, by the way, funny story. I never finished it and yet, here I am.

DONNA : Yeah, I'm sort of confused about that whole part.

ERIC : I burned down the school.

DONNA : (laughs) You did what?

ERIC : Oh yes. That's right. Not only do I have the power to screw up things in one continent, but two now. (laughs) Yeah, there was this whole thing during a lunch break, and I was looking over some (makes airquotes with his fingers) "classified paperwork", and I (makes the airquotes again) "accidentally" knocked over a candle.

DONNA : You burned down the school with a candle?

ERIC : It was a BIG candle, Donna! And you don't know what it's like there in Africa! Everything catches on fire! I found that out the first day when I was trying to get some stash to mail home for Hyde, and my pants ended up half-burnt.

Donna is cracking up by now.

ERIC : Anyway, they sent me back here, saying that I'd fulfilled my teaching requirements and to never return to Africa again. So, on the plus side? I get to go to college with you now. On the minus side? (beat) I still haven't figured out what to tell everyone, because I am NOT going to repeat that story!

DONNA : So. You came home because of us?

ERIC : Yeah. I got the letter, I did, but it was after the fire. I wanted to surprise you, so I caught the quickest flight out, the cheapest bus from the airport...

DONNA : (smiles) Now you're just trying to make me feel guilty for being mad at you.

ERIC : Is it working?

DONNA : Maybe. (beat) You're really here. And, I can start looking into college again, and...

Eric shuts her up with a kiss. A long kiss. As he pulls away from her, she's beaming.

DONNA : God, you're such a dork! You burned down a school!

ERIC : I love you too, Donna.

They kiss again.

SCENE BUMPER

Night - The Water Tower

Donna and Eric are near each other, and every now and then he hugs her. Jackie looks pissed for some reason. Hyde is standing on the opposite end of the tower from her. Fez and Kelso are standing near each other, in the middle of the group. Charlie has just climbed the tower with beers, and is passing them out to everyone.

KELSO : Charlie, you are awesome, man!

HYDE : Yeah, it doesn't take much to win us over. (sips his beer)

JACKIE : (snarky) That's obvious.

HYDE : (also snarky) Oh, would you shut up?

She glares at him, but Charlie is oblivious to it all.

CHARLIE : I'm just so excited! Eric's home, I've got a job working with Hyde, I know some karate from Donna. You guys are the best!

FEZ : Don't forget the closets...

CHARLIE : Right!

DONNA : What?

FEZ & CHARLIE : Nothing.

ERIC : Look, Charlie, I'm sorry man. I don't know what got into me and...

CHARLIE : It's okay! Don't worry about it! I'm just so glad you guys let me find my own little place in your group.

FEZ : Aww...

HYDE : That deserves a toast. (raises his beer, and everyone else follows) To Charlie!

EVERYONE BUT CHARLIE : To Charlie!

As they all drink, Charlie raises his beer can, stumbles a bit, and falls off the water tower backwards. Everyone rushes to the side to see what happened.

KELSO : He should be okay. We've all fallen off this thing, and no one's died yet!

CUT TO

Daytime - A Cemetary

All the kids are there dressed in black, along with Red, Kitty, and Bob. A priest stands before them and we've cut halfway into his speech.

PRIEST : So today we honor the memory of Charlie Richardson...

The kids whisper under their breath as the Priest continues.

KELSO : Man, I've fallen off that tower like a dozen times! I can't believe they're naming it after Charlie.

DONNA : Kelso, he died!

HYDE : With a smile on his face, and a beer in his hand. That's the way to go.

EVERYONE : (especially the kids) Amen.

END ACT ONE

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

ACT TWO

Daytime, Formans' basement

Hyde is sitting in his chair with his feet up, drinking a beer and watching TV. Kitty comes downstairs with a load of laundry.

KITTY : Steven? Aren't you supposed to be at the record store today? You know, like every day?

HYDE : I took the day off from work. I'm in mourning. (he laughs at something on TV) Ha, stupid Gilligan.

KITTY : Yes, Steven, you seem all broken up about it.

HYDE : Seriously, Mrs. Forman, I just don't want to open the store back up with Charlie gone.

KITTY : Aww, you do miss him.

HYDE : No. If the store's open and he's not there, then I actually have to work.

KITTY : Steven, sweetheart, you're going to have to go back to work. If not just because Red will be down here every day coming up with new and colorful ways to put his foot in your ass, pardon my French. But especially with you and Jackie back together--

HYDE : Jackie and I are not back together!

KITTY : (condescending) Whatever you say, sweetie.

Kitty starts for the stairs.

KITTY : So what else have you got planned for your big day off besides beer and television castaways?

HYDE : (shrugs) I dunno. But I think Jackie's coming by later.

KITTY : Right...

HYDE : (shouts) We're not back together!

KITTY : (halfway up the stairs) Whatever you say!

Hyde frowns.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Fez & Kelso's apartment

Kelso bursts in through the front door, carrying Betsy in one arm.

KELSO : Fez! Fez!

Fez emerges from his bedroom with a bright green beauty mask on his face. Kelso jumps.

FEZ : What?

KELSO : Fez, what the hell is that on your face?

FEZ : I'll have you know this is a beauty mask. Avocado for my skin, lime juice for astringency, and cilantro for my pores.

Kelso walks up to him and pokes at the mask stuff.

KELSO : It looks like guacamole.

FEZ : (frustrated) It is guacamole, you knucklehead! I ran out of my usual mud mask and had to improvise!

KELSO : You know, Fez, sometimes, you do stuff that even weirds me out.

FEZ : If you're done making fun of my beauty regimen, what do you want?

KELSO : (hands him the baby) I need you to watch Betsy for a few hours.

FEZ : What? Kelso, I have a date tonight!

KELSO : (laughs) Sure, you do. Anyway, I'll be back by, like, eleven, but if the other bedroom's a-rockin', don't bother, um, bothering us.

FEZ : "Us"? Are you going out with Brooke again?

Betsy is trying to poke at Fez' mask, and he keeps dodging away.

KELSO : It's really getting serious with us, Fez. (to Betsy) Betsy, don't touch that. You don't know where that face has been.

FEZ : That's the third time this week! When will Fez get some time for the ladies?

KELSO : When I believe you've actually got a date.

FEZ : You met her this afternoon! You tried to hit on her!

KELSO : What's your point? (to Betsy) No, Betsy, don't touch.

FEZ : My point is that I have a date, and I can't watch the baby.

KELSO : Come on, Fez, please. Something's really happening with me and Brooke. It's not like before, what with the drunken bathroom sex and the child out of wedlock and stuff. (beat) I think I love her.

Betsy spits up at Kelso, messing up the front of his shirt.

KELSO : I do, too!

He runs off into his bedroom, tugging off his shirt.

FEZ : (laughing) Oh, that was a good one.

SCENE BUMPER

Evening, Formans' basement

Eric and Donna are on the couch, making out. Red comes down the stairs and shakes his head.

RED : For this you dump the teaching program and come all the way back from Africa? To hang out in my basement like a couple of mating hyenas on 'Wild Kingdom'?

Eric and Donna both jump and scramble into more "innocent" positions as he starts yelling. Eric stands, uneasily.

ERIC : (shrugs) Um, actually, yeah.

RED : Well, I hope whatever perverse and immoral things you two are doing is damn good.

Both Eric and Donna are mortified.

DONNA : (embarassed) Mr. Forman!

ERIC : (shocked) Dad! What--? What--?

RED : (stern) It better be, if it's worth running out on the one plan you ever made for your future, you nincompoop.

ERIC : Dad, no. No, I didn't run out. Everything's fine! I'm going to be a teacher!

RED : Are you high ALREADY? What in the hell are you talking about?

ERIC : The school, where I was teaching? Burned down.

Red narrows his eyes and concentrates, making Eric wither under the scrutiny.

RED : (points his finger) ERIC... I am going to put my foot so far up your ass that you'll be back in Africa by the time I finish kicking!

DONNA : (realizing) Mr. Forman, no-- I know what you're thinking, and Eric didn't have anything to do with it!

ERIC : Donna's right! It wasn't me, it, um... the school was struck by lightning.

RED : (not believing) Lightning?

ERIC : Um, yeah! You know, it was just attracted... by this big metal pole we put up... I wanted to use it to fly an American flag over the school, but the guy in charge? Wanted to use it to fly whatever country we were in's flag. (whispers to Red) I don't think he was totally non-Pinko, if you ask me.

RED : The school burned down, and they sent you home.

DONNA : And they gave him the scholarship he needs to go to school with me this semester!

Red crosses his arms.

RED : (satisfied) Not bad, kid. Not bad.

He goes upstairs. Eric collapses on the couch and Donna puts an arm around him.

DONNA : And there you go, everything's hunky dory now.

ERIC : And all I had to do was lie to my father's face.

DONNA : You're going to be such a great role model for the kids.

Eric nods.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, outside "Grooves"

Hyde, looking like he doesn't want to be there, walks up to the store, yawning and carrying a cup of coffee. Leo is sitting up against the door, sleeping.

HYDE : Leo. Leo! LEO!

LEO : (jolted awake) It isn't mine, man! I was just holding it for a friend! (shakes his head and looks around) Oh, Hyde, man... you wouldn't believe the dream I just had.

HYDE : Oh, really?

LEO : Yeah, I dreamed I was sleeping up against the door of your record store, and you woke me up.

HYDE : Amazing. Leo, what are you doing here?

LEO : I wanted to apologize, man.

HYDE : Uh-huh. Do you remember for what?

LEO : (laughs) Nope. But I know I needed to--

Leo rolls up his sleeve and shows some words written in big magic marker: BREAD MILK GRAS- The rest is covered by his sleeve.

LEO : Oops. That's my shopping list.

He rolls up his other sleeve. It says SAY SORRY TO HYDE

LEO : There we go. I'm sorry, man.

HYDE : (can't help but laugh) Well, you did at least think enough of it to write it down. So okay, man. We're cool.

He unlocks the door.

CUT TO

Daytime, inside "Grooves"

The place still looks great. Hyde puts his coffee down on the counter and tosses his keys next to it, surveying the store.

HYDE : Well, I guess it's back to a life of retail slavery. Yay me.

LEO : You've got a really nice place here, man. You run a record store, you got great friends, you're back together with Loud Girl--

HYDE : We are not back together!

LEO : (laughs) Whatever you say, sweetheart. Anyway, things are pretty cool, you know?

HYDE : Yeah, I guess you're right. (beat) You want a job, man?

LEO : I don't know, man, I've got a lot of things on my plate.

HYDE : Like hanging around and getting lit?

LEO : No, I've got a lot of things on my plate-- I think I left home before I finished breakfast. But now that you mention it, yeah.

HYDE : I wouldn't worry. I think the boss likes hanging out and getting lit, too.

LEO : He sounds like a great guy!

HYDE : (grins) I think so.

SCENE BUMPER

Night, Formans' basement

The Circle. Hyde smiles.

HYDE : So I had to let Leo have a job. But, W. B. is putting in a better security camera system, so whatever he misses, I'll know.

FEZ : But... if you'll have security cameras... I cannot go to the store to have private time when Kelso has Brooke over.

ERIC : Moron, he's already got security cameras.

KELSO : Yeah, Fez, what the heck are you doing there--

HYDE : (interrupts) Stop right there, man. You do not want him answering that question.

FEZ : No, you most likely do not.

ERIC : See, this? This is what I missed about home. Well, that and having sex with Donna. And pancakes.

KELSO : They don't have pancakes in Africa? Dude, how did you survive?

HYDE : Man, I don't understand why everybody thinks Jackie and me are back together.

FEZ : Whatever you say, sweetheart.

ERIC : Oh, wait, that reminds me-- I have presents! (reaches under his chair) Here, Kelso, for your daughter-- a genuine imitation plastic rhino horn!

KELSO : Cool, thanks! (takes the horn and puts it on his head) Look, I'm a rhino! A horny rhino!

HYDE : (to Eric, sarcastic) Yeah, Forman, I can tell why you'd put this (points at Kelso) higher on your list than having sex.

FEZ : If our issues of 'National Geographic' show topless African women, did the ones in Africa show topless American girls?

Donna enters the Circle, plopping down beside Eric.

DONNA : I should've known. Back for less than a day, and already getting toasted.

ERIC : You're just pissed because I didn't tell you before we started.

DONNA : Damn right.

KELSO : (still holding the horn up) Donna, I'm a horny hippo!

HYDE : Rhino, dumbass!

Jackie enters the Circle, trying to sit on Hyde's lap.

JACKIE : Oh, Steven, the world sucks!

Hyde jumps up, almost dumping her to the floor. We're suddenly out of the Circle.

HYDE : Jackie, what the hell?

JACKIE : Steven, I just had a horrible day looking for a new job, and I came here for a little support!

HYDE : If you want in the Circle, Jackie, just sit in the Circle.

JACKIE : You're supposed to be sympathetic here!

ERIC : Oh, why start now?

HYDE : (to Eric) Stay outta this, Forman! (to Jackie) We're not back together!

JACKIE : That's not my point!

HYDE : Then what is?

Red suddenly appears at the landing.

RED : (hollering) The point is that all you little idiots need to shut the hell up before I start kicking asses!

Everybody scrambles to their feet, Kelso hopping onto the table, trying to hide the stash and sitting on the incense.

RED : God, I thought I'd finally made some progress in kicking a few of you dumbasses out of my house! Now you're all here again, and I'm back to living in Grand Central Station! Keep it the hell down, got it?

General noises of assent: "yes", "yes, sir", etc. Red goes back upstairs.

ERIC : Yeah, I didn't miss that so much.

Kelso suddenly notices that he's sitting on lit incense, jumps up and starts running around, fanning his butt.

ERIC : But that I did.

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

Night, Formans' basement

Hyde and Jackie are on the couch at opposite ends, with Eric in the middle. All are looking tired and frustrated.

ERIC : Okay, you two have been at this all night. You've driven away most of our friends, and yet you won't leave!

HYDE : I live here!

JACKIE : I don't care, I'm not letting him win!

HYDE : What the hell are you talking about? This isn't about winning anything!

JACKIE : Do you not remember anything about dating me?

HYDE : I remember plenty, which is why we're fighting!

ERIC : (blows his top) ENOUGH! God! (he gets up) I haven't seen you two like this since you were trying to convince everyone you weren't fooling around! With this much fighting, you might as well be back together!

Eric storms off upstairs. Hyde and Jackie stare at each other for a long second. Then they attack each other and start making out heavy.

CUT TO CREDITS

THE END


	5. Give Me Strength

_Thanks to everyone who reviewed our last few episodes! More should be coming soon! In the meantime, enjoy the fifth episode of our version of Season Eight. All of the titles of the episodes are song titles, naturally. What will happen now that Eric's home? What the hell was up with that kiss between Hyde & Jackie from the last episode? Stay tuned! _

Night - Fez & Kelso's Apartment

Brooke and Kelso are making out on the couch. They pull away, smiling for a moment.

BROOKE : This is nice. Betsy's asleep, we're alone...

KELSO : You're here instead of Chicago.

BROOKE : We're alone...

KELSO : Fez isn't here.

BROOKE : Right. We're ALONE.

KELSO : Oh! Right. Alone.

They go back to making out, just as Fez walks into the apartment.

FEZ : Hey! Get a room, you two!

They pull apart and Brooke looks slightly embarrassed. Kelso just looks pissed.

KELSO : I live here!

FEZ : Yes, but I don't need to watch all of this!

KELSO : So leave!

FEZ: Fine!

KELSO : Fine!

FEZ : Fine!

Fez walks out and we CUT TO the Forman's Driveway

Eric and Donna are making out on the hood of the Vista Cruiser, just as Fez walks up.

FEZ : (annoyed) Why don't you just go do it in your bedroom like normal people?

Eric and Donna pull apart reluctantly.

ERIC : And you've been normal since...?

Fez storms off angrily, as Eric and Donna smirk, then go back to making out. We CUT TO the Basement.

Hyde and Jackie are all over each other on the couch, but as soon as they hear the footsteps of someone coming downstairs, they stop, pull apart, and fix their clothes. Fez sees them and joins them on the couch, sitting in between them as they watch TV.

FEZ : Finally! Time with my friends who are acting normal and NOT making out.

Jackie looks at Hyde silently, who gets the message.

HYDE : Yeah. Look, Fez, Jackie's gotta help me with some... business for the store.

JACKIE : "Private" business.

HYDE : But, uh, if you want, there's still a bunch of Forman's leftover "Playboys" upstairs.

Fez is oblivious to it all, but stands up, quite excited.

FEZ : Well, then, I will be busy for the next few hours!

Fez runs upstairs and as soon as he's gone, Hyde smirks at Jackie.

HYDE : This should be fun. Three... two... and...

Before we get to "one", we hear Red and Kitty yelling off-screen - "Oh my God!" "What are you doing?", "Get out of here, you pervert!" etc. Hyde laughs and shakes his head.

FEZ : (off-screen) Hyde you sonofabitch! I wanted porn!

HYDE : (yelling upstairs) And you got it!

He looks at Jackie. She looks at him. They don't say anything at all as they attack each other on the couch.

CUT TO CREDITS

ACT ONE

Daytime, Formans' kitchen

Eric is sitting at the kitchen table, papers in front of him. He's chewing on the end of a pen, deep in thought.

ERIC : (to himself) If I could be any plant, what would I be...? (laughs) Um, I bet they don't want to hear my real answer on that.

Kitty walks into the kitchen, humming to herself.

KITTY : Good morning, Eric! What'cha up to?

ERIC : Oh, hi, Mom. Um, just filling out my UW application. I'm at the essay section, and they've got some really weird questions on here.

KITTY : Is that so? I know I'd love to hear what your answer for "Explain how you can happily move out of your loving home and abandon your adoring mother"! (laughs)

ERIC : Mom...

KITTY : Oh, I'm just teasing, honey. I know that the college isn't far away at all, and you'll be back to visit every weekend.

ERIC : Sure, Mom.

KITTY : (deadpan) Every weekend.

ERIC : Yes, Mom.

KITTY : That's my boy. Now, remember, your father and I are going to have our 25th Anniversary next week. And there better be no lumber for presents, you hear me?

Kitty starts rummaging through the cupboard.

ERIC : Twenty-five years, Mom. How did you do it?

KITTY : Being married to your father and being yours and Laurie's mother is my greatest delight. (looks into the cupboard, frustrated) Now be a dear and find Mommy's Schnapps, sweetheart.

Eric gets up from the table.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Pinciottis' kitchen

Bob is sitting at the kitchen table, going through a number of papers and pamphlets. There are color booklets, on which we can see pictures of RVs. There's a knock at the door, and Bob answers. It's Red.

BOB : Oh, Red, good. Thanks for comin' by.

RED : (steps inside) This better be good, Bob.

BOB : What, I can't just invite my best friend over to chat?

Red just glares at him.

BOB : Yeah, that would be weird, wouldn't it? Okay, I actually asked you over to give me some expert automotive assistance.

RED : (lighting up) Well, now you're talking! What've you got for me, Bob?

Bob shows him to the table, where Red and he sit.

BOB : What do you know about RVs, Red?

RED : Huh? Uh, I know that they're big, ungainly and a really obnoxious way to show everybody how much money you can throw around.

BOB : (happily) Good, then we're on the same page.

He starts handing Red booklets.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, The Hub

Jackie and Donna are hanging out at the Hub. Donna is working on the same application packet as Eric was, while Jackie is reading a fashion magazine.

DONNA : (reading the application) "If you could be any animal, what would it be, and why?" What the hell kind of question is that?

JACKIE : (doesn't look up) Unicorn. Put "unicorn".

DONNA : Why would I want to be a unicorn, Jackie?

JACKIE : Do I have to give you the "beautiful, magical and perfect" speech again?

DONNA : Um, no.

Kelso bursts into the place, in police uniform, looking wildly excited.

KELSO : Jackie! Donna! Awesome!

He goes up to their table, but there's no chair. He turns to a high school kid at the next table.

KELSO : (using a "cop" voice) I'm sorry, son, I have to confiscate your chair.

Waiting only for the kid to rise a little, Kelso yanks the chair out from under him and sits at the girls' table.

JACKIE : Michael.

DONNA : Hey, Kelso.

Kelso just sits, grinning and tapping his fingers on the table.

DONNA : Kelso, what the hell are you smiling about?

JACKIE : God, Michael, you didn't come over here just to tell us that you just had sex, did you?

KELSO : Nu-uh. (giggles) It's way, way better than that. (beat) Okay, maybe not better. But almost.

DONNA : I'm kinda busy here, Kelso, so spit it out or so help me, I'm going to throw you in the deep-fryer.

KELSO : I have planned the mother of all burns.

JACKIE : Not another plan. Michael, you don't do plans. You're not smart enough.

KELSO : Usually, you're right. But this time, I've finally got it.

DONNA : Like the rocket-powered skateboard.

JACKIE : Or the world's slipperiest shoes.

DONNA : Or the underwear that--

KELSO : Okay, okay! So maybe I've come up with some bad ideas. This one isn't!

JACKIE : Fine, Michael, just tell us already.

KELSO : Oh, no... I'm not about to tell you two just so you can spill the beans to Hyde and Eric before I can burn 'em.

DONNA : You're going to burn Hyde and Eric? What the hell for?

KELSO : And Fez, too. Don't forget Fez. (beat) Why? Because!

Kelso gets up from the table.

KELSO : Just sit back and watch, ladies. It's time for some fireworks. (snaps) Crap, which reminds me, I have to pick up the fireworks. Later!

Kelso runs out, leaving the girls stunned.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, inside the El Camino

Hyde, Eric and Fez are driving through town, all of them looking annoyed.

ERIC : So what was it Kelso said again?

HYDE : He said that he got locked out of his cop car.

FEZ : So why does he need all of us to come?

HYDE : Because he said he also swallowed the key.

ERIC : (catching on) And he doesn't want to call other cops because...

HYDE : (nodding) Because he locked himself out of his cop car and swallowed the key.

They laugh until there's red and blue flashing lights approaching.

HYDE : Oh, crap. (he starts to pull the car over)

FEZ : I cannot go to jail. I am too small and adorable.

ERIC : Just calm down, okay? If we just tell this cop where we're going and what Kelso did, they'll be happy to let us go. Hell, they'll probably give us an escort.

The car stops. A moment later, there's a knock on the window. Hyde rolls down the window.

HYDE : Officer?

COP : I'm afraid you gentlemen are going to have to pay us a visit at the station. We'll be happy to accompany you there.

FEZ : (happily) Oh, Eric, you are right! They are going to escort us!

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, police station lockup

Eric, Hyde and Fez are in the cell

ERIC : Ah, yes. I forgot how much I loved spending time in this place.

HYDE : I am going to kill Kelso when I see him.

Kelso steps into the room. Hyde rushes the bars, reaching for Kelso.

HYDE : Kelso, you dillhole!

Kelso doubles over, laughing. He points at each of them in turn.

KELSO : Burn! Burn! And... burn!!

Another police officer enters. Kelso pats the other guy on the shoulder.

KELSO : Okay, Jimmy, time to let 'em out.

COP 2 : I don't think so, Kelso.

The cop opens the cell door, but throws Kelso in with them instead.

COP 2 : Remember your squad car?

KELSO : (confused) Yeah...?

COP 2 : Apparently not, since you left it abandoned in a parking lot. It was missing tires, all its gas, and the entire light bar. The Lieutenant is probably coming down right now to take your badge.

The cop leaves, and the guys surround Kelso.

ERIC, HYDE, FEZ : (together) BURN!!!

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Daytime, police station lockup

Kelso is sitting in a corner of the cell, pouting. The other guys are as far from him as possible. Jackie and Donna come into the room. Eric runs up to the bars and he and Donna kiss through them.

ERIC : Oh, Donna, thank God! I think Hyde was planning on selling me for cigarettes.

DONNA : Aww, honey... we discussed this. The plan was that if you ever ended up in stir, you'd make yourself the bitch of the toughest guy you could find.

Hyde steps up to the bars, but just that far. Jackie reaches through and takes his hands.

JACKIE : Steven, I--

They look around at everybody guiltily.

FEZ : Oh, just kiss already!

HYDE : What? We're not--

KELSO : Of course you're back together! Damn, Hyde, and you call me the stupid one!

HYDE : You are the stupid one!

DONNA : Not this time around.

JACKIE : What are you guys talking about?

ERIC : Like I said, you're snapping at each other, you argue over the stupidest little things, you get on each other's nerves constantly. The only thing you're not doing that you were when you were together is making out all the time!

Hyde and Jackie look guilty again.

FEZ : I knew it! Yes, they are!

JACKIE : You guys don't know what you're talking about.

DONNA : You had a fight. Okay, a big fight. Hyde took off, then came back. He got rid of Skank-zilla, and now you two are right where you left off.

HYDE : Look, if you guys are even a little right-- and I'm not saying you are-- then Jackie and I would have a lot of crap to talk about, and we can't do it in a jail cell, so it's not gonna happen!

COP 2 : (offscreen) Okay boys... you're free to go!

HYDE : (stunned by the timing) Wow.

Two cops come into the room, pushing three rough-looking criminals into the adjacent cell. They glower and growl, and everyone moves away. The cops then open up the gang's cell.

COP 2 : Okay, get the heck out of here and go home.

The guys all get up and start to leave. Kelso is the last out, following the others.

COP 2 : Not so fast, (stresses the 'officer') Officer Kelso. (stops him) You need to go talk to the Lieutenant.

KELSO : No problem. I'm sure my friends will wait for me. Right, guys?

The shot widens to show the others have already taken off.

KELSO : Guys?

SCENE BUMPER

Bob and Red are still at the table, looking through brochures. Bob looks over a notepad with a lot of scribbled notes on it and nods.

BOB : So that's your expert opinion?

RED : I'm not much of one for the things, usually, but I have to admit that some of these are pretty swell. (he taps the notepad) That's the one I'd get.

BOB : Now that's exactly what I'd want to hear.

Red leans back and looks at Bob.

RED : So what the hell is all this really about, Bob?

BOB : I can't ask a friend for advice on a car?

RED : Bob, if I were looking at brochures for new Lincolns or Cadillacs or even Corvettes, I wouldn't question at all. But an RV?

Bob chuckles to himself.

BOB : You got me, Red. Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...

RED : Aww, Bob?

BOB : I know, I know. Anywhich, I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself. I've done just about all I ever could with Bargain Bob's and here in this town. Especially with Donna headed to college after the New Year, who knows what I'll feel like doing with myself?

RED : Bob...

BOB : Not that. I just wasn't sure how to spend my time. So, I'm looking.

RED : (nods) Okay. Okay, I get that. Hell, Eric's going with her. Kitty and I might just need to start thinking about things, too.

BOB : Sounds like a plan. And I'll be happy to give you my expert opinion on anything.

RED : I don't think so, Bob.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Formans' basement

Eric, Donna, Hyde, Jackie and Fez come in through the door.

ERIC : Um, I think some people need a little alone time to talk... and some just need some alone time.

DONNA : Let's go upstairs, jailbird.

They head up the stairs. Hyde sits in his chair, Jackie on the couch. Fez sits in his chair. Hyde and Jackie stare at him.

FEZ : Wait, I know that look. That is the "third wheel" look.

HYDE : Yes. And for once, pay attention to it.

FEZ : Fine, fine, fine. (he gets up) But there better be good solid makeout action when I get back.

Fez leaves through the door.

HYDE : So.

JACKIE : So...?

HYDE : So what now?

JACKIE : Well, we've pretty much just been going straight to the making out.

HYDE : Yeah. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but... I think we should talk.

JACKIE : About us.

HYDE : That would be the subject at hand, yeah, more than that car that runs on water.

They're both quiet for a moment.

JACKIE : Steven, I really only have two questions to ask you.

HYDE : That makes things a little simpler. Okay, question one.

JACKIE : (takes a deep breath) You came to Chicago after me. Were you coming to propose to me?

Hyde squirms.

HYDE : Yeah, I was.

Jackie starts bouncing in her seat.

JACKIE : (excitedly) Are you still going to propose to me?

HYDE : (reluctantly) I'm not gonna lie to you, Jackie. I don't know for sure.

JACKIE : (disappointed, but not defeated) Not the answer I wanted, but not "no".

HYDE : No, not "no".

JACKIE : Okay. Right, second question--

HYDE : Wait, wait, wait-- you already asked two questions!

JACKIE : I didn't know I was going to ask that other question until you answered the first one!

HYDE : So?

JACKIE : That wasn't the second question I meant!

HYDE : Still counts.

Jackie pouts.

HYDE : Fine, since I bet I know what the second question was, I'll ask it. Do you want us to be back together?

JACKIE : Yes, Steven. Yes, I do.

HYDE : Works for me.

Hyde gets up and kisses Jackie. A loud chorus sounds from the stairs.

ERIC, DONNA & FEZ : OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!!!

Eric, Donna & Fez come downstairs. There is hugging and clapping on shoulders, etc. Suddenly, Kelso bursts into the basement, still in uniform.

HYDE : Holy crap, Kelso! They didn't fire you?!

KELSO : Sit down, guys, have I got a story for you.

The gang sits down while Kelso paces, hyper.

KELSO : So the whole big burn I was doing? Basically, I told the other guys on the force to watch for a black El Camino, stop the three guys in it and haul them to the station and toss 'em in the cell.

ERIC : Yeah, Kelso, we kinda guessed that part from inside the cell!

KELSO : Anyway, since I wasn't sure where you guys were gonna be, I knew I'd have to call here, or The Hub or wherever... and I also told a bunch of the other cops.

JACKIE : Michael, get on with it!!

KELSO : Well, another set of cops pulled over another black El Camino with another three guys in it.

FEZ : Just spit it out, damn you!!!

KELSO : Those three guys were all on the state of Wisconsin's Most Wanted list! My plan resulted in the biggest arrest in Point Place history!

DONNA : Oh my God, Kelso, so they let you keep your job?

KELSO : Nope. (grins)

HYDE : Then why the hell are you so happy?

KELSO : I GOT PROMOTED TO SERGEANT!!!

ALL : (together) WHAT?!

KELSO : I know! After my awesome plan, the Lieutenant said my talents were wasted on the street. Now I get to sit in the station, away from the action where I can just eat donuts and yell at other cops! (laughs) Is that unbelievable or what?

He drops down onto the couch, then sees Hyde and Jackie standing close together.

KELSO : So did you guys finally admit you're back together, or what?

CUT TO COMMERCIAL

END ACT TWO

TAG

Daytime, Formans' kitchen

Donna and Eric are at the table, working on their applications. Eric slaps down his pen and raises his hands in triumph.

ERIC : Yes! Done! Finally!

DONNA : Seriously?

ERIC : I said it.

DONNA : Uh-huh. So what kind of plant were you going to be, then?

ERIC : Hemp. Turns out that actually listening to Hyde's rants pays off sometimes. Did you ever find anything better than unicorn?

DONNA : Yeah. Lion. Because the women do all the work while the men get all the attention.

ERIC : Works for me. Especially if it means I get to hear you purr.

DONNA : Weirdo.

ERIC : I know. But you love me.

DONNA : God help me.

END TAG


	6. The Name of the Game

_Thank you to everyone who reviewed, especially "gah-linda" (have you read her stuff? If not go read her fics right now!) When last we left everyone, Eric & Donna were sending in their applications to start UW in the second semester after New Year's, Kitty mentioned something about their 25th anniversary coming up, and Jackie was looking for a job for some reason..._

**The Name of the Game**

Daytime - Formans' Kitchen

Red, Hyde, and Eric are sitting at the kitchen table, not eating anything because there are no plates. Kitty runs into the kitchen, tosses some plates onto the table, then runs back out the living room door without saying anything.

ERIC : What's up with Mom?

RED : (reading his newspaper, not looking up) This is your fault, son.

HYDE : Knew it. Forman, you owe me ten bucks.

ERIC : Wait. We're not eating breakfast and this is my fault? How is this my fault? This is NOT my fault!

Kitty runs through the door again, and quickly grabs some half-burned pancakes off the griddle, hurriedly passes them out to the three men, then rushes out the living room door again.

HYDE : (looking at the burned pancake) I'm not touching that.

RED : Eat it or die, Steven.

Hyde sighs and begins picking at his pancake, while Eric still looks confused. Bob walks in through the kitchen door.

BOB : Thought I smelled some pancakes cooking and figured I'd head over here for a bite or two...

Hyde holds up one extremely-burned pancake to Bob.

BOB : Or not.

ERIC : Will someone PLEASE tell me why this is my fault?

Kitty comes rushing back into the kitchen and pours coffee for everyone, including Bob, who also gets handed a plate of burned pancakes. She rushes back through the living room door.

RED : Bob, when did Donna get her college acceptance letter?

BOB : Three days ago. (starts eating the pancakes anyway) Why?

Hyde and Red stare in silence at Eric.

ERIC : What? No! I... no! I filled out my application! I went to Africa! The, the mailman! He's got to be... (makes weird "crazy" gestures)

HYDE : (trying to interpret) Tall? Dizzy? High on some p...?

RED : (interrupts quickly) All right, all right, that's enough, Steven. You? Eat. And you? (looks at Eric) Make up some story for your mother so she can stop checking the damn mailbox every five minutes. Got it?

Kitty comes back in and grabs some eggs from the fridge, but Eric stands and puts a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

ERIC : Mom, it's okay. We're, uh... not hungry.

BOB : Yes we are!

Hyde, Red, and Eric all look at Bob.

ERIC : You know, I sent my letters to a different section of the school. It'll be awhile before I hear anything.

KITTY : Oh, sweetheart. I'm not concerned. Do I look concerned? I'm just excited! My little baby boy is growing up so fast and he's going to leave me all alone in this miserable dump of a house so NO, ERIC, NO I AM NOT CONCERNED! NOT CONCERNED AT ALL. (laughs nervously) Now you sit your cute little butt down there, mister, and eat while we all wait for the mailman to come.

ERIC : But Mom...

KITTY : I SAID EAT!

Eric and Bob both sit quickly, and eat their burned food while Kitty rushes back out once more. Red stares at Eric who just sighs.

ERIC : (defeated) Yup. My fault.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

ACT ONE

Daytime - The Basement

Hyde is in his chair, watching TV. Eric is on the couch, flipping through some papers.

ERIC : I swear, I sent my application!

HYDE : Forman, calm down. You'll get accepted, you and Donna can leave this crappy town, and I'll take your room. Everything will be fine.

ERIC : (looks up) Wait. Why are you taking my room? Why aren't you just taking Laurie's room?

HYDE : No amount of peroxide can clean the stench of "whore" from that place.

Eric nods but isn't all that reassured as Jackie enters from the basement door. She walks over to Hyde and sits on the end of the couch, pouting, as he doesn't look at her.

HYDE : No.

JACKIE : But you don't even know what I was going to ask!

HYDE : The answer's still no.

JACKIE : But Steven...

HYDE : Jackie, do you understand the word "no"? (beat as he realizes what her answer will be) Never mind. Fine, what is it?

JACKIE : I need a job.

HYDE : No.

JACKIE : You gave one to Leo!

HYDE : And that's all I can afford right now, Jackie!

ERIC : Why do you need a job? (beat) Not that I care about you.

JACKIE : I... (looks at them both) Nothing. I don't. I was trying to be nice and help out Steven.

ERIC : Riiiiiiiiiight.

Jackie goes back to sulking as Fez and Kelso enter from the basement door, mid-argument.

KELSO : I'm telling you, rocket skates are the way to go!

FEZ : But not in our apartment, you sonofabitch!

They sit down with the others, and Jackie pushes Eric out of her way to sit next to Kelso.

JACKIE : (fake smile) Oh, Michael...

KELSO : No.

Jackie looks horrified as Hyde laughs, but as soon as she shoots him a glare, he stops. She turns back to look at Kelso and slaps his arm.

KELSO : Look, Jackie, I'm not getting messed up in whatever is going on with you and Hyde anymore. So, whatever it is, just... (beat) Okay, Hyde said he'd frog me if I helped you with anything, and I need to be in super-good shape with my new job!

JACKIE : (pouting) Then who can I ask to help me find a job?

FEZ : (gets an idea) Jackie...

JACKIE : Shut up, Fez, I'm thinking. Maybe Donna could ask at the radio station...

FEZ : But I really, really think that...

JACKIE : Fez! My life is shattered at the moment!

FEZ : Oh, fine then. I suppose working at the salon with me isn't good enough for you. (gets up angrily) Now, I said good day...

JACKIE : (finally realizing) Oh, but Fez...!

FEZ : I said... aww, screw it. (leaves through the basement door)

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Formans' kitchen

Kitty is at the range, vigorously whisking something in a pot. She keeps craning her neck to peek out through the sliding doors. Red is at the table, reading the newspaper.

RED : (not looking up) Kitty, unless you dug up the post and moved it, the mailbox is on the other side of the house.

KITTY : I know that. But the mailman has to walk past the driveway to get there. (beat) Red, do you think you could--

RED : No.

KITTY : But it's been--

RED : Ninety seconds since I got back from checking.

KITTY : Red, you know that the new mailman is a lot younger than you-- young and fast. He could--

RED : I'm not getting up.

KITTY : But I can't stop this, or else we'll be eating the creamiest, sweetest scrambled eggs ever for dessert tonight.

RED : Then I suppose we'll just have to wait.

Kitty grumbles but stays put. Suddenly, Red reads something that makes him crush the newspaper.

RED : Son of a bitch!

KITTY : It's here!

Kitty drops what she's doing and rushes to the sliding doors, almost running right into them.

RED : Not that, Kitty. Look!

Red shows her the paper.

RED : They're opening a Muffler Master shop in town.

KITTY : Well, that's no problem, Red. A little healthy competition is good for business.

RED : They're opening it a hundred feet away from my shop, and the prices they're advertising are almost half of what I charge!

KITTY : (sadly) Oh. (laughs) Wait, I have an idea! You should have a sale! Show this town what Forman & Son can give them that Muffler Masters never could!

RED : A swift kick in the ass for patronizing a lousy chain?

KITTY : No, silly! Service with a smile and my famous muffins! Muffler Muffins! (laughs)

RED : Fine. I'm going to the shop.

Red gets up and storms out of the kitchen while Kitty remembers her pot. She stares into it, disappointed. She tastes it and gags.

KITTY : Oh, dear. Well, what the heck am I going to do with this? (snaps her fingers) The Kelso boy!

Kitty grabs the pot in a potholder and turns toward the basement stairs.

KITTY : Oh, Michael...

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, "Fresh Hair" hair salon

The place is pink and purple and gaudy. Jackie enters, followed by Fez. The other stylists (all female) wave and laugh happily, greeting him. They're all clearly excited to see him. Jackie is taken aback.

JACKIE : Well, you seem popular.

FEZ : Yes. It seems that they cannot get enough of my fabulous lifestyle.

JACKIE : What lifestyle? Your candy obsession, or your addiction to playing with--

Fez clamps a hand over her mouth, laughing nervously.

FEZ : Perhaps I should introduce you around?

Jackie yanks the hand off her face and wipes at her mouth.

JACKIE : You'd better have washed that.

A cute girl their age, Hilary, steps out of the back room, carrying a box. She waves at Fez.

HILARY : Hi, Fez.

FEZ : (faking a yawn) Oh, hello, Hilary. Excuse me, I am very tired.

HILARY : What's wrong, Fez, late night?

FEZ : Yes. I went to a disco in Chicago again. I danced with a gorgeous white girl... and then a luscious black girl... and took them home and made a hot fudge sundae. (beat) And then we had sex.

Hilary giggles and swats playfully at Fez' arm.

HILARY : Oh my God, Fez, you're so bad!

Hilary walks away. Fez turns to find Jackie bewildered.

JACKIE : Fez, you spent last night in the basement with the guys, trying to see which one of you could hold your breath the longest. You passed out right after Michael.

FEZ : I know this. But these people do not know that Fez. Here at the salon, I am Work Fez. And Work Fez lives a wonderful life.

JACKIE : So you lie to them to make them like you more. (beat) I can respect that. Enough about you. Where's the first person who gets the benefit of my wisdom as Hair Consultant?

Now excited, she spies a woman getting a perm.

JACKIE : (to woman) Oh, ma'am, lose the perm. You look like a damp poodle.

Fez pulls her away.

FEZ : Jackie, I hate to break this to you. (beat) No, I don't. You're not the Hair Consultant.

He reaches behind a counter and produces a broom and a dustpan.

FEZ : You are the new Hair Sweeper.

JACKIE : (put out) Oh, hell no. I do not sweep hair. That is a job for the ugly foreign girl.

FEZ : It was. Now the ugly foreign girl is your supervisor. Sweep.

Jackie takes the broom and pan and stomps away.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Pinciottis' kitchen

Bob is at the table, eating a sandwich while Donna reads a book.

BOB : So kitten, when do we go back-to-school shopping?

DONNA : I don't know, Dad. But I'm sure I'll need to pick up plenty of "lady things" that make you uncomfortable.

BOB : Very funny. I'm serious here.

DONNA : I think I'm okay with most stuff, Dad. And I won't know what books to get until I register.

There's a knock on the door. Bob stands to get it. Eric, looking nervous, is on the other side.

BOB : Hey, Africa-man! How'd you manage to spend so much time over there and not get tanned?

ERIC : Spent most of my time indoors, teaching the kids the way of the Force.

Bob turns to Donna and rolls his eyes. Donna laughs as Eric comes in.

BOB : Well, I'll leave you two kids alone. Eric, just make sure you don't knock her up-- I ain't putting off Donna's college again and have to pay admission fees a third time, get me?

ERIC : Yes, sir.

Bob leaves and Eric sits in his chair.

ERIC : Donna, your acceptace letter didn't use the words "early"... or "advance"... or "we're starting from the middle of the alphabet", did it?

DONNA : No. And just calm down, Eric. It'll get here when you least expect it.

ERIC : I know. I just can't wait to get my life started. Our life started.

DONNA : Me either. But it'll happen.

They both nod and sit quietly. The glasses on the table start to vibrate. They both look under the table, where Eric's foot is tapping rapidly against the foot of the table, shaking it.

DONNA : Eric, cut it out!

Eric grabs his leg and holds it down. The shaking stops.

ERIC : Sorry. When I'm anxious, everything seems to go faster.

DONNA : (sighs sadly) I know.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Forman & Son muffler shop

Red is standing behind the counter, looking sour. Kitty is holding a tray of muffins, chatting with a customer while one or two others mill around the store. Kitty hands a muffin to the customer, who promptly leaves. She goes back to Red.

RED : This is ridiculous. I do good work for a fair price, and I use quality parts. I shouldn't have to do this.

KITTY : (patting his shoulder) You keep telling yourself that, dear, and I'll see if there's anything left in the kids' college fund.

RED : Very funny.

KITTY : Well, why don't you take these and go talk to that man over there? Show him that Forman & Son service with a smile. (beat) And if that doesn't work, tell them you have a wooden leg. There's an orderly at the hospital who has a wooden leg, and he gets anything he wants.

Grousing, Red takes the tray and walks up to the male customer.

RED : Muffin? You know, here at Forman & Son, we only install manufacturer-approved replacement parts.

CUSTOMER : (munching) Is that so?

RED : (smiles thinly) That's right.

Red glances back at Kitty, who gives him an encouraging thumbs-up.

RED : Um, anyway... I'd just like to thank you for giving Forman & Son your business. I know Muffler Master's prices are half of ours, but it's good to know that there are still people who support small business and know the value of good work.

CUSTOMER : There's a Muffler Master in town now? What the hell am I doing here?

The customer puts the muffin back on the tray and leaves.

RED : Wait! We're having a sale! (beat) I have a wooden leg!

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE BUMPER

Night - Formans' Living Room

Kitty is dressed up, finishing with a touch of lipstick. Eric has, by now, gotten more nervous and is using the clicker to go through channels at a rapid pace.

KITTY : Now, Eric. Just remember. Your father and I will be out all night for our anniversary dinner so I don't want any trouble for when we get home.

ERIC : Trouble? What trouble? There's no trouble.

KITTY : Eric...

ERIC : (finally looks at Kitty) Oh. Wow, Mom. You look great. (beat) Wait, you never wear those old earrings Grandma bought you unless something's wrong.

KITTY : What? (laughs nervously) There's nothing wrong! There's... (beat) Okay, then, you just.. you just go back to watching your T.V.

Red comes downstairs, also dressed up. He's clearly in a bad mood.

RED : Well, come on then. Time to celebrate another year down the toilet.

He exits through the front door as Kitty laughs.

KITTY : He's just so romantic! (She laughs all the way out the door)

SCENE BUMPER

THE CIRCLE

ERIC : The weirdest thing is that Red hasn't been on my case about my college application at all. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's going to drop. It ALWAYS drops.

HYDE : Forman, that's because Red hates you. Once you learn to live with that, everything else will fall into place. (beat) Including the shoe.

KELSO : Yeah! (laughs) Like today at work? This guy came in and--

FEZ : Oh, shut up. None of you have any idea what it is like having to work with Jackie all day!

KELSO : Dude, I was talkin'!

FEZ : And now you are not.

HYDE : (to Fez) And THAT'S what it's like working with Jackie all day. (to Eric) Man, you gotta stop acting like this. You're going to freak out Donna with your paranoia. And that's MY job!

ERIC : No, you're right, you're right. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

KELSO : The Russian death rays could go off!

ERIC : (beat) Right...

FEZ : No, you idiots! The worst is that Jackie could talk and talk and talk and never once do her job! (beat) Why does she even want a job? She is American, rich, and a beautiful woman. (a hand comes into the frame and frogs Fez) Ow!

HYDE : Sorry. Habit.

KELSO : No, Fez has got a point! She's living with her mom so it's not like she needs a job like we all do for rent or dates or Playboys...

ERIC : Could we... just, maybe, talk about a REAL problem?

HYDE : Like what? How you and Donna haven't done it yet since you got back?

FEZ : Oh, Eric. THAT is a problem.

KELSO : (shocked open-mouthed expression) Even me and Brooke have done it lots!

Eric says nothing, but the table begins to shake a lot as it did before at Donna's house. We cut from Eric to Hyde to Fez to Kelso who all say nothing, then back to Eric as the table finally stops shaking. His head lowers until it hits the table with a BANG, repeatedly.

SCENE BUMPER

Night - Pinciotti's Kitchen

Donna is at the dining room table eating some ice cream, clearly bored. There's no knock at the door as it opens and Jackie enters, flustered.

JACKIE : I thought my life was over before, but I was wrong. It's over NOW!

DONNA : And hi to you, too, Jackie. (beat) What are you doing here? It's late. Shouldn't you be home by now?

Jackie sits with Donna and they begin to share the ice cream back and forth through the scene.

JACKIE : I just got off work! Donna, it's terrible. It's like working at the Cheese Hut, except instead of smelly old cheese, I have to deal with smelly old ladies all day!

DONNA : So, why don't you quit? You don't need the money.

JACKIE : But Donna, I... (thinks about telling her, then changes the subject) Why are you eating ice cream? Ice cream is for girls who are depressed.

DONNA : You're eating it, too.

JACKIE : I swept hair for five hours!

DONNA : Point taken. (sighs) I just... it's Eric. I can't talk to my dad about it. I can't talk to Mrs. Forman about it...

JACKIE : (excited) Oh my God, Donna. You're PREGNANT!

DONNA : (horrified) WHAT? No!

JACKIE : Oh, okay. What is it, then?

DONNA : It's... it's sort of the opposite of that. (Jackie says nothing) You know, when there's nothing going on? (Jackie says nothing) See, since he came home, we just... haven't...

JACKIE : Oh God, Donna, if it's about you and Eric not doing it, just say so!

DONNA : (blushing) How...?

JACKIE : We all pretty much figured it out by now. He's nervous, Donna! He hasn't seen you in months and probably thinks he's forgotten all the crap you guys have done and he'll be lame in bed.

DONNA : What if... what if I'm nervous, too?

JACKIE : (laughing) It's Eric! Why would you be nervous?

DONNA : Never mind, Jackie. I thought I could talk about this, but...

JACKIE : (stopping her) No, wait. You're right, Donna. You and I have both been through some traumatizing times lately. If only there was some way to make it all better for us both...

DISSOLVE TO FANTASY

We're inside "Fresh Hair", which is empty except for Fez, Donna, and Jackie. Fez is dressed like "Chino", Donna is dressed like "Anita", and Jackie is dressed like "Maria" from "West Side Story". The three of them are all dancing around the salon to music very much in the style of the film. Hyde, Eric, and Kelso enter the salon dressed like "The Jets". Jackie dances over to Hyde and kisses him, followed by Donna who dances over to Eric. Just before they can kiss, Kelso pulls out a knife and stabs Eric, who dies with the music still playing in the background. Hyde turns around and stabs Kelso in return, who also dies. Donna sobs quietly until Fez dances over to Hyde and shoots him. Hyde dies in Jackie's arms as they kiss again, then she stands and grabs the gun from Fez and shoots him.

JACKIE : How many bullets are left? Enough for you? (she shoots Fez again) And you? (she shoots him again) And you? (she shoots him again until he finally dies)

Donna is still crying over Eric's body, but Jackie smiles and dances her way out of the salon as we...

DISSOLVE BACK

Jackie is humming the music and smiling, but Donna looks confused.

DONNA : Jackie, what the hell? That's not what happened in "West Side Story".

JACKIE : (sighs sadly) Yeah, I know. I just REALLY wanted to kill Fez.

SCENE BUMPER

Evening, The Vineyard restaurant

Red and Kitty are seated at a table. Red is perusing the menu, and Kitty is nervously tapping her fingers on the table.

RED : Kitty.

KITTY : Do you think the college will accept a batch of muffins as a bribe?

RED : Kitty...

KITTY : Okay, okay.

She starts to calm down, but now Red is looking around the room, irritated.

RED : Damn it, where's that waiter?

KITTY : Honey, he said he would be back with our drinks.

RED : That was... (checks his watch) Two damn minutes ago! I just want to get my damn scotch, eat my damn steak, and pay the damn bill.

KITTY : Are you going to spend a few seconds paying attention to your damn wife, too, or are you still too damn grumpy?

RED : Kitty, I think I have every right to be unhappy with the situation.

KITTY : You're absolutely right. But you also have the right to be happy tonight, or at least not angry, seeing as how it's our anniversary. Plus, if you don't settle down right now, you won't get your damn present.

RED : (confused) But I'm wearing the tie you gave me.

KITTY : Not that damn present.

RED : What? (it clicks) Oh. (surprised) Oh.

Red tries to settle down and stops looking around.

RED : You're right, this is our night, and we shouldn't have to worry about anything for tonight.

KITTY : That's the spirit.

They sit in silence for a few moments. Red's jaw gets tighter and tighter. The waiter arrives with their drinks.

RED : Where the hell did you have to go for this, Scotland?

KITTY : (to the waiter) Oh, don't you mind him, he's just teasing! (laughs as the waiter walks away, then to Red) Keep that up, and they'll be spitting in the food.

RED : Kitty, I just don't want to lose the shop. I all but built that place with my bare hands.

KITTY : Then go fight for it! The Red Forman I know would storm this hill like, like Iwo Jima.

RED : (nods) You're right, honey. That's just what I'll do.

Red almost starts to stand, but Kitty stops him.

KITTY : Oh no, you don't. Eat your damn steak so I can get my damn present, too.

RED : (confused) What? (it dawns) Oh. (excited) Oh. (he settles into his chair, smirking)

SCENE BUMPER

Evening, "Fresh Hair" salon

Fez, Jackie and Hilary are locking up for the night.

JACKIE : (following a customer the door) Oh my God, I can't believe that last woman. She can't actually think that Farrah looks good on her. She looks like the Flying Nun!

FEZ : Jackie, close the door!

Jackie notices that the woman is staring at her from the other side of the still-open door.

JACKIE : (to the woman) We're closed! Go! Fly away!

She shuts the door.

HILARY : (to Fez) So, Fez, what exciting plans do you have tonight?

FEZ : I'm not sure. I might hit the disco and dance the night away with a couple of models from Paris... or skip work for a couple of days and go to Chicago for a party with famous people...

JACKIE : Or you might put on your pajamas and watch "art" movies all night.

There's a knock at the door. Fez pushes Jackie toward it.

FEZ : Oh, how very funny. Look, Jackie, there is someone at the door. You're good at making people go away.

Jackie opens the door, ready to blow the person off, but an attractive older woman is standing outside. Jackie gasps.

JACKIE : Oh my God! You're Christine St. George!

CHRISTINE : Yes, I am. And I'm betting that means you're going to let me in, even though your sign says you're closed.

JACKIE : Of course I am! Oh my God, I love you on "Good Morning Wisconsin"!

CHRISTINE : (stepping inside) Of course you do.

FEZ : I'm sorry, Ms. St. George, but the salon is closed. All the stylists are gone.

JACKIE : Shut up, Fez. Whatever Ms. St. George wants, she gets, understood?

FEZ : Jackie, you are the hair sweeper. The junior hair sweeper. You can't make that decision.

Jackie looks from him to Hilary, angry.

JACKIE : (to Hilary) Fez doesn't go to discos, or clubs, or bars, or parties when he leaves here. He goes home to the apartment he shares and locks himself in his room with porn. He's never been to Chicago, he's never met a model, and he's not a prince from some oil-rich country.

HILARY : (to Fez) Is this true?

FEZ : (lamely) Well... the porn thing is a little exaggerated.

Christine St. George taps Jackie on the shoulder.

CHRISTINE : Excuse me, young lady, but did you just completely sell out your friend because he wanted to turn me away?

JACKIE : Um, yeah.

CHRISTINE : Come down to the station tomorrow. I need a personal assistant. Your first assignment is to get me a hair appointment here tomorrow afternoon.

Christine leaves. Jackie jumps for joy.

JACKIE : So long, losers! Jackie Burkhart is gonna be in show business!

Jackie grabs her purse and runs out the door. Fez turns to Hilary.

FEZ : So, I suppose that pretty much ruined my chances, huh?

HILARY : Nope. Now that I know you're not so cool, I'm not intimidated anymore.

FEZ : Oh! Would you like to get something to eat?

HILARY : Sure! Just, uh, if we're going to go out? Ease up on the porn?

FEZ : I'll do what I can, baby.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Formans' living room

Kitty is fixing herself a drink at the bar, singing to herself. Red comes in through the kitchen, fuming.

RED : Fix me a drink.

KITTY : (nervously) Oh, God... did you just kill someone?

RED : I could have. I went down to Muffler Master and gave them a piece of my mind. I told them they couldn't screw over the small business owner any more!

KITTY : And...?

RED : And then they offered to buy the shop.

KITTY : And you turned them down.

RED : (proud) You're damn right I did. And then they offered me more money.

KITTY : And you turned them down.

RED : (prouder) You're damn right I did. And then they offered me even more money.

KITTY : And you turned them down.

RED : (suddenly calm) Actually, that time I said, "yes".

Red pulls a slip of paper from his back pocket and hands it to her.

KITTY : (shocked) Oh, my God... Red...

RED : Yeah, not too bad, huh?

KITTY : Oh, Red... Oh, Red, you deserve another damn present! (laughs) What are we going to do with it?

RED : I don't know, honey. But it'll be damn fun finding out! (the both laugh)

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

END ACT TWO

TAG

Daytime, Eric's bedroom

Eric and Donna are sitting on the bed, talking.

ERIC : ... then the guy at the admissions office said that they sent my letter, and I should get it by today.

DONNA : And they won't tell you whether you were accepted or not?

The door opens and Red leans in.

RED : Letter for you. University of Wisconsin.

Red throws the letter into the room. Eric jumps, but the letter slides under his bed. Eric yelps, and dives after it, ending up sticking halfway out.

ERIC : Aww, crap.

DONNA : What, you didn't get accepted?

ERIC : No. I'm stuck. (sound of paper tearing) But I got accepted!

His feet flail happily.

CUT TO CREDITS

THE END

* * *

_Next episode - It's time for back-to-school shopping! Don't forget to review us, or else you'll never find out what happens with certain couples! Yes, that's right, we're holding Eric/Donna, Jackie/Hyde, Kelso/Brooke, & Kitty/Red hostage:)_


	7. I Only Have Eyes For You

_Thanks again to everyone who reviewed us! Please take the time to let us know how we're doing. We have over 2,700 hits but hardly any reviews! Anonymous ones are accepted! Quick recap : When last we left our gang, Jackie just found a much better job than sweeping hair, Fez began dating (really!), Red sold his shop, and Eric was finally accepted into UW! What now?_

**I Only Have Eyes For You**

Evening - "Grooves"

Hyde and Leo are just closing up the store as Jackie runs in with a big grin on her face.

JACKIE : Steven! Steven! I had my first day of work as Christine St. George's personal assistant!

Hyde flips the sign on the front so it reads "CLOSED", then kisses Jackie.

HYDE : That's great. I'm assuming by the way you're trying not to jump up and down that it went well.

LEO : Hey! It's Loud Girl! You love--

HYDE : (interrupting) Yeah, yeah. (sits down at the listening pit, to Jackie) So?

Jackie walks over and sits on his lap, even more excited after overhearing Leo.

JACKIE : Well, I didn't get to personally do anything for her today. It was a lot of filling out forms and stuff. Telling them how wonderful I'm going to be at the show. That sort of thing. Tomorrow is my real first day.

Leo is staring at the cash register but not doing anything. Jackie points it out to Hyde.

HYDE : Leo, man, what are you doing?

LEO : I think I forgot something, man.

Jackie and Hyde look at each other dubiously.

HYDE : What? You didn't lock up the register?

LEO : No. I think I forgot to eat dinner, man.

Hyde just shakes his head.

JACKIE : Oh, Brooke's coming out tomorrow.

HYDE : Why do I care about Brooke?

JACKIE : Because she's bringing Betsy to the Forman's place instead of leaving her with Fez. I don't think Michael trusts him to babysit anymore.

HYDE : And you're telling me this so...?

JACKIE : So you can leave before YOU get stuck with changing diapers.

Hyde nods and kisses her.

HYDE : Well, that calls for some form of "thank you".

JACKIE : (beaming) I accept all forms of jewelry.

Hyde just looks at Jackie and she rolls her eyes.

JACKIE : Fine, fine. But this time? I want you to use chocolate ice cream, not vanilla.

HYDE : Not vanilla? (smirks) Not a problem.

LEO : Can I have some, man? I'm starved!

Hyde is cracking up by now, but Jackie is embarrassed. She smacks his arm and he stops laughing as we

CUT TO CREDITS

Daytime - Pinciotti's Kitchen

Donna is eating cereal at the table with Bob as Eric knocks. She gets up to let him in and he runs inside quickly, shutting the door behind him.

ERIC : Hide me. Hide me now!

DONNA : Care to tell me why you're here so early?

BOB : We got "Frosted Flakes" for breakfast if you want some!

Eric looks around, panicked, then takes a deep breath and joins them for cereal. As he starts to eat, he makes fake happy faces.

ERIC : Mmm. (imitates Tony the Tiger) They're great!

DONNA : Eric, what's wrong?

ERIC : (sighs) My mom wants to take me shopping for college.

DONNA : I know. It was my idea.

There's silence as Eric looks at Bob, then Donna, then starts laughing.

ERIC : Right! Right. Because it's just such a... (beat) GREAT idea.

DONNA : I figured you'd rather do that than babysit Betsy.

BOB : Hoo-boy, ain't that the truth!

Donna just stares at Bob, shaking her head.

DONNA : Dad, don't get so excited. You're going to be babysitting her with Mr. Forman.

BOB : (laughing) Oh, that's a good one, pumpkin!

Eric is cracking up by now.

ERIC : Wait, wait. If I go shopping with you and my mom, then your dad and Red have to deal with bottles and diapers all day? I am SO in!

Eric and Donna high-five each other, while Bob looks miserable.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime - Department Store

Kitty, Donna, and Eric are all walking around looking at various clothes. Kitty is ecstactic to be shopping, Donna is trying not to smirk, and Eric is just glad to be out of the house. Suddenly, someone familiar walks up to them to assist them with their shopping.

FENTON : I see that you're interested in our line of... (finally sees that it's Eric and Donna) Oh. It's YOU.

ERIC : Someone shoot me now.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime - The Hub

Kelso and Brooke are sitting at a table, eating some fast food.

KELSO : Sorry I couldn't take you somewhere cooler, but I just got my promotion and all so...

BROOKE : Michael, it's okay. I think it's wonderful how well you're doing.

KELSO : Really?

BROOKE : Really. (beat) Michael, I need to talk to you about something.

KELSO : Is it about me putting Betsy's clothes on backwards? 'Cuz I swear, it just looked like one big pink bag made of cloth!

BROOKE : (beat) Um, no. (another beat) Michael, we can't keep doing this.

KELSO : Why not? I promise to practice more with her clothes!

BROOKE : No, not that. I mean us. (sighs and holds his hand) You're a great father to Betsy which I never would have guessed and it seems like we might really have something going here. But it's hard for me to keep coming out from Chicago just to drop her off or to see you, and...

There's a long pause before Kelso finally gets up the nerve to talk.

KELSO : Brooke, I gotta tell you something important too. I'm the one who made you go back to live with your mom. (She nods her head) Because your mom made me feel bad. She said I wasn't gonna be good for you guys, and I wanted to be with you.

BROOKE : (confused) Michael, what are you saying?

KELSO : I love Betsy. (beat) And you. (Brooke looks shocked) And that's why I made you go back home with your mom.

BROOKE : Michael...

KELSO : Nah, lemme finish. (quiet) I got a job now where I get paid lots. I mean, LOTS! And I never wanted you to go away in the first place so... would you move back? With me? Oh, and Betsy too, DUH.

BROOKE : (smiling) Well, there's still a position open part-time at the library...

KELSO : Okay, you're avoiding my question here and now I'm TOTALLY freaking out!

BROOKE : (quietly) I thought you'd never ask.

KELSO : So, that's a yes?

BROOKE : Yes. (laughing) I love our family, too.

KELSO : Yeah, but what about me?

BROOKE : Well, you're PART of the family so... (sees that he's not getting it) Yes, Michael. I love you.

They kiss for a long time, then hug, then kiss again. Brooke holds his hand.

BROOKE : I wonder how Betsy's doing?

CUT TO

Daytime - Formans' Living Room

Betsy is lying on the coffee table, wriggling around. Bob and Red are looking down at her.

BOB : I ain't touching her.

RED : You think I'm going to? This is women's work! (beat as Red and Bob look at each other) I'm calling the foreign kid to come over.

BOB : Good plan.

CUT TO

Same

Bob and Red are now sitting on the couch lazily watching TV and drinking beer. Fez is pacing behind the couch, holding Betsy. He pats her on the back and coos at her.

FEZ : (to Betsy) Yes, that's a good girl. And who do you love even more than Mommy and Daddy? That's right, Uncle Fez, who takes way better care of you.

RED : Hey, you wanna keep it down a little, Tonto? The Bucks game is on.

BOB : Oooh, good. I got a hundred smackers riding on this one.

RED : Bob, what the hell are you doing betting on basketball?

BOB : Gotta pad out the old nest egg, Red. (beat) You know, just in case.

FEZ : (shushes them) Hey, old men. Stop arguing, you will upset the baby.

RED : Who are you calling old?

FEZ : Hey, you're the one who asked Fez for help. You don't like it? You can, as they say in my country, get bent.

Fez moves to hand Betsy to Red. She cries.

RED : Oh, for Pete's sake.

Fez pulls the baby back, and she quiets.

FEZ : (to Betsy) I am sorry, little girl, but fate wants the mean old men to kick Fez out.

Fez hands her to Red again, and she cries again. Pulling her back to him, she quiets. Bob snickers.

BOB : Now this is an interesting development!

Fez moves Betsy back and forth, with her crying any time she gets near Red.

FEZ : What do you say now, kemosabe?

Red grouses, but nods in concession.

RED : (going back to sit on the sofa) Bob, give the foreign kid money. I'll click around to find (he shudders) some figure skating.

Fez smiles to himself and Betsy.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Department store

Kitty and Donna are rummaging through the CLEARANCE rack, while Eric stands beside, twiddling his thumbs. Fenton hovers just behind the group, watching them like a hawk.

KITTY : Oh, here we are, sweetheart!

Kitty holds up a pair of light blue bell-bottom cords. Eric's eyes go wide.

KITTY : Why don't you try them on, Eric, and we'll see if they're too snug.

FENTON : (stage whisper to Eric) I doubt that, seeing as how I hear there's not much to snug against and show off.

ERIC : Will you just GO AWAY already?

FENTON : Hell, no. I work on commission.

DONNA : What is your problem with us, anyway, Fenton?

FENTON : Ask your friend Fez. He and I had a horrible falling over a certain item of mine that has yet to be returned. And don't let him lie to you, it is mine, and not his. That's where it started. Of course, you, Mr. Forman, have earned plenty of my ire all on your skinny little lonesome.

KITTY : Well, that's no excuse to be rude. Why don't you just toddle off and we'll call for you when we're ready, okay? (laughs)

FENTON : I really think that I should stick around and supervise this… outing.

DONNA : And I really think that if you keep bugging us, I should snap you in two.

FENTON : Oooh, how forceful. How… butch. (to Eric) You must be so proud.

ERIC : I… (beat) Yeah, okay, I am.

FENTON : Very well. I will be behind the register. Just wave me down, when you're finished gathering up last season's cheapest and tackiest.

They watch Fenton leave. All of a sudden, Kitty hugs Donna.

KITTY : Thank you. Oh, thank you, Donna.

DONNA : Um, you're welcome, Mrs. Forman. For what?

KITTY : For making sure that Eric has always been interested in having a girlfriend. I have a feeling we may have just seen the alternative.

Eric hugs Donna, too.

ERIC : Yes, thank you, Donna.

DONNA : You're welcome. (beat) Um, Mrs. Forman? Your son is touching my butt in public.

KITTY : (still hugging) Right now, I'm okay with that.

Donna shakes her head, exasperated.

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime - Fez & Kelso's apartment

Brooke is holding Betsy, who is falling asleep. Kelso is grabbing a blanket from his bedroom for her and holds it up.

KELSO : What do you think?

BROOKE : I think we're never leaving her alone with Mr. Forman again. Did you see how he automatically called Fez instead of actually taking care of her?

KELSO : Right, but... I was talkin' about the blanket.

Brooke looks to see that it's a "Spider-Man" blanket and grins.

BROOKE : Michael. Don't you like any of the cute little ones that I brought with me?

KELSO : Yeah, but this is "Spider-Man"! (beat) You know. "Spider-Man"!

BROOKE : All right, all right. (Kelso comes and wraps Betsy in it, sitting next to Brooke) This is your blanket, isn't it?

KELSO : (shifty) No...

Brooke kisses him and shakes her head, and they both realize Betsy is completely asleep. They stand and walk to Kelso's bedroom, quietly, to put her down until the door flies open and Fez enteres the apartment.

FEZ : What a glorious day!

Besty starts crying.

FEZ : I have made twenty American dollars and also burned Red at the same time! (He looks at Betsy) What the hell is wrong with her now?

KELSO : (angry) Nothing was wrong until you showed up!

FEZ : Oh, that cannot be. Betsy loves her Uncle Fez.

Brooke walks over to him and Betsy's crying gets louder. She pulls Betsy away and the crying stops. She gets ready to hand Betsy to Fez, and the baby starts crying again.

BROOKE : (sighing) Michael, I'll be in your bedroom with her.

She walks through his bedroom door and shuts it. Kelso looks at Fez.

KELSO : Man, you are ruining one of the best days of my life!

FEZ : How?

KELSO : I... (can't think of how) I don't know! But when I do, you're SO dead!

FEZ : Fine.

KELSO : Fine!

FEZ : Fine!

Fez leaves through the front door just as Brooke comes out of the bedroom.

BROOKE : Michael, we can't stay here. If you want us to move out...

KELSO : I'll take care of it. (she looks dubious) I will! I'm gonna go to the Formans'. (kisses her) Just, uh, stay out of Fez's room.

BROOKE : I sort of figured that out the first time he walked out of his room naked and looking for the olive oil.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime - Department Store

Kitty and Donna are waiting outside a dressing room for Eric. When he comes out, he's dressed in a leisure suit that Fez might wear. Donna tries not to laugh.

KITTY : Oh. Well. That certainly looked different on the rack...

ERIC : Mom, can't I pick out my own clothes? Or, better yet, can't we go shopping for Donna?

DONNA : Sorry, Eric. I went shopping for clothes with your mom last week. (Kitty & Donna smile at each other)

ERIC : What? How? Why? I...

DONNA : Because I didn't want to shop with Jackie, and because we all know what sort of outfits you'd pick out for me if I went with you.

Eric looks defeated, just as Fenton approaches and wrinkles his nose.

FENTON : Why, that outfit is almost as small and tacky as the ring you bought for her. (gestures to Donna) Don't tell me you took him back after you returned that little number.

Donna looks highly upset. Kitty walks up to Fenton, quite pissed off by now.

KITTY : You listen here you big... (beat) little man! My son is the most thoughtful, generous boy in the world!

ERIC : (quietly) Thanks, Mom.

KITTY : (isn't done) And you? You are a meanie! A meanie who has no love in his life and feels the need to pick on poor teenagers to make himself feel better!

ERIC : Uh, Mom?

KITTY : (still going) Well, I'm going to tell you something, mister. People say my husband is mean, but you are worse because he does it out of love but you do all of this... (gestures around the store) because YOU HAVE NO SOUL!

DONNA : (to Eric) Did your mom forget to take her menopause pills?

KITTY : (to Fenton) You will die a bitter, old, lonely man and NO ONE WILL MISS YOU! Now apologize to these two nice kids. (beat) APOLOGIZE!!!

FENTON : (crying, to Eric & Donna) I'm so sorry!

Fenton runs off as Kitty begins to calm down. Eric and Donna just stare at her.

KITTY : I'm going to go get some fresh air. (laughs) I'll be back in a jiffy!

Kitty leaves through the front door and Eric is in shock. Donna still looks upset. He wraps an arm around her and rubs it up and down her arm.

ERIC : Hey. Hey, it's okay. I'm fine, Donna.

DONNA : I'm not upset about you, dillhole. It's me!

ERIC : What? Why? (beat) Wait, you don't mean what he said about the wedding ring, do you?

DONNA : Look Eric, we had plans. And yeah, we rushed into the wedding. We're too young. We're going to college. But since you've been back, we haven't talked about what we're going to do at college, where we're going to live... it's like you came back and I'm expected to just pick everything up right where we left off. And I can't do that, Eric.

Eric pulls her down on a bench and sits with her.

ERIC : No, no, you're right. I guess... I guess I just figured we'd try and get an apartment in Madison, like we had planned before.

DONNA : Yeah? Well, next time tell me that so I don't freak out, okay?

ERIC : Okay.

There's a moment of quiet between them before she looks at him and sighs.

DONNA : Also? It might be nice if we had some time. Together. (beat) Alone.

ERIC : But, we're alone right now and... (he finally gets it) Oh.

They both look at each other nervously.

ERIC : (mischievously) Well, I have to get out of this suit somehow.

DONNA : Wait, here?

ERIC : Why not? You've been making me wait forever since I got back to--

DONNA : Oh, no, mister. You're the one who's been making me wait.

They look around. No one's there. They both scramble into the dressing room door and lock it behind them.

SCENE BUMPER

THE CIRCLE

ERIC : Well. You can all stop making jokes now because Donna and I finally did it. Oh yes. In public, no less. Yeah, we're back where we were and everything's perfect.

HYDE : You only THINK you're back where you were, Forman. That's how they trap you.

KELSO : Well, I'm not trapped! I told Brooke I loved her, and she said it back, and she's gonna move back out here!

HYDE : (shaking his head) And you think you're not trapped?

KELSO : Nah! I was trapped when I was datin' your sister, though! (he moves his arm out of the way before Hyde can frog him)

FEZ : Wait. Everyone here has a woman except me. (pouts, then looks to where Hyde is sitting) Oh, can I date your sister?

HYDE : NO! (frogs Fez)

ERIC : You married MY sister!

KELSO : Yeah, and I slept with her. (beat) Both of them. Of their sisters, in case you didn't get what I was sayin'...

HYDE : We GOT it, Kelso.

FEZ : (beat) I do not see what the problem is. No one is dating Angie. (is frogged my Hyde again) Ay!

ERIC : I'm just so glad things are working out finally. We're really going to do it. We're going to find our apartment again and we're going to make it work.

KELSO : Lucky bastard. (looks at Fez)

FEZ : What? I am not dating YOUR sister.

HYDE : You're not dating MINE, either.

FEZ : (deviously) Isn't she in Milwaukee?

ERIC : Fez, I wouldn't...

We only see arms and legs fly as the table is knocked over. We hear Kelso laughing as Eric just sits in his chair, nodding his head a few times.

ERIC : I warned you.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime - The Pinciotti's Living Room

Donna is holding Betsy, while Brooke and Jackie are sitting on the couch.

BROOKE : Thanks for letting us come over here, Donna.

DONNA : It's okay. I figured you and Kelso were getting tired of that tiny bedroom of his.

JACKIE : Eww, Donna, do we have to hear about them doing it?

Brooke just stares at Jackie, who finally gets it.

JACKIE : Oh. Whatever. Your problems aren't as big as mine. Christine St. George is a bitch!

Donna sits down.

DONNA : Well, what happened? Usually if I have any troubles with my boss, I just talk to him and tell him why I'm upset.

JACKIE : Yeah. I tried that, Donna, and she's freakin' insane! She keeps saying she's going to fire me if I do anything wrong and it's my first day!

BROOKE : Sounds pretty irrational.

JACKIE : Did you miss the part where I said she was 'freakin' insane'?!? (sighs) I don't know what to do. It's my dream job and I'm screwing it up already. This day couldn't get any worse.

Donna and Brooke look at each other. Donna grins and hands Betsy to Jackie.

JACKIE : Eww, I don't want to hold her! (she holds Betsy out in front of her as far away as possible) Take her back!

Brooke takes Betsy back and rocks her as Jackie glares at Donna.

DONNA : Sorry. But on the bright side, doesn't your job seem better now?

JACKIE : (sighs) Yeah, a little. (beat) So have you and Eric done it yet?

Donna looks embarrassed, and Brooke looks confused.

DONNA : Jackie!

BROOKE : But I thought you two...?

DONNA : It's a long story.

JACKIE : Eric went to Africa, came back, and they'd only made it to second base last I heard.

DONNA : Or not so long.

BROOKE : Oh. (beat as she grins) The stacks at the library are pretty quiet...

DONNA : Brooke, you didn't!

BROOKE : You're talking to the girl who got pregnant in the bathroom of a concert.

JACKIE : (to Donna) Actually, she's right. Public places might be the way to get things going for you again.

DONNA : Well... (blushes)

JACKIE : You ACTUALLY did it? In public? (pats Donna on the knee) I'm so proud of you!! Now when you do it in a dressing room? Get back to me because I have some tips for you.

SCENE BUMPER

Night - The Formans' Kitchen

Bob and Red are sitting at the table, eating. Kitty is finishing up the last bits of brownies she's been baking and sets them in front of the two of them.

BOB : Thanks for inviting me over, guys.

KITTY : Oh, it's no problem, Bob! It's my pleasure to say "thank you" for taking care of the little baby while I was out today!

RED : (sarcastic) Yeah. We had a blast.

The men start eating the brownies, and Kitty just laughs.

KITTY : Just think. Someday, that could be us babysitting our OWN little grandchild!

Both Red and Bob begin coughing up the brownies.

RED : Not anytime soon, Kitty.

KITTY : Well... maybe, but our kids are going to be moving away from us for college.

BOB : (realizing) Soon. And I'll be alone. (looks to Red) You wanna spend some time with me in that RV I was talking about before?

RED : No. I want Eric out of the house, and...

KITTY : What about that check, Red? From Muffler Masters?

BOB : What check?

There's quiet as they all sit and think about their kids.

BOB : Donna's so excited about school.

KITTY : (trying not to cry) So's Eric.

RED : Oh, hell, are you two going to cry?

KITTY : No.

BOB : Maybe.

Kitty and Bob both start crying and hugging each other, as Red gets up and walks away through the living room door.

BOB : (through his tears) You know, Kitty, the baby didn't like Red at all!

KITTY : (sniffling) I know. Eric and Laurie were the same with him.

RED : (offstage) It's because they were both dumbassess!

Kitty pats Bob on the arm.

KITTY : (whispering) He's crying too. Don't worry.

RED : (sniffling) I heard that!

END ACT TWO

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

TAG

Night - The Basement

Hyde is sitting in his usual chair, watching T.V. Fez is sitting on the couch, playing with a yo-yo. They're not looking at each other.

FEZ : You need to talk to me sooner or later.

HYDE : No. I don't.

FEZ : Yes. You do!

Hyde finally looks at Fez, a little pissed off.

HYDE : Fez, you snuck into the record store just to find out Angie's new phone number.

FEZ : And I called her up! I don't see the problem.

HYDE : The problem is that you do NOT get to date my sister!

FEZ : Oh-ho, and who makes that decision, hmm? You or your sister?

HYDE : ME!!

Hyde turns back to watching T.V. and there's a moment of silence.

FEZ : Kelso did it with her.

HYDE : And now she's in a different city where he can't touch her ever again.

FEZ : But he loves Brooke! If he loves her now, then what is the the big deal? (beat) Fez needs some love too.

HYDE : (looking at Fez again) Fez, there are three rules guys follow when it comes to chicks. The first rule is don't steal your best friend's girl.

FEZ : But you did that.

HYDE : Yeah, but... (beat) Okay, the second rule is don't cheat on your girl.

FEZ : But you did that, too.

HYDE : (frustrated) And the last rule is DON'T SLEEP WITH YOUR FRIEND'S SISTER!

Fez nods like he understands. There's a pause.

FEZ : So, if you have done two out of three, then do you get to go ahead and just ignore rule number three?

HYDE : That's it.

Hyde gets up and chases Fez out of the basement to beat him up.

THE END

* * *

_Please review us! Next up? SOMEONE BREAKS UP, and it's not who you think!!!_


	8. Don't Go Breaking My Heart

_Thanks again to everyone who has been reviewing us! Keep it up and we'll be able to update quicker, knowing that you guys all want more! When last we left the gang, Kelso finally told Brooke the truth about his feelings & why he told her to move back with her Mom, Eric and Donna finally "did it" for the first time since he moved back home, Jackie felt like her new job wasn't working out, & the parents all had to deal with Betsy & the reality of the kids moving away. We teased about someone breaking up in this episode too... so who's breaking up? Keep reading and don't forget to review us!_

**Don't Go Breaking My Heart**

Night - Eric's Bedroom

Everything is seemingly back in order from when we saw it in Season Seven. Eric has just finished unpacking and is wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt, and he takes one more look around before going to sleep. He frowns at the head of his bed.

ERIC : (yells) Mom? Dad? Come quick!

It takes a bit, but Kitty in curlers and a nightgown along with Red in his PJs show up. Kitty looks sleepy. Red just looks mad.

ERIC : Guys, seriously! Look! (gestures frantically)

RED : What the hell is wrong now?

KITTY : Oh, hush, Red. (to Eric) Can this wait until morning?

ERIC : NO! No, it can't! (beat) We've been robbed!

KITTY : What?

Eric gestures again to his headboard.

ERIC : All my G.I. Joes are gone!

KITTY : Oh, honey, of course they are.

ERIC : What?

KITTY : Well, you're a grown man now. So to surprise you, I got rid of all your dolls...

ERIC : ACTION FIGURES!

KITTY : (beat) Surprise! (laughs)

Eric looks at her in disbelief, then turns to Red.

RED : You're the one who wanted to move back home, dumbass. You want to be an adult, you're going to get treated like one, starting right now. If not, well, there's a foot just waiting to find a home in your ass!

Eric looks back at Kitty.

KITTY : (laughs) Goodnight!

Red and Kitty leave, and Eric collapses onto his bed as we

CUT TO CREDITS

ACT ONE

Early morning, Fez & Kelso's apartment

Loud music is coming through the closed door of Fez' room. Kelso comes out of his room, hair disheveled, in boxers and a t-shirt. He pounds on Fez' door. The music changes, but nothing else. He pounds again. The music changes again. He pounds a third time. Finally, the door opens.

FEZ : (angry) Will you cut that out? You're making the record skip around!

KELSO : Fez, it's nine o'clock. You know I worked the graveyard shift last night!

FEZ : So what? You're a cop in a graveyard, you can't catch a nap?

KELSO : It means that I was working all night, Fez. And I'm doing it again tonight, so I need to sleep!

FEZ : What the hell are you doing that for?

KELSO : I told you, I'm saving up some extra money.

FEZ : A likely story. You know, you've woken me up plenty of times.

KELSO : Like when?

Fez gets a thoughtful look.

FLASHBACK

Night, the apartment

Generic sounds of passion are coming from Kelso's room. Fez storms out of his room, in a bathrobe. He pounds on Kelso's door.

FEZ : Kelso! Brooke! Stop it!

They don't. He pounds again.

FEZ : Stop it or let me join in!

Still the noises. He pounds again.

FEZ : I'm going to stand out here and listen until you stop!

Nothing. Fez waits for a moment, then bursts into a giggle.

FEZ : (to himself) They are doing it...

END FLASHBACK

KELSO : (annoyed) Fez, you're not a virgin anymore. You know that doing it has priority over everything else.

FEZ : My point exactly, you see what I mean?

KELSO : (confused) Yeah. No, wait. No. (beat) I didn't hear you bring anyone home.

FEZ : I didn't say I brought anyone home, I said I was doing it.

KELSO : (angry) Then just be quiet, damn!

Kelso storms back to his room. Fez slams his door, and the music stays loud.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Formans' basement

Hyde is in his chair, watching TV. Donna is sitting on the couch, flipping through the U of W catalog, while Eric is stretched out with his head in her lap.

ERIC : All of them! Jungle Action G.I. Joe... Sea Adventurer G.I. Joe with Kung Fu Grip... Man of Action G.I. Joe with Eagle Eyes...

DONNA : (not paying attention) That's terrible, honey.

ERIC : You guys don't appreciate how much lunch money I've had to save for those figures!

DONNA : (bored) That's terrible, honey.

ERIC : Donna, are you even going to listen to me about this?

DONNA : That's terr-- (beat) Oh, sorry, Eric.

HYDE : (annoyed) I swear to God, Donna, if he says one more word about those dolls, smother him.

ERIC : Action figures!!

HYDE : Do it!

ERIC : (smirking up at her) Well, as long as you do it with your boobs... I'm ready to go.

Donna, laughing, shoves him off the couch. As Eric gets up, the door flies open, and Jackie runs into the room, frantic and teary.

JACKIE : Steven!

Jackie vaults over Eric and throws herself into Hyde's lap, almost sending him falling out of his chair. Jackie throws her arms around Hyde and whimpers.

JACKIE : Oh, Steven, it's horrible!

Hyde sighs, and pats her on the back.

HYDE : Somebody beat you to the clearance rack at the shoe store?

JACKIE : (offended) No. Like I'd ever shop off the clearance rack. (beat) No, my slutty whore of a mother is leaving town again!

DONNA : But Jackie, your mom's a-- no, wait, you got it pretty accurate.

ERIC : You forgot hot.

DONNA : Smothering you is still on the table, Eric.

ERIC : My statement regarding boobs still stands, Donna.

HYDE : (ignoring them) She's taking off? What for?

JACKIE : (air quotes) "Vacation".

ERIC : Oh, is that so? Which country will she be sleeping her way through-- I mean, visiting?

JACKIE : (angry) Uru-something, or Para-something... Oh, who cares?! I'm being abandoned again!

DONNA : Don't worry about it, Jackie. You can just move back in with me.

JACKIE : Donna, duh-- you're leaving for college soon. And I am not living with Bob by myself, I'm sorry. I still have nightmares about having to watch him give himself a home perm.

Jackie turns puppy eyes to Hyde.

JACKIE : Steven... your girlfriend is in need. And you have a whole basement all to yourself. (before Eric can comment) Shut up, Eric.

HYDE : Much as I'd like to shack up, Jackie-- which might not be at all-- Red would have me out of here and on my ass faster than they chucked out Forman's doll collection.

ERIC : ACTION FIGURES!

HYDE : (ignores him) We'll figure something out.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Formans' kitchen

Kitty is baking something. Eric comes up from the basement, and heads for the fridge.

KITTY : Hi, sweetheart. What was all that commotion? By the wailing and carrying on, I'm guessing it was the Burkhart girl.

ERIC : Yeah, Jackie's all bent out of shape because her mom is leaving town again.

KITTY : (sarcastic) Oh, what a surprise. Pam Burkhart's slept her way through Point Place once more, and needs greener pastures.

ERIC : (laughs) Mom! I thought you liked Mrs. Burkhart.

KITTY : No, dear, it's your father who has a crush on her. (slowly getting more angry) A ridiculous little crush on her and her bony, overtanned butt... (through gritted teeth) The same crush all you stupid men seem to have on her...

Kitty starts shaking a cooking utensil menacingly. Eric backs off, holding his hands up.

ERIC : Easy, Mom. I'm with you on this one.

Kitty takes a breath, then laughs it off. Red enters through the sliding doors, looking annoyed.

RED : Eric! Didn't I tell you to clean up the garage two hours ago?

ERIC : Maybe, but I don't recall you making a deadline on that very clear.

RED : The only deadline you need, smart mouth, is the line from my foot to your ass that will make you dead.

ERIC : (beat) So go clean the garage now?

RED : In so many words.

ERIC : And what if I say that I don't want to? Seeing as how, y'know, I'm a college man now.

KITTY : Oh, Eric, what are you doing?

ERIC : Mom, Laurie never had to do anything around here when she was in college... all fifteen minutes of it.

RED : Eric, you-- despite appearances to the contrary-- are a young man, and as such, I expect you to do whatever menial physical labor I tell you to do. And as long as you live under this roof, you will do it.

ERIC : As long as I live under this roof. I gotcha.

Furrowing his brow in thought, Eric walks out the sliding doors and turns toward the garage. Red looks smug, but Kitty is concerned.

KITTY : Red, was all of that necessary?

RED : Kitty, the boy is heading for college. He needs to toughen up, or else he'll be back here the first weekend needing to have a wedgie surgically removed.

KITTY : Oh, don't be dramatic. Beside, Donna will protect him.

They both laugh.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, "Fresh Hair" salon

Fez is at a washing station, shampooing a female customer. Throughout the scene, he is clearly peeking down the front of her blouse. Jackie is sitting in the next chair over, idly playing with the handle of a broom.

JACKIE : (mid-speech) And then she said, "Well, since you're all graduated and an adult and stuff, you'll be just fine, right?" And I said, "Oh, I don't need you, Mom, but it'd be nice if you stuck around for once." And then she said that Point Place was a hole, and that even the scuzziest bars in Mexico were more fun than Wisconsin. I wouldn't have minded that so much, since Wisconsin is so damn boring, but it meant she was leaving me! Again!

FEZ : (frustrated) You think you have it bad? So your mother is an attractive, but slutty woman who likes to travel-- big deal! You don't have to put up with living with Kelso. Half the time, he's doing it loud enough to wake me up, and the other half, it's his baby that makes me need a lullabye.

JACKIE : Wow, so Michael and Brooke are really that serious, huh? Where is he now? I thought he usually comes to the salon on his days off to hit on women with low self esteem.

FEZ : I think he's at lunch with Brooke.

JACKIE : Again? Wow, they're really getting serious, huh?

FEZ : (scoffs) If you want to call spending every waking moment together and in perpetual happiness "serious", then I guess you're right.

The phone rings. One of the stylists answers and motions at Fez.

STYLIST : Fez! Your roommate calling... again.

Fez rolls his eyes, wipes his hands off on a towel and picks up the phone.

FEZ : (into phone) What? What?! Okay, fine. I said I would.

He slams down the phone and heads for the door. Jackies stops him.

JACKIE : What about the salon? What about your job?

The customer previously getting her hair washed raises her hand.

CUSTOMER : What about me? Um, I'm not quite finished!

FEZ : Jackie will finish you.

Fez ducks out the door. Jackie looks down at the person in the chair, and shrugs. She pulls the spray head out and aims it at full arm's length at the sitting woman. Jackie lets the water rip, and it drenches the woman, who screams.

JACKIE : Sorry!

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Daytime, Fez & Kelso's apartment

The place is spotless, and someone has set up what looks like a romantic meal on the coffee table. A linen tablecloth covers it, and nice plates and silverware are seen. Kelso comes out of the kitchen with a bucket containing ice and bottles of beer. He places that on the table, and proceeds to light two candles.

KELSO : Candles, check. Alcohol, check. Mrs. Forman's good china, check.

The front door opens, and Fez walks in, annoyed.

FEZ : This better be good, Kelso. I was shampooing Mrs. Feinbaum, and she wasn't wearing a bra.

Fez sees the stuff laid out on the table.

FEZ : What the hell is all this?

KELSO : What, can't a guy invite his roommate to a nice lunch at home? (he shoos him toward the couch) Sit, sit!

FEZ : (reluctantly) I don't know... (spies the bucket) Oh, my goodness! (takes a bottle) Beer! And the good kind-- in a bottle!

KELSO : That's not all, my friend!

Kelso runs into the kitchen and comes back with a covered silver tray. He lifts the lid to reveal burgers and fries.

FEZ : Is that...?

KELSO : Double cheeseburgers, extra cheese, no pickles, toasted buns and french fries, well done from the Hub!

FEZ : (getting overwhelmed) All my favorites! Cold beer, hot food... and is this Miss Kitty's good china? Kelso, what has gotten into you?

KELSO : You're my buddy, and I felt really bad for yelling at you this morning. Fez, I'm sorry, and I really hope this doesn't change things between us.

FEZ : Kelso, I could never stay mad at you! (grabs a burger and takes a chomp) Oh, this is perfect.

KELSO : Don't speak too soon, my friend. Someone might have a brand new stack of magazines waiting in his bedroom, and they're not "Cosmo"...

Fez drops his burger and swallows hard.

FEZ : You bought me porn?

KELSO : Yes.

FEZ : (suspicious) Oh, I see. You want something.

KELSO : No, Fez-- I mean, I have something I need to tell you, but--

FEZ : Just spit it out, then!

KELSO : All right, damn! (beat) Fez... I'm moving out.

FEZ : What?

KELSO : I've been planning a lot of stuff with Brooke lately, and everything starts with us moving in together. I owe it to her, and to Betsy.

FEZ : Oh, I see. (cold) You think you can fatten me up so I will just roll over and let you go back to your whore? I think not.

Fez stands.

KELSO : No-- But, Fez--

FEZ : I said, "I think not"!

Fez storms off into his room. Kelso bangs on the door.

KELSO : Fez! It's for the kid's sake, I swear!

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Formans' basement

Eric and Donna are on a chair and one end of the couch, playing cards. Jackie is on the other end of the couch, pouting. Hyde is in his chair.

HYDE : Jackie, I don't get it. You're eighteen now, why can't you just live in your own house when your mom moves out?

JACKIE : I said, I don't want to talk about it!

HYDE : Yeah, I know. But you're totally willing to sit there and suck the life out of the room, pouting about it.

ERIC : Seriously, Jackie-- why don't you go therapy shopping or something? Anywhere, you know, not here.

JACKIE : I don't want to talk about it!

DONNA : Will you guys just leave her alone? Having a parent walk out sucks, okay? Just leave her alone.

JACKIE : (angry) I don't want to talk about it!! (beat, realizes Donna was on her side) Oh. Sorry, Donna.

HYDE : You know what? There's only one thing to do now.

THE CIRCLE

HYDE : (smiles) There, see? No more happiness drain.

Jackie is quietly cracking up about something.

ERIC : (laughs) Yeah. In fact, I think she may actually be raising the level of happy.

DONNA : Man, that would be a cool power. Raising the level of happy.

ERIC : Donna, you raise my happy level all the time.

DONNA : Pervert. (beat) And thank you!

HYDE : I need my happy level raised. Between Forman's G.I. Joes and Jackie's mom, even getting lit isn't raising me.

JACKIE : (cracking up) I'll raise you, Steven! Just not in front of Donna and Eric! (loud whispers) You don't want them hearing your hot new nickname I gave you, remember?

ERIC : Oh, please, Jackie. Please tell us, do.

DONNA : Come on, Jackie. We have to hear this, especially if Hyde doesn't want us to.

HYDE : I swear to God, Jackie, if you tell them, I'm cutting you off.

Jackie is still cracking up.

ERIC : Pretty please? Pretty please with, um, unicorns and sprinkles on top?

DONNA : It can't be any worse than what Eric-- (stops herself, then giggles)

ERIC : That what I what?

DONNA : Nothing...

HYDE : Oh, no, Donna. You have to.

Jackie is still laughing.

ERIC : No! Focus back on Jackie, and Hyde's embarrassing nickname!

DONNA : Eric, it's not that bad. I'm sure lots of guys--

ERIC : No! Embarrass Hyde time!

DONNA : Fine.

HYDE : No! Back to Forman! He-- (stops, looks at Jackie) Jackie, what the hell is so funny?

JACKIE : (through laughing) You're all so stupid! Why do you think I got a new job? My mom spent all of our money on a tanning bed and bikinis, and I can't afford the house once she's gone! (laughs more) I'm poor again! (looks at Hyde) Just like my Mighty Stallion!

She throws herself at Hyde, and they both fall off the chair while Eric & Donna laugh.

ERIC : That's so awesome.

DONNA : Sure is, my Lusty Jedi Master.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Formans' kitchen

Eric comes up out of the basement, a little groggy, and rubbing his eyes. He starts for the sliding doors, but finds that Red and Kitty are waiting for him.

RED : Sit down.

ERIC : Um, Dad, I had someplace--

RED : Yes, and that place is with your ass in that chair. Sit.

Eric sits, blinking hard.

ERIC'S POV - Red and Kitty are in black and white, slightly static-y, like an old TV

KITTY : Eric, sweetheart, your father and I wanted to remind you of a few things, that's all.

RED : You are still living in this house, and so you are still subject to my rules, do you understand that?

KITTY : Red, it's all right.

Eric rubs his eyes, trying to concentrate.

ERIC'S POV - Red and Kitty shift in color tone, from very blue to very red, like turning a TV knob.

RED : Kitty, the boy is acting like he came home to a hotel! Worse yet, he's acting as if he's already moved out. (to Eric) You're out of here when I say you're out of here!

KITTY : Eric, honey, there are still chores your father needs you to do, and so you need to mind him. (sniffles) There's no reason to rush leaving home... unless you don't want to be here...

Eric shakes his head.

ERIC : No, Mom, no-- It's just that I wanted to enjoy the time I have while everybody's still here, y'know?

ERIC'S POV - Red and Kitty stretch and squash, like changing the horizontal and vertical hold.

RED : You mean you want to waste as much time and sit around like a lazy dumbass with your lazy dumbass friends until you leave.

KITTY : Is it so bad here, Eric? I mean, the commute to the university wouldn't be that bad, would it? What's a couple of hours a day compared to living in a loving, nurturing home?

RED : Son, you are still going to do what I say, when I say and how I say, or so help me, I'll put my foot so far in your ass that you'll need to enroll in an archaeology class to get it out!

Eric sweats and wipes his brow.

ERIC : Understood, sir. I'll just, um, go clean... the garage?

ERIC'S POV - Red and Kitty have 3-D red and green ghost images.

RED : Now you're making sense.

Eric runs off.

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, Fez and Kelso's apartment

Fez is sitting on the couch, pouting deeply. Kelso is sitting beside him, one arm over Fez' shoulders.

KELSO : Like I said, Fez... it's not you, it's me. I'm becoming a different person. My life is going in a different direction.

FEZ : And that direction is south of abandoning me, and west of leaving me high and dry?

KELSO : It's not like that, man! I have... I have responsibilities.

FEZ : (pushes Kelso away) You had those responsibilities when we moved in together! They're nothing new! What changed? (gasps) It's me. That is it, isn't it?

KELSO : Aww, c'mon, Fez, you know that's not true! You're still the most awesomest roommate anyone has ever had. And whoever your next roomie is, they're going to be one lucky person.

FEZ : (shakes his head) I don't know, Kelso... I can't think about someone new right now.

KELSO : I know, I know. It's okay.

Kelso scoots closer again.

KELSO : Fez, this-- (gestures at the apartment) All this was amazing. I had some of the best times of my life here. But I have to do this, man. I have to. (beat) I couldn't live with myself if I didn't, and I bet you couldn't live with me, either.

FEZ : (shakes his head sadly) No, you're right, I couldn't. You have to be who you are. You have to do what you have to do.

KELSO : Thank you, Fez. And Betsy thanks you. And so does Brooke.

FEZ : (angry) Don't talk to me about her! I can't stop you leaving, but I don't have to hear about her!

KELSO : Fez, she's the mother of my kid! I really, really care about her! And I wish you and she could be friends.

FEZ : (cold) Not going to happen.

KELSO : Maybe not, but she's not going away. You need to accept that.

FEZ : Fine.

KELSO : (more softly) Fez, listen to me. This is huge, really huge. This is a totally massive and scary thing for me to be doing. And I need my friends to help me through it. I'll always need you.

FEZ : (sniffs) Oh, give me a hug, you sonofabitch!

They hug. When they sit back, Kelso is wiping at his eyes. Fez is crying openly. Kelso picks up one of the fancy napkins and dabs at Fez' eyes with it. Fez takes it, blows his nose on it and tosses it over his shoulder.

FEZ : (sniffling) Thank you.

KELSO : No, thank you, buddy.

FEZ : I guess I always knew it wouldn't last forever.

KELSO : Don't look so glum, pal. We'll always have Point Place.

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

Daytime, Fez's apartment

Donna, Hyde, Eric, Kelso and Fez come out of the big bedroom (formerly Kelso's), looking tired and sweaty. Jackie is in the kitchen, pouring water from a pitcher into glasses.

HYDE : Well, it's done. Fez is moved into the big bedroom.

DONNA : Fez, what the hell was in all those white filing boxes, anyway? They weighed a ton.

FEZ : My collection.

The guys snicker. Donna shudders.

DONNA : Oh my God. Did I just help move your porn?

Jackie brings the water into the living room.

JACKIE : I think I saw a bottle of bleach under the sink.

DONNA : (going to the kitchen) I'm never helping any of you disgusting boys move ever again.

FEZ : (laughs) Oh, that was a good one. She'd be even more grossed out if she had been the one moving my mattress, with everything that's happened on that!

The other guys look at each other and scramble for the kitchen.

THE END

* * *

_So, did you guess? Next episode - It's the 1970's, and there's an energy crisis going on. What happens when all of Point Place loses power? Stay tuned!!_


	9. Night Moves

_Thank you again to everyone who has been reviewing us! Sorry for the late update, but real life got in the way. No re-cap is really needed here, since this episode is more of a "standalone" than any of our others has been. Enjoy, and please don't forget to review us! (And if you haven't had a chance to take a look at our Zennie Smut story we're working on, please do!)_

**"Night Moves"**

Night - Formans' Living Room

Red and Kitty are reading with the T.V. on.

BOB : (offscreen) Hey there!

RED : Oh God, can't he find someone else to annoy?

KITTY : Red, honey, be nice.

Bob enters through the dining room door, smiling.

BOB : Well, it's getting late. Looks like the kids'll be back soon!

RED : (not looking up) Uh-huh.

BOB : I was wondering if you wouldn't mind us talking about that RV again.

RED : Sonofa--

CUT TO

Night - The Mall

There's a special evening screening of "Dawn of the Dead" that's just letting out of the movie theater. Not very many people went to it, but the last to leave are Fez, Kelso, Hyde, Eric, Jackie, & Donna. Fez seems a little nervous, wringing his hands every few seconds. Kelso seems paranoid.

HYDE : (to Jackie) I told you the mall was evil.

JACKIE : (scoffs) Please. Those four locked themselves up in a mall and they STILL got eaten by zombies? Obviously they didn't shop at the right stores.

DONNA : But Jackie, they stole guns to protect themselves.

JACKIE : (gestures to Kelso) Michael has a gun. Do you trust him?

There's a general consensus of agreement, as the six walk from the movie theater through the now-empty mall to leave.

DONNA : It was actually a pretty good movie. It talked about racism, commercialism... all right, it got kind of gory, but...

ERIC : But it's no "Star Wars".

HYDE : Man, if I have to hear about that damn movie one more time, I'm gonna hand you over to the zombies myself!

FEZ : Shut up, everyone! Have you not noticed where we are?

JACKIE : (deapan) A mall.

KELSO : Nah, Fez is right. We should get back to the Vista Cruiser before the zombies find us.

HYDE : Kelso, for the last time, there's no such things as Martians, vampires, or zombies. "Dawn of the Dead" is all about how the man is keeping us down! It's about how the government has fallen into anarchy! It's--

KELSO : Oh, there are zombies.

HYDE : No, there's not.

KELSO : Yes. There ARE.

Hyde looks ready to start beating up on Kelso, until Fez gets in the way.

FEZ : Stop it, both of you! (beat, a little scared) Let us go home.

Everyone's quiet as they start walking again.

ERIC : Darth Vader could have SO kicked all those zombies' asses.

CUT TO

Night - The Formans' Living Room

Bob is on the couch with Kitty, who looks tired. Red is in his chair still. The T.V. is off.

BOB : So after Midge, Joanne, and Pammy all left me, I finally figured it would be better for me to go somewhere alone.

RED : (under his breath) Too bad you can't go right now.

BOB : What was that?

RED : Uh... just too bad we can't all go.

BOB : Well, see, that was the point of me getting the RV. Figured you two might want to give it a shot too!

KITTY : Oh. Bob. That's just... (laughs) unusual.

RED : Bob, how about you go on home and wait for Donna to get back before I find myself a reason to...

BOB : (stands, holding out a hand to stop Red) Put a foot in my ass? Hoo-boy, allrighty, then. (salutes) Seeya tomorrow, neighbors!

The lights suddenly go out and it's pitch-black.

BOB : Or not.

CUT TO

Night - The Mall

JACKIE : God, I hate being poor! I can't even shop at any of these stores anymore!

The lights suddenly go out and it's pitch-black here, as well.

HYDE : How's about I steal something for you instead?

JACKIE : Aww! You're so sweet, Steven!

There's a beat, then two female yelps.

DONNA & JACKIE : (in unison) Okay, who's touching my butt?

There's another beat.

HYDE, KELSO, ERIC & FEZ : (in unison) Sorry...

CUT TO CREDITS

Night - The Mall

We still can't see anything yet.

KELSO : Okay, I'm TOTALLY beginning to freak out here! I gotta get home to Brooke and Betsy, and I'm not gonna go if the zombies come and eat me!

HYDE : Kelso, you've got a gun. Just shoot the damn things.

KELSO : So you admit there are zombies!

The emergency lights come on, and we can see everyone, huddled together.

FEZ : (scared) Ay!

DONNA : It's just the emergency lights. Come on, we can figure our way out of here now.

They all begin to walk slowly again, with Donna & Eric leading the way. Jackie is hiding behind Hyde. Fez is just behind them, and Kelso is bringing up the rear. Jackie sees Kelso and quickly moves directly in front of Hyde.

HYDE : Jackie, what the hell are you doing?

JACKIE : There's no way in hell that I'm going to let Michael shoot me. You can protect me from him. It's what a good boyfriend would do, anyway.

HYDE : I'm not your... (everyone looks at him and he sighs) Fine. Whatever.

ERIC : Here's the door.

Eric yanks on the door several times. Nothing happens. He presses his feet up against it, still pulling. Nothing happens. One last tug and it sends him flying to the ground on his ass.

DONNA : Eric! Are you all right?

ERIC : Yeah. Yeah. Fine. (stands) Just... fine. Except for the fact that we're all LOCKED INSIDE THE FREAKING MALL!

FEZ : What? No! I do not want to die!

JACKIE : Fez, you can't die from being locked inside a mall. (beat) Although, that would be a cool way to go!

DONNA : Guys, calm down. All we have to do is find someone to unlock the door, and then we'll go home.

ERIC : Okay, yeah. So, maybe we should split up.

KELSO : Oh, right. You saw what happens when you split up! You end up with the zombies eating your...

HYDE : I swear to God, Kelso, if you say "zombies" one more time...

KELSO : You'll what? Throw me to the...(beat) zombies?

Hyde goes after Kelso and they begin to wrestle. In the middle of it, Kelso drops his gun, and Fez picks it up, making everyone stop what they were doing and freeze.

FEZ : All right you idiots, this is how it's going to be. Eric & Donna need to look for the security officers. I will go with Kelso back to the scene of the crime... err, the movie theater. Jackie and Hyde will stay here in case help arrives.

ERIC : Sounds... good, actually. How did you learn all of that?

FEZ : (shrugs, then laughs) I don't know. It must be the gun. (points it at everyone) Don't you move! (everyone freezes with their hands up, until Fez starts laughing) You are all such morons.

SCENE BUMPER

Night, Formans' living room

There are a few lit candles scattered around the room. Red is downstairs, holding a flashlight while Bob lounges on the couch with a tub of ice cream. Kitty is coming down the stairs with a flashlight, holding a few unlit candles.

KITTY : I found a few more candles in Eric's room! And boy, do they smell nice-- we're in for a little treat!

RED : The boy has scented candles?

He swings the flashlight beam, interrogation style, into Bob's face.

RED : What the hell are he and Donna doing up there? Fooling around, or braiding each other's hair?

BOB : To be honest, Red, I'd rather it be the second thing, if you don't mind.

Kitty sets out the new candles and starts lighting them. She notices the ice cream.

KITTY : Bob? Is that our ice cream?

BOB : Of course it is-- if we don't eat this stuff, it'll just melt and make a mess. There's plenty of stuff that'll go bad in the fridge. (laughs) After this, I've got my eye on your milk.

KITTY : What, no cookies or brownies to go with it?

BOB : If you got some.

RED : This isn't gonna last long enough for the food to spoil. The power company's going to get us up and running again in no time.

CUT TO SAME LOCATION

TEXT : "TWO HOURS LATER"

Bob is now chowing down on a roast chicken. Red is in his chair, a short stack of beer cans beside him. Kitty is at the bar, mixing a drink.

BOB : Boy, there really isn't anything that beats leftovers, is there?

RED : (annoyed) I wouldn't know, Bob. Seems like you've been first in line for everything that's come out of that refrigerator since the power went out.

BOB : That's not a very friendly attitude, considering that I'm just trying to help.

KITTY : (already tipsy) Help yourself, sure.

BOB : (laughs) Don't mind if I do! (digs back in)

Kitty shakes her head and walks back over to Red.

KITTY : (loud whisper) He's going to eat us out of house and home!

RED : He can try. But the second he gets near the liquor, you know what to do.

KITTY : Oh, you know I do. (beat) Make him a cocktail.

Red rolls his eyes and Kitty laughs. Bob sucks his fingers, leaving nothing on the plate but bones. Bob gets up and heads for the kitchen.

BOB : And that's it for Mr. Chicken! Now to see what's next on the buffet line!

Bob exits into the kitchen.

KITTY : We have to stop him!

RED : Kitty, do you remember the last time we tried to come between Bob and food?

KITTY : (somber) Oh, dear. We were picking potato salad out of the cracks in the driveway for days.

RED : Exactly. What we need to do is make him believe that he's better off back home, on his own.

KITTY : (giggling again) Oh, good! You do that! You're so good at making people feel unwelcome!

Bob comes back in, eating something unidentifiable out of a big Tupperware bowl.

BOB : Whatever this is, Kitty, my compliments to the chef!

Kitty gives a pleading look to Red.

RED : (clearing his throat) Um, say, Bob-- we appreciate you helping us out and all with our fridge, but... don't you need to do the same for your house?

BOB : Oh, no-- there's nothing in there that'll spoil. Everything edible in my house is canned, dried, pickled, or so full of sugar and preservatives that they'll never go bad!

Bob laughs to himself, then gets thoughtful.

BOB : You know, if this lasts a lot longer, you gotta wonder what'll happen when there's no more food to go around.

RED : (deadpan) I can't imagine what that'll be like.

KITTY : (excited) Oooh, I can! I remember seeing Wild Kingdom once, and they said that when food supplies are scarce, animals will often turn on the slowest and most dull-witted member of the herd.

They both silently look at Bob, who's oblivious. Finally, Bob looks up and at the both of them.

BOB : Oh, you guys...

Bob sits on the couch, happily munching. Red and Kitty sigh and go back to drinking.

SCENE BUMPER

Night - The Mall

Jackie & Hyde are sitting by the locked entrance, looking bored.

JACKIE : This is stupid. I can't believe we let Fez tell us what to do!

HYDE : Calm down, Jackie. We'll get out of here...

JACKIE : And then what? Where am I going to live? And Christine St. George has been even MEANER to me lately.

HYDE : Yeah, I can't really help with the job part, but what about Fez?

JACKIE : (eyes him) What ABOUT Fez?

HYDE : Kelso isn't living there anymore...

Jackie just stares at him. He shrugs.

HYDE : Right. Bad idea. C'mon, let's see what stores I can break into.

SCENE BUMPER

(Different part of the mall)

Eric and Donna are walking around, until he finally stops.

ERIC : I'm lost.

DONNA : We're still in the mall. You can't be THAT lost.

They both sit down at a bench, then hear a noise, jumping at the sound. Eric begins to get freaked out.

ERIC : Now Fez has ME thinking there's zombies around here!

DONNA : (petting his hair) Aw, Eric. The only zombie around here is Kelso, remember?

ERIC : Why did we split up again?

DONNA : Uh, because it was YOUR idea.

ERIC : Stupid! (he lets his head fall backwards with his eyes shut)

SCENE BUMPER

(Another part of the mall)

Fez has the gun pointed and is leading the way with Kelso behind him, back to the movie theater.

KELSO : Gimme my gun back.

FEZ : No.

KELSO : Fez...

FEZ : No.

KELSO : Dude, you won't know how to shoot 'em when you see 'em!

Fez stops and looks at Kelso.

FEZ : Why do you have a gun anyway? You cannot even handle your flare gun.

KELSO : Yeah, but now that I've got my own office and all, I can carry one CONCEALED. (nods) Yeah... pretty cool.

Fez says nothing and keeps walking away.

KELSO : What? WHAT?

SCENE BUMPER

Hyde and Jackie are walking along one side of the mall. Jackie is bored, nibbling away at a bag of popcorn. Hyde is going from store front to store front, yanking on the doors.

HYDE : Dammit, man, what's with all the extra security? The mall's locked up, why do they need to lock every store, too?

JACKIE : Um, maybe because they thought some delinquent might try to break in?

HYDE : I am not a delinquent, Jackie. One, I'm over eighteen. And two, I don't owe anybody money.

JACKIE : (annoyed) Fine. They thought a sometimes-respectable, former delinquent would try to break in.

HYDE : That's better.

Hyde pulls on a door and it opens. He grins.

HYDE : And that's really better. Let's see what we've got.

They step inside. It's a jewelry store. Jackie drops the popcorn and starts to hyperventilate from joy. Hyde starts to back away.

JACKIE : OhmygodSteven... OhmygodSteven... OhmygodSteven...

HYDE : You know, I think maybe this might just be a little more trouble than I'm looking for.

JACKIE : Don't you go anywhere, Steven Hyde! You came to loot, and dammit, you're gonna loot me a diamond ring!

HYDE : Fine.

He steps behind the counter, fiddles with a lock and slides his hand into the display case.

JACKIE : (guiding) No, to the left. Left. My left! No, that one's gaudy. This one's ugly. That one! That one!

Hyde pulls his hand back, but can't.

HYDE : I'm stuck! Jackie, I'm stuck!

JACKIE : (dramatically) Noooooooooooooo!!!

CUT TO

Food Court

Eric and Donna are slowly walking through.

ERIC : Okay, so we didn't come this way, so I'm sure that now we're right.

DONNA : That's amazing logic, sweetie. Now do you see any security guards?

Eric looks around, then spots a figure, sitting in a chair with its feet propped up on the table. Loud snoring and wheezing sounds are heard.

ERIC : Um, that might be... (figure moans) A friggin' zombie!

DONNA : Enough with the zombies, you're being insane!

The figure stands stiffly and awkwardly and starts to turn towards them. They scream and run.

CUT TO:

Movie Theater

Fez is leading the way. Kelso keeps trying to steal his gun back.

KELSO : C'mon, Fez, I'll give you some candy.

FEZ : You have candy?

KELSO : No, but I'm a cop. An officer of the law has access to all sorts of things.

FEZ : Call me when that also includes loose women.

There is a loud, moaning noise.

FEZ : What was that?

The noise comes again, louder.

KELSO : Oh, crap.

Some figure, shambling and ragged, steps into the lobby. Kelso and Fez run screaming into a closet. The figure starts banging on the door.

Inside the closet, the darkness is broken by a flashlight.

KELSO : Cool, found something useful.

He moves the light around, finding the theater's supplies, including the cartons of box candy. Fez gasps.

FEZ : Yes! Yes you did!

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Night, Formans' living room

Bob is laying stretched out on the couch, holding both hands over his stomach and groaning in pain. Red and Kitty enter from the kitchen, each of them holding a bottle of alcohol.

KITTY : (tipsy, mid-sentence as she enters) -- now I'll have to find a new super-emergency special occasion hiding place!

RED : (also a little drunk) Kitty, in the back of the pantry is fine. In the undersized cupboards above the fridge is fine. But what were these doing mixed in with the cleaning fluids?

They don't even notice Bob, who is now groaning loudly.

KITTY : I told you, they're for emergencies. Like uninvited guests. Just like now.

RED : Well, I'm glad we're moving them. I don't want you trying to have an afternoon nip of Drano, and I don't want to try and unclog the toilet with bourbon.

Bob groans really loud, annoyed at being ignored. He gets so into the groan, he rolls off the couch.

BOB: Mooooo... ow!

Red and Kitty walk over, but don't make a move to help.

RED : Bob, what the hell were you doing, lying on my couch and moaning like a Singapore--

Kitty gives him a death glare, daring him to finish the sentence.

RED : --taxicab. Man, those Singapore cabs had awful exhaust pipes. Made so much noise.

Kitty shrugs it off and helps Bob back up onto the couch.

KITTY : Bob, what's wrong?

BOB : I'm not sure, but I think I might have been too late to save some of the stuff in your fridge. I'm not sure if it was that dried-out piece of pecan pie, or the open tin of tuna fish, but something in there (pats his stomach) isn't happy.

RED : (to Kitty) Tuna fish? When the hell was the last time we had tuna fish?

KITTY : Since before Eric came home?

They both shake their heads in disgust and turn to Bob, who shrugs and continues to moan and groan.

KITTY : What are we going to do with him? At least he finished off all the food, but now he's just... well, look at him!

RED : (thinks, then snaps his fingers) We'll toss him in the den. He can stay there until he gets better or we figure out how to make him go home.

KITTY : But what if he doesn't get better? What if we're stuck with him when he's really far gone and sick?

RED : Then we'll put him out of his misery.

SCENE BUMPER

Night, mall, deserted sporting goods store

Eric and Donna duck inside through the frosted glass door, running.

ERIC : Oh my God... Oh my God...

DONNA : What the hell was that thing? It looked like...

ERIC : Just say it.

DONNA : No! It's a stupid idea.

ERIC : Say it! You'll feel better.

DONNA : Eric, it's not a zombie!

Banging on the frosted glass door. Donna and Eric turn to see a silhouetted figure pounding on it. They both yell and turn to run. Donna gets several steps, but Eric trips on a stray dumbbell, landing hard.

DONNA : Eric, no!

ERIC : Donna! No, don't turn around! Go!

DONNA : I'm not leaving you behind, man!

ERIC : Damnit, save yourself!

DONNA : No! Nobody's gonna turn you into a mindless, obedient drone except me!

Donna finds a golf club and raises it like a weapon. The door opens, and it's Leo, wearing a security guard uniform.

DONNA & ERIC : (incredulous) Leo?!?!

LEO : (happily) Hey, kids! (looks around) Weird weather we're having, huh, Man?

ERIC : Leo? Okay, first-- it's not weather. There's a blackout. And second of all-- Leo, what the hell are you doing here?

DONNA : Yeah, and wearing the uniform of the Man. Are you a security guard here at the mall?

Leo examines himself.

LEO : Guess I am!

ERIC : How did this happen, Leo? Did they, like, draft you or something? Can they do that?

LEO : Naah, man, I'm good at avoiding drafts. But I think they, like, promised that I could eat in the food court any time I wanted, man.

DONNA : So?

LEO : So, I just can't pass up those hot dogs on a stick.

ERIC : Terrific. Look, Leo-- we're all locked in here. Do you have keys, or some way to get us out?

LEO : Nope, no keys, man. I leave all that stuff to the other guys. I mostly just hang out near the hot dog place and the cookie stand.

DONNA : That's just great.

LEO : Maybe there's something at the security office that'll help.

ERIC : I never thought I'd say these words, but-- good idea, Leo. Let's go.

Leo leads them out.

SCENE BUMPER

Night - The Mall

We're at the jewelry store. Hyde's hand is still stuck.

JACKIE : There has to be some way to make this work.

HYDE : You want to go find Forman and the security guards around here? Be my guest. Just remember that it might be a long time before I actually get out of jail this time.

He tugs at his hand some more.

HYDE : (under his breath) Knew I should've gone for the ring on the right...

JACKIE : What was that?

HYDE : Nothing. (beat) Look, Jackie. You need to stop freaking out about the damn ring and see if you can figure out the lock on my left.

JACKIE : (excited) You're going to teach me how to loot?

HYDE : No, I... (beat) Okay, that would be pretty cool. (shakes his head) No. No, Jackie, I'm gonna teach you how to get me out of this.

JACKIE : Wait. I get to save YOU?

HYDE : Shut up and stick your hand over there!

Jackie's clapping her hands a little and walks over to where Hyde's hand is stuck. She tries to move the glass around.

JACKIE : Like this?

HYDE : No, my right.

JACKIE : Like this?

HYDE : Yeah, now see if you can squeeze your hand inside.

Jackie is standing next to Hyde and stops.

JACKIE : Oh, they're all so beautiful...

HYDE : Jackie!

JACKIE : Fine, fine. But just so you know, you're stealing a ring for me once we get the power back!

HYDE : Whatever. Just get me out of here NOW. Then we'll talk rings.

JACKIE : (extremely excited) Oh my God, Steven! You just said that...

HYDE : (slightly freaked) No, I didn't.

JACKIE : You interrupted me, so how do you know that you didn't even say it?

HYDE : I've got my hand stuck in a jewelry case, Jackie. It wasn't that hard to figure out.

Jackie's smiling by now, and kisses him.

JACKIE : All right. Let's get out of here, and...

Jackie pulls on her hand a few times. She looks panicked.

JACKIE : Steven!

HYDE : Don't say it.

JACKIE : Steven, I'm stuck!

HYDE : I said, don't say it!

JACKIE : We're trapped in a friggin' mall and I can't even reach the ring I want! (beat) Or your hand!

Hyde sighs and pulls on his hand a few more times without success.

JACKIE : (pouts at him) At least we'll die together.

HYDE : (smirks at her) Damn zombies.

SCENE BUMPER

Movie theater, storage closet

Kelso has moved one empty shelving rack against the door. Fez is sitting on the ground, propped up in one corner of the closet. There are empty boxes and torn wrappers of candy in huge piles heaped up around him. He has loosened his pants and is looking tired and sick.

FEZ : (moans) Ohhhh... Oh, candy. Cruel mistress candy.

KELSO : You know, we arrested a chick named Mistress Candy last week. (laughs) Freaky!

FEZ : (irritated) No, you idiot. My stomach hurts.

KELSO : Gee, d'ya think it might be all the candy you just ate? I mean, damn! I haven't seen that much sugar packed away since me, Eric and Hyde stole a case of Pixy Stix when we were nine!

FEZ : Mmm, Pixy Stix-- (grimaces, holds his stomach) Ow!

Kelso shakes his head and shakes the shelving against the door.

KELSO : Well, this isn't going to hold long with all the weight taken off of it.

FEZ : Well, you're not putting it back. It's better than nothing, with the zombies out there.

KELSO : Look, Fez-- zombies are slow and stupid. We are fast... and not stupid. (beat) Okay, maybe you're not that fast right now, but you're not stupid. I think we should make a break for it.

FEZ : The hell we will. We do that, I fall behind, and you get away while the zombie feasts on my candy-fattened flesh.

KELSO : (shrugs) And the handsome guy gets away, just like every horror movie. What's your point?

FEZ; The point is that I'm not becoming your zombie bait, you sonofabitch!

Fez tries to lunge at Kelso, but can't. Fez winces, Kelso laughs and something bangs on the door. Both guys scream. The banging gets louder and Kelso drops to the floor. He and Fez cling to each other in fear.

KELSO : If we get out of here, don't tell anybody I said this, but-- I love you, Fez. Y'know, like a guy.

FEZ : (smiling) I love you too, Kelso. Like a guy.

They cringe as the door is forced open, the shelving unit crashing aside. In steps a nerdy teenager in a theater uniform.

NERD : You weirdos need to get out of here, got it?

Fez and Kelso nod.

SCENE BUMPER

Night, Formans' living room

Red is nervously pacing between the couch, his chair and the kitchen door. Kitty is drinking and biting her nails. Bob's random moans and groans can be heard coming from the den.

RED : We have to do something about Bob.

KITTY : He's fine where he is. As long as he stays where he is, everything will be fine. Even if he gets sick, we never use that room, anyway.

RED : I am not going to have Bob puking my food out on my carpet in my den!

Red stops, crossing his arms.

RED : We've got to get rid of him.

KITTY : We can't do that! It's not right!

RED : He's a danger, Kitty. To our carpet, our furniture, what's left of our food-- everything.

KITTY : (pleading) Bob is our friend, Red! We can't desert him in his time of need. Just give it time, he'll be okay.

RED : It's been hours, and he's just getting worse. This has to be done.

Kitty gasps and runs into the kitchen. Red gets a determined look on his face and walks into the den.

SCENE BUMPER

Jewelry store

Hyde and Jackie's hands are still stuck in the display case.

JACKIE : Okay, my wrist is starting to hurt. There has to be something better to do than trying to yank our hands out of here.

HYDE : Like what?

Jackie kisses him. The two start awkwardly but enthusiastically making out. Suddenly, someone kicks the door open.

LEO : (shouting, holding out his hand like a gun) FREEZE, DIRTBAG!

Jackie shrieks. Hyde yelps in pain, and backs away, holding his hand to his mouth.

LEO : (chuckling) Man, I always wanted to be the one saying that.

HYDE : (muffled, angry, to Jackie) You bit my tongue!

JACKIE : He scared me! (to Leo) Leo, what the hell are you doing here?

Leo shows off his uniform.

LEO : Haven't you heard? Around here, I'm the Man, man.

HYDE : (still muffled) That's just so wrong in so many ways.

JACKIE : Will you guys just get us unstuck?

Eric swaggers behind the display case and inspects it.

ERIC : Looks like we just have to get this one little door pulled out or bent enough for you guys to slip past.

Eric grabs for the door.

HYDE : Forman, no offense? But I'm not about to trust those pipe cleaners you call arms to get us out of this. We need muscle.

JACKIE & HYDE : (together) Donna?

Dejected, Eric moves out of the way for Donna. She reaches down and easily pries off the display door. Hyde and Jackie step back, holding their wrists.

JACKIE : Oh, thank you, Donna. I'll never make fun of you being a freakishly strong Amazon again.

DONNA : I'm not holding my Amazon breath on that one.

ERIC : If you're all done praising my Amazon girlfriend, can we get out of here?

They all start filing out: Leo, Hyde, Jackie, Donna, then Eric. Eric stops Donna before she steps through the door.

ERIC : You know, that got me thinking--

DONNA : (sternly) The Wonder Woman costume stays in the bag until we're away at college, I told you. I am not having Jackie walking in on that little perverted fantasy of yours.

SCENE BUMPER

Leo, Hyde, Jackie, Donna and Eric find Kelso and the ill-looking Fez walking their way.

DONNA : There you idiots are. What did you guys do?

KELSO : Fez here found the biggest candy stash ever. I swear, if I had been wearing that jacket I've got that's the same color as a chocolate bar wrapper, I wouldn't be here talking to you.

FEZ : Hey, I may be from a more primitive culture, but I do not eat human flesh. (beat) Too gristly.

HYDE : Anyone else here completely creeped out?

Everyone else raises their hand. And then Fez does, too.

FEZ : (laughs) I didn't want to be left out.

ERIC : What took you guys so long, anyway?

Kelso and Fez share a guilty look.

KELSO : Trapped in a storage closet... by a zombie.

FEZ : Three zombies.

KELSO : No, five zombies.

FEZ : Yeah, five.

The others all shake their heads.

JACKIE : Now can we get out of here? Does anybody have an idea how?

Leo raises a finger and opens his eyes as if he does. The mall lights immediately turn on. Everybody stares at Leo, who then frowns and looks defeated.

LEO : No, I got nothin'.

Leo suddenly reacts, looking around.

LEO : Hey, who turned on the lights, man?

The gang groans and starts walking away.

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

Night, Kitty & Red's bedroom

Both Kitty & Red are in their pajamas, settling in for the night. The bedside lamps are on.

KITTY : Thank you for letting Bob sleep on the couch, Red.

RED : I just couldn't do it. He just looked so... helpless and weak.

KITTY : He never could take care of himself.

RED : Yup. (beat) I'll have the upholstery shampooed in the morning.

Kitty nods. They both switch off their lamps and tuck in. There's a sudden banging and groaning at the door. The lamps are switched on, and Red and Kitty look on in fear. With a loud moan, the door slams open, and it's Bob, looking pale and disheveled.

BOB : I'm afraid of the dark now. Can I sleep up here in your room?

CUT TO CREDITS

THE END

* * *

_Next episode - Donna makes a big decision about her job, and Jackie finally stops complaining about being homeless because... well, stay tuned! And please review us! _


	10. Down to Zero

_Remember us? Sorry for the wait, but we finally got a break from real-life and now we have episode ten for you! When last we left our little gang, Jackie was looking for a place to live after her mom spent all their money, Kelso was adjusting to being a working dad and living with Brooke, Eric & Donna were planning to move once college started for them, and Fez was still on the lookout for girls..._

**"Down to Zero"**

Daytime - The Basement

Hyde is asleep on the couch. Kitty is coming downstairs with some laundry and stops as she sees him.

ERIC : (offscreen) But Mom, I don't see why I need to do my own laundry, too, since you're already--

Eric stops walking down the basement steps and also sees Hyde. Kitty places the laundry aside and walks up to him, nudging his shoulder slightly.

KITTY : Steven? Honey, wake up.

Hyde jumps slightly.

HYDE : I didn't do it! (sees Kitty & Eric) Oh. Hey.

ERIC : Hyde, man, what're you doing sleeping on the couch?

Hyde sits up, putting his sunglasses on, and Eric sits with him.

HYDE : Oh. Jackie. She's sleeping in my room. (looks at Kitty) You guys got mad the last time, so I figured it would be better if I was out here and she had the bed.

KITTY : I don't understand. Why is Jackie sleeping here again and it better be an answer that a mother doesn't mind hearing!

ERIC : Oh, yeah. I guess her mom spent all their money or something.

Hyde nods. Kitty looks upset.

KITTY : She told me before that something was wrong and I made fun of her mother! (she places a hand on her heart) I am a horrible, horrible woman!

HYDE : Don't worry about it, Mrs. Forman. We just gotta find a place for her to stay, though, because I'm not doing this every night. (beat) It messes the 'fro.

ERIC : Fez can't pay for his place alone.

HYDE : I tried that already, Forman. She didn't seem too excited to be living with a guy whose "needs" might bother her during "The Newlywed Game".

KITTY : Well, you've got to get her out of here before your father finds out. (laughs) I'm... I'm just terrible at keeping secrets!

HYDE : (to Eric) What about Donna?

ERIC : Nope. Jackie already said she wouldn't live with Bob again.

HYDE : I hate to say this, but... Kelso? (winces at the thought)

ERIC : Brooke and Kelso barely have enough room in their place for Betsy.

KITTY : Well, Jackie's so tiny, I'm sure they wouldn't notice.

Eric & Hyde just look at Kitty, who laughs.

KITTY : I'm going to go finish breakfast! You? (holds Hyde's face in her hands as she whispers) Get her out of here!

Kitty climbs back upstairs. Eric & Hyde look at each other.

HYDE : Laurie's room?

ERIC : Nope. (beat) The old hotel we worked at?

HYDE : And risk the wrath of Jackie bringing all that crap up again? No way.

There's a moment of silence, until Hyde finally smirks.

HYDE : Guess she'll just have to stay here, then!

JACKIE : (from Hyde's room) Steven? I accidentally broke your new "Led Zeppelin" record!

HYDE : (to Eric) Yeah, she's so outta here.

CUT TO CREDITS

Act One

Daytime - Formans' Kitchen

Red is sitting, eating some breakfast. Kitty has just finished pouring coffee for herself and seems jumpy (from the previous scene).

RED : What's wrong with you?

KITTY : What? (looks around, laughing)

RED : You! You're all... twitchy.

KITTY : I am... not. I'm... (she holds the coffee up) It's the coffee, Red.

RED : But you just poured that cup.

KITTY : You see! (she waves her hands) It's awful, and and I'm just going to stop right now! (she pours the coffee down the sink and walks through the living room door)

CUT TO

Daytime - The Basement

Eric & Hyde are on the couch, waiting for Jackie. Finally, Eric stands up.

ERIC : Hurry up!

JACKIE : God, no wonder Donna complains about you. All you do is want things fast and quick! (Jackie comes out of Hyde's room, perfectly dressed, and walks over to Hyde)

HYDE : You sleep okay? (she sits on his lap)

JACKIE : Yeah, thanks Steven. (she kisses him)

HYDE : Good, 'cuz you're outta here. (he pushes her off him)

JACKIE : Whoa whoa whoa. Steven, you said I could stay here.

HYDE : Look, Jackie, you've got to find a real place to stay. You know Red's not gonna let you move in.

ERIC : Or me.

HYDE : Or Eric.

JACKIE : Ugh. This is so stupid! (Fez comes through the basement door) Where am I going to find a place to stay?

FEZ : Oh I see. I am good for finding you a job, but not for finding you a bed?

HYDE : You better re-word that, man.

It's quiet. Fez looks upset, and Jackie, Hyde, & Eric just watch him for a few beats.

ERIC : Fez, are you... oh... waiting for us to say, "But Fez" so you can storm out of here? Because you didn't, you know, say that part that goes before it. (beat) So... um... yeah.

Fez still looks upset. Eric looks at Hyde & Jackie, who both shrug.

HYDE, JACKIE, & ERIC : (reluctantly) But, Fez...

FEZ : I said good-day! (grins triumphantly at them, and passes Donna on his way out)

DONNA : Okay, what the hell did I just miss?

ERIC : Nothing, nothing. So, did you do it?

DONNA : Yeah.

JACKIE : Do what?

DONNA : I gave them my notice at the radio station. It sucks, you know? I love it there. I'm "Hot Donna". I got to meet all these cool people and have my own show. But, we're going to college so... it's not like I can take the radio station with me.

HYDE : What're you gonna do, then?

DONNA : I don't know. I guess I'll see if UW has a campus radio that I could work at. That would be pretty cool. (beat) In the meantime, they're looking for someone else to take over my spot. I told them I'd even train whoever they ended up hiring.

ERIC : That was nice of you.

DONNA : Yeah. (beat) They better not hire some stupid whore like last time.

JACKIE : Whatever, Donna. You are moving away to someplace better than Point Place, with your whole life practically planned out. And what do I have? Nothing!

HYDE : Hey!

JACKIE : (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, except for you babe.

HYDE : That's better.

SCENE BUMPER

WFPP Radio station, daytime

Donna arrives at work, looking relaxed. Max, the station manager walks into the room from another door.

MAX : Donna! Perfect timing. I just finished my interview with our new employee, and was just about to give her a tour.

DONNA : I can do that. (she shrugs) Might as well start showing her the ropes, right?

MAX : Exactly. Although I gotta tell you that it seems like she's been here for years.

The door Max used opens. Into the room walks a tall, pretty blonde in a Led Zeppelin t-shirt.

MAX : Donna, I'd like you to meet Shawna, your replacement. Shawna, this is the great DJ we're unfortunately losing, WFPP's own "Hot Donna".

SHAWNA : (offering a hand) Oh wow, Hot Donna. I'm such a fan.

DONNA : (shocked, but takes the hand) Um, yeah. Great, thanks.

Shawna has almost the exact same voice and mannerisms as Donna.

SHAWNA : It's a real honor. Maybe one day I'll get to be just like you.

MAX : (almost aside) You're off to a great start. (clears his throat) Okay, and now that we're all familiar, I'll leave you lady-- um, ladies-- to get better acquainted.

Max leaves. Donna and Shawna stand there staring at each other.

DONNA : Okay... we'll start with a tour of the place?

SHAWNA : That's cool.

DONNA : (turning toward the door) I'll show you where the ladies' room is first. I don't know about you, but I've always got to know where that is before anything else.

SHAWNA : Oh, me too.

DONNA : (deadpan) You don't say.

SCENE BUMPER

Fez' apartment, daytime

No one is visible, but we hear Fez in the kitchen, singing.

FEZ : (offscreen) At the Copa, Copacabana... Music and passion were always in fashion at Copa--

Fez comes out of the kitchen, carrying a stack of movie theater-style candy and a giant soda.

FEZ : Copacabanaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

A knock at the door. Fez grumbles and answers it. Hyde is there with an unhappy-looking Jackie.

FEZ : Yes? And it better be good, I've got five pounds of candy calling my name.

HYDE : Jackie has something to say, don't you Jackie?

Jackie opens her mouth, but tries to run instead. She turns, but Hyde grabs her by the shoulders and turns her back around.

HYDE : Jackie...

JACKIE : No! I won't do it.

HYDE : It's this or the Y.

JACKIE : What's the Y?

HYDE : It's like a hotel, but where there's no room service. Or housekeeping. Or walls between the bedrooms. Or bedrooms.

JACKIE : (terrified, it comes out almost as one word) Fez, I want to move in and be your roommate!

FEZ : (smugly) Well, then come in, come in. How the burn has turned.

Hyde and Jackie enter and sit on the couch.

HYDE : Actually Fez, it's-- no, that actually kinda works.

JACKIE : Are we done? Have I humiliated myself enough for one day?

FEZ : Not even close. I must devise some sort of test for you, some way to prove that you really want to stay here.

Hyde stands from the couch and claps Fez on the shoulder.

HYDE : (to Fez) Well, you kids have fun. Fez, just remember: if this test involves embarrassment, you better call me. But if it involves nudity, or Jackie having to provide you any kind of personal favor? I'm going to kick your ass so hard you'll lose your accent.

FEZ : Understood.

HYDE : (to Jackie) You play nice with Fez. I'll grab your stuff from Forman's.

Hyde exits, leaving Fez and Jackie alone. Fez rubs his hands and laughs maniacally. Unimpressed, Jackie takes some of his chocolate.

SCENE BUMPER

Formans' basement, daytime

Nobody down there. Hyde is heard in his room, struggling with something.

HYDE : (offscreen) Dammit... get in there! (etc)

Kitty comes down the stairs and hears him.

KITTY : Steven?

Hyde exits his room with a giant plastic trash back slung over one shoulder. It's full to bursting, and he's huffing and puffing. He sees Kitty and nearly drops the bag.

HYDE : Mrs. Forman! Um... Hi.

KITTY : Steven, what are you doing? (she sees the bag) OH MY GOD, that's not Jackie in there, is it?

HYDE : (shocked) What? No! What? No!

He lowers the bag and holds it open for her.

HYDE : Jackie agreed to move in with Fez, so I'm getting her stuff out of here before Red sees it.

Kitty takes a deep breath and calms down.

KITTY : Sorry about that. Red was having just a little too much fun watching one of those "true crime" documentaries on PBS.

Hyde nods and hauls the bag back up onto his shoulder with a grunt.

KITTY : Oh, Steven, are you sure you can handle all that?

HYDE : Oh, yeah. The stuffed animals just make it bulky. Although all the cans of hairspray and the three boxes of jewelry are kind heavy.

Red comes down the stairs.

RED : Come on, Kitty, you're missing the crime scene photos-- (sees Hyde) Steven, you'd either better be taking over for Santa or have a damn good explanation.

HYDE : I'm... taking out the trash?

RED : And I'm Ho Chi Minh. Try again, dumbass.

KITTY : You caught us! Steven was just taking some of the kids' old toys to the Goodwill!

RED : (exasperated) Strike two.

HYDE : Um...

RED : Okay, answer me this-- is there beer in there?

HYDE : No.

RED : Is there dope?

HYDE : (under his breath) I wish.

RED : What did you say?

HYDE : I said no.

RED : Is your annoying girlfriend that's been sleeping in your room for the last few days in there?

Stunned silence.

HYDE : (finally) No.

RED : Good enough.

He goes back upstairs, leaving a shellshocked Kitty and Hyde.

CUT TO

WFPP radio station, daytime

Shawna is in the studio, out with all the records while a DJ is seen in the booth, on the air. Shawna is putting records back onto shelves when Donna enters the room. Throughout the scene, they mirror each other's movements without thinking.

DONNA : Hey, Shawna. How's the first day of work so far?

SHAWNA : It's been great. This is a really cool job. Do you mind if I ask you a question?

DONNA : No, go ahead.

SHAWNA : Well... like I said, it's a cool job. Why are you leaving?

DONNA : I'm transferring to U of W next semester, so I'm moving.

SHAWNA : That's great! I can't wait to go to college.

DONNA : Oh, are you saving up for tuition?

SHAWNA : No, I'm just waiting for my boyfriend to make up his mind about what he wants to do with his life.

DONNA : I hear you. (she looks around) Organizing records. Yeah, they had me doing that first day, too. I had to come up with a whole new system, the place was such a mess. (notices her pile of records) Oh, no-- Aerosmith goes over here. Allman Brothers go over there.

SHAWNA : Well, actually, I redid the shelves. This system makes it a lot easier for the DJ's to get the most popular songs first.

DONNA : (annoyed) Oh. Yeah, well, since you're the one who'll be working here, that's cool. I'm gonna go get some coffee. Want some?

SHAWNA : Yeah, cool.

Donna shakes her head as she leaves. Shawna goes back to organizing records. Eric walks into the room while her back is turned.

ERIC : Hey, there's my sexy girlfriend!

Eric walks up and grabs two handfuls of Shawna's butt. She screams, turns and slaps him.

SHAWNA : Pervert!

ERIC : Donna, what the hell?

SHAWNA : I'm not Donna, you dillhole!

ERIC : What the HELL?

Donna comes running in.

DONNA : Shawna, what's all the-- Eric, what's going on?

SHAWNA : This is Eric? Well, your boyfriend just walked in and grabbed my ass!

DONNA : (smacks him) You dillhole!

ERIC : (looks from one to the other, completely lost) WHAT THE HELL?!

SCENE BUMPER

ACT TWO

SCENE BUMPER

Daytime, The Basement

Kelso is doing laundry and eating a popsicle at the same time. Eric is sitting on the couch, looking confused and upset.

KELSO : Okay, so you're sayin' that there's TWO Donnas out there and we didn't know about it?

ERIC : No. Yes. No. (beat) Man, she looked JUST LIKE HER! What the hell was I supposed to do?

KELSO : Grab her ass, like you did.

ERIC : Yeah, thanks, Kelso. I got smacked for it.

KELSO : (shrugs) Look, Forman, I say if there's two Donnas, then take advantage of it! You're living the dream!

DISSOLVE TO FANTASY

Eric is sitting on the couch in the basement, with Shawna on one side and Donna on the other. They're both stroking his chest and snuggled up to him.

DONNA : Oh, Eric! I'm so glad we get to share you!

SHAWNA : Me too, Eric!

The fantasy dissolves until Eric is replaced by Kelso.

KELSO : There's enough of me to go around, ladies!

ERIC : (offscreen) Wait, wait, wait.

DISSOLVE BACK

Eric is staring at Kelso.

ERIC : What the hell, Kelso? You do NOT get Donna. You're using my basement to do your kid's laundry, and you've got Brooke who, for some, you know, WEIRD reason, loves you!

Eric stands up and points at Kelso.

ERIC : So, I'm taking a stand! You're not stealing my fantasy, too!

KELSO : Damn, fine, Eric! You spoil all our fun.

SCENE BUMPER

Fez & Jackie's apartment, daytime

The front door opens and Jackie enters, carrying a small pink pocketbook. Hyde follows, hauling two huge pink suitcases, huffing and puffing. He puts them down with a thump.

JACKIE : Steven, be careful! I have dolls in those bags!

HYDE : Then they better be worth enough to fix my back.

JACKIE : (gasps) You would sell my dolls? My things?

Hyde just looks at her.

JACKIE : Oh, right. (resigned) Fine. That's all of the ones I had in your room, anyway.

HYDE : There are more?!

JACKIE : (counts on her fingers) There's all my Barbies, and their accessories, and the three Dream Houses--

HYDE : Why do you have three Barbie Dream Houses?

JACKIE : One is a summer cottage, and one is the servants' quarters, duh!

Hyde shakes his head and starts pulling one case toward the smaller bedroom. Fez comes out of the big bedroom.

FEZ : Ah, Jackie, good. I have devised your test.

JACKIE : Wonderful. What do I have to do, eat some weird food from your homeland? Because if it's something pervy, I'll have Steven beat you up.

FEZ : So Hyde informed me. It forced me back to the drawing board, but I have the solution. (dramatic pause)

JACKIE : Well...?

CUT TO FANTASY

City street, nighttime

Jackie, dressed in a trench coat and beret, steps into a phone booth. She reaches under the small table and takes out a tape recorder. She pushes play.

FEZ : (voice) Good evening, Agent Jackie. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to acquire and return to the apartment at least one attractive girl willing to go out with me and let me get to at least third base. Good luck. This message will now self-destruct. Fzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... POOF!!

Jackie frowns at the tape recorder, which is still intact, and looks up to see Fez standing outside of the phone booth. He quickly reaches in and grabs the tape recorder.

FEZ : (lame smile) Heh. Sorry, budget cuts.

Fez throws the recorder down on the ground and stomps on it.

DISSOLVE FROM FANTASY

Jackie is staring at Fez, incredulous.

JACKIE : You've got to be kidding me.

FEZ : Nope. Set me up, mama.

JACKIE : (turning to Hyde) Steven, tell him he can't do this!

HYDE : Sounds reasonable to me. You always say that the girls on the cheerleading squad you were on were a bunch of sluts. I'm sure you can call one of them.

JACKIE : Fine. I'll be back.

Jackie turns on her heel and storms out the door.

HYDE : (to Fez) Good idea, man. Chick delivery.

FEZ : Thank you. I've always wanted to combine my interests of being horny and lazy.

SCENE BUMPER

Formans' living room, daytime

Red and Kitty are watching TV. The sounds of an argument come through the kitchen door. Red rolls his eyes and shuts off the TV while Kitty puts down her drink.

RED : I'm so glad Eric's back.

KITTY : Oh, hush. You really are, and you know it. (beat) Three... two... one...

Eric and Donna come through the kitchen door, still arguing.

DONNA : --telling me that you can't tell me from just some other blonde? That's it?

ERIC : Of course not, Donna! But she's not just some other blonde!

Eric stops near Red's chair, Donna sitting on the couch between them and Kitty.

DONNA : So you do like her!

KITTY : Eric, Donna... is there something you'd like to talk to us about?

RED : Or are you just here to annoy me, like usual?

Eric and Donna start talking over each other.

RED : Shut up! Donna first, then the dumbass.

DONNA : So there's this girl at work, right, who's taking over my job. Your son, who you rightly call "dumbass", just walks in and grabs her butt!

ERIC : I thought she was you!

DONNA : I rest my case.

KITTY : Eric, is this true?

ERIC : Mom, you don't understand. This girl, Shawna-- looks just like Donna. I mean, just like her. (gasps) She's your evil twin from an alternate dimension!

RED : My foot is going to an alternate dimension called your ass if you don't stop that.

ERIC : Okay, okay. But seriously, from behind, Shawna has the same hair, the same build, the same height...

KITTY : Donna, is this true?

DONNA : Sort of, I guess. She's not exactly my height, and her hair's a little different, but...

KITTY : (prompting) But Eric, I'm sure she isn't nearly as pretty as Donna, right?

ERIC : Huh?

Red reaches up and shoves Eric in the back.

ERIC : Oh, no! No, she's not nearly as pretty as you. Honey.

DONNA : Well, all right. But there's got to be something to do about this. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Forman.

Donna leaves. Red and Kitty look at Eric, who shrugs.

ERIC : JUST like her.

CUT TO

WFPP, daytime

Donna walks into the record room, where Shawna is organizing again.

DONNA : There you are, Shawna. Look, I'm sorry about before with my boyfriend.

SHAWNA : (shrugs) Don't worry about it. (whispers) My boyfriend's kind of a dumbass sometimes, too.

DONNA : Why are you whispering?

SHAWNA : He just got here to take me to lunch. He's next door. (yells) Hey, Derek!!

Donna's eyes go wide. Derek enters, shaggy brown hair, tall and lanky, wearing a "Star Wars" t-shirt.

DEREK : You must be Donna. I've heard a lot about you. Like I already know you.

DONNA : (panicking) Gotta go.

She runs out the door. Derek and Shawna shrug.

SCENE BUMPER

The Hub, daytime

Jackie walks in, surveying the place. She holds the door open, and when no one comes in immediately, she turns and shouts.

JACKIE : (out the door) MICHAEL!

Kelso comes in through the door, Betsy in one arm, diaper bag slung over the other.

KELSO : Wow, that brings back memories.

JACKIE : Michael, you said you'd help me.

They sit down at a table. Kelso starts giving Betsy a bottle.

KELSO : And I meant it. Now, what do you need again?

JACKIE : I need to find a slut who's willing to go out with Fez and maybe do it with him. I figured who better to ask about sluts than you?

KELSO : (offended) Jackie, I cannot believe that you said something like that in front of my daughter!

Kelso covers part of Betsy's head with his free hand.

KELSO : (smiling) Okay, now let's talk sluts. Give me the details.

JACKIE : Fez says that for me to move into the apartment, I have to find a girl to go out with him who'll let him get somewhere with her.

KELSO : With Fez? This might be tough.

JACKIE : What about old reliable? Pam Macy?

KELSO : U of W.

JACKIE : Pam Macy went to college?

KELSO : No, she just went to a frat party one weekend and never came back.

JACKIE : Kat Peterson?

KELSO : Married Timmy, that guy that was always yelling?

JACKIE : Where's Big Rhonda these days?

KELSO : Pro wrestling circuit.

JACKIE : Shelly what's-her-name?

KELSO : Turns out Buddy Morgan wasn't really gay. He just needed a sluttier lab partner.

JACKIE : Well, crap, who's left?

The bell over the door rings, and Kelso looks up. We don't see who's come in. His face splits into a huge grin.

JACKIE : What? Michael, what?

Jackie turns around to see what he's looking at. She puts her hands to her face in glee.

SCENE BUMPER

Formans' basement, evening

Hyde is in his usual seat, Jackie on his lap, watching TV. Eric and Fez are playing cards. Kelso is flipping through a girlie magazine.

HYDE : Forman, what's taking Donna so long? If I eat one more popsicle, I'm gonna hurl.

ERIC : I don't know. I offered to pick her up after her last day at the station, but she said she had errands to run.

KELSO : All I know is someone said "out for dinner", so I'm here. And it better not be a tease.

FEZ : (to Eric) So Eric, when will you be able to do it with Donna and her twin?

ERIC : What? Who told you about that?

FEZ : Kelso. He described the fantasy in great detail.

KELSO : You're welcome.

HYDE : He won't. Even if he wanted to, he won't.

ERIC : What's that supposed to mean?

FEZ : You are too faithful.

KELSO : You're too bad with women.

HYDE : You're too whipped.

JACKIE : You know what's good for you.

ERIC : (deflated) Thanks, guys.

The basement door opens. Donna enters, wearing a big 'Annie Hall' slouch hat that covers up most of her head.

ERIC : Finally. Donna, what--

Donna whips off the hat to reveal that she's dyed her hair back to red. The boys fall out of their seats in awe, Hyde even dumping Jackie to the ground.

KELSO : Holy crap!

HYDE : Holy crap!

ERIC : Holy crap!

FEZ : Holy crap!

JACKIE : (disappointed) Oh, holy crap, stop it. (to Donna) Why? Why? WHY?

DONNA : Because this is me. I tried blonde, but as it turned out, me with blonde hair made me someone else. Literally.

Donna sits down next to Eric, who starts petting her hair.

ERIC : Oooooooh...

DONNA : You guys are so weird. When I went blonde, you were all happy.

ERIC : Yes, but... as a redhead, you're so...

HYDE : (smirking) Saucy.

ERIC : Exactly.

DONNA : (to Eric) So you're not mad I dyed my hair?

ERIC : (shakes his head) God, no.

FEZ : You are sassy and bold.

KELSO : And still hot.

ERIC : Like Mary-Jane Watson...

DONNA : Good. But this doesn't mean you get to wear your Spider-Man jammies in bed with me.

There's a knock on the basement door. Hyde looks around and does a head count.

HYDE : Who the hell is that? Everyone we know is here.

Jackie jumps up happily clapping.

JACKIE : That is my moving-in gift to Fez. (to Fez) You asked for a girl who wanted to go out with you and would let you get some action, right?

FEZ : (excited) Yes.

JACKIE : So I went to Point Place's foremost expert on slutty girls, Michael Kelso.

Kelso waves, getting giddy. The others look at each other in anticipation.

FEZ : (more excited) Great idea!

JACKIE : And then, fate just stepped in.

Jackie goes to the door, puts a hand on the handle and grins.

JACKIE : Fez, here is your girl!

Jackie swings open the door. It's Caroline.

CAROLINE : FEZZIE!!!!!!!!

Fez stands up, half scared and half excited.

FEZ : Caroline?!

Caroline squeals and runs at Fez, tackling him over the back of the sofa. The others laugh as we see various body parts peek over.

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

END ACT TWO

TAG

Jackie's bedroom, night

Jackie is in her PJs, in bed, surrounded by stuffed animals. Loud, muffled sounds come from the wall.

Jackie covers her ears. Then, she picks up two stuffed animals and holds them against her head.

Finally, she gets up out of bed.

CUT TO

Fez & Jackie's apartment, night

Jackie bangs on Fez' bedroom door. She waits. The noise dies down. The door cracks open, and Fez sticks his head out. He's not wearing clothes except for a colored scarf tied around his head and he's holding a feather duster.

JACKIE : Will you two please quiet down?!

FEZ : Sorry. But you got me the crazy girl. And let me tell you, is she ever crazy...

CAROLINE : (voice) Fezzie... I'm waiting...

FEZ : Bye, roomie!

He slams the door shut. Jackie stomps over to the stereo and pulls headphones on.

THE END

* * *

_Next episode... roadtrip! Please read and review, and don't forget our other "That 70s Show" fic that's filled with Zensmut!_


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